Tales of Symphonia: A Parody Thereof
by Negetive2digit
Summary: What if things were different? What if the heroes and villains had issues that were serious and yet comic at the same time? In this tale, we'll see some seriousness and some silliness. Rated T for safety but it could change. I own little. Namco owns this.
1. Prologue

**This story has a smart Lloyd, stupid Genis, abusive and arrogant Raine, womanizing and silly Kratos, wussy Sheena, emotional Presea, more-emo-than-usual Zelos, homicidally destructive Regal, and a very slightly changed Colette (couldn't really think of much to do with her, although she's slightly less naive in some scenes). The villains also have some oddities, sometimes to the point of total stupidness.

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**Prologue**

"A long, long time ago—now I mean _long_ ago, now—there was this tree and it…made mana, some way or another. There was a war, though—you know how these old stories go—and the tree died. Some fruitcake of a hero sacrificed himself, though—you'd have to be a fruitcake to sacrifice yourself to replace a stupid tree. So this goddess was really sad and ran off into the sky—you know how women are—yelling to the angels as she went. Wake me up, she said, or the world's screwed—I'm bad at paraphrasing. The angels wondered what the hell she was talking about but still bore a kid—the Chosen One, y'know—and this kid grew up halfway and headed for the tower that was way too tall. That was the beginning of that long-butt journey to regenerate the world…"

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Short, sweet, and to the point. Remember, reviews are a part of a healthy, balanced diet...


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: The Oracle of…Well…Cruxis?**

"Lloyd Irving, wake up!" an irate woman snapped. "Lloyd!" He was standing, a bucket of water in each hand, at the back of the classroom. A chalkboard eraser suddenly clocked him in the face.

"Gahh!" he objected, waking up. The woman, who happened to be the teacher, approached him.

"How do you manage to sleep standing?"

"Hey, Professor, is class over yet?" Lloyd said coolly. She ignored him and went back to the front of the room. Perhaps challenging the egotistical teacher's knowledge of the subject in question hadn't been very wise, but Lloyd was sick of listening to her get facts wrong, so here he was, in time-out with buckets.

"The wingy angel guy made two dudes sign a treaty," Genis replied to the question that Lloyd had missed. Suddenly, a bright light flashed from outside.

"Huh?" Lloyd dropped the buckets on his feet and promptly started to hop up and down, cursing.

"Shut up!" Raine called the class to order. "The oracle's here! I'll go check it out. Everybody stay here and study…or else…" She ran out the door. Lloyd, having read all of the textbooks several times, decided he would sneak out for a while. Unfortunately, Genis caught him.

"Are you sneakin' out?" he asked. "Raine'll kick both our butts!"

"I wish to travel to the temple and assess the events there," Lloyd replied. "It will likely be more interesting and informative than the lectures of your insipid sister," Genis looked around as though Raine would come flying in to bring retribution. Seeing that no such thing was happening, he relaxed. "Besides, it's research,"

"That's an a-scuse," Genis replied, having not understood much of the previous statement.

"So?" Lloyd said, adding to Colette. "Hey, do you wish to accompany us?"

"Huh?" she looked over at him. "Um, okay," she got up and came over to them. "So where to?" Lloyd slapped his head.

"Where else would we be traveling to?! The temple! You are involved in this matter of the oracle," he said. "Are you not curious?"

"Are you?" she asked.

"Of course!" he replied.

"Okay, then I'll be curious about it, too," she affirmed.

"See?" he turned to Genis. "Dwarven Vow 4: Don't depend on others, walk on your own two legs. Now let us go,"

"Not those thingys again," Genis complained. "They're always yer a-scuses,"

So the trio left the school, only to see Frank run by screaming about Desians at the temple.

"Dad!" Colette called.

"Frankie!" Genis added. He kept running, though, until he tripped outside his house and was knocked out. The group decided to ignore him and headed for the entrance, where a zombie ran up to them.

"Verily, it is a monster!" Lloyd exclaimed.

"I'n't the temple airya a sanck-tuary?" Genis asked.

"It must be part of the trial," Colette suggested.

"Cease verbal exchange, we must fight!" Lloyd began to beat on the zombie with his two sticks that he had for swords, causing little damage. Colette threw a couple of plastic rings at it, to little effect. Genis lost his head completely when the zombie rushed at him and threw his kendama at it, scoring a blow to its head that finally depleted its stamina and killed it.

"That was simple!" Lloyd commented.

"Lloyd, you're amazing!" Colette complimented.

"I know," Lloyd replied.

They moved on and walked across the countryside, somehow managing to kill wolves, birds, and hares with their crappy weapons and sheer, dumb luck. Finally, they arrived at the temple.

"Light is emitting from the roof of the structure," Lloyd observed.

"Were gettin' a oracle!" Genis said excitedly. "Colee's gonna be thuh Chosed!"

"It's really, really bright!" Colette commented, shielding her eyes as she looked at it.

"Colette…when the Oracle is conveyed, you will become the Chosen One who will save the world, right?" he said, criticizing. "You might be like the hero, Mithos, if you conduct yourself an iota more like a Chosen One,"

"Yeah! No problem, no problem," she said lightly.

"What's goin' on up dere?" Genis asked, referring to the sounds of fighting up at the temple. An old pastor suddenly stumbled down the stairs and fell in front of them.

"Pastor, hang on!" Colette crouched and shook him.

"It's no good, he's gone," Lloyd said, checking the pulse.

"No!" Genis started to blubber but Lloyd smacked him in the head after a minute of it.

"I'm going," Colette declared, walking a little ways up the stairs.

"Colee! There's D'signs in there!" Genis objected. She stopped and turned.

"Yes…but I have to go accept the Oracle. I'm the Chosen," she replied.

"Lloy, you letting Colee go all loney?" Genis rounded on him.

"Well…I wish to see the Oracle, so I will accompany you," he said to her.

"Are you sure? It's dangerous," Colette warned.

"Dwarven Vow 1: Let's all work together for a peaceful world," he shrugged. "Let us go,"

"Wait, I'm goin' too. I'm worr'd 'bout Rainy," Genis added.

"Thanks, both of you," Colette said gratefully.

A big guy with pointy ears and one sleeve, his right hand glued to his hip, backed Phaidra into the doorway of the temple with his lackeys.

"Where's da frickin' Chosen?" he demanded. Phaidra took a step back and saw the kids arrive via the stairs.

"Run, Colette!" she yelled, a stupid decision. The soldiers turned to face the kids.

"Botta! Dere she is!" Rob yelled. Botta turned around.

"Chosen One! Yo life mine!" Botta yelled. Lloyd pulled out one of his sticks.

"I will not permit you to commit atrocities, Desian soldiers!" he barked.

"Desians?" Rob laughed.

"What's so ha-ha?" Genis demanded.

"Well den," Ed said. "Die at da hands o' da De-signs yo' hatin' so much! Get 'em!" Lloyd began to beat Rob over the head with his sticks and Colette did the same to Ed with her plastic rings. The guys tried to counter with their swords but Genis managed to cast Fireball. Unfortunately, he was so stupid that the fireballs whizzed around the battlefield, injuring everybody, before causing the unfortunate soldiers to smash into a nearby hut and collapse on top of one another. Suddenly, a giant guy squeezed out of the temple with a giant hammer and big flail.

"Do not get in our way!" Vidarr demanded, knocking them all flying with the spiky ball on the chain.

"He's st'ong," Genis moaned, bleeding on the ground.

"This giant is most difficult to combat!" Lloyd added. Vidarr prepared to smack them with the mace again but something knocked him back with a 'ching' noise. Catching a whiff of out-of-date cologne, Lloyd looked up and saw some auburn-head in a purple outfit that looked like it was out of a bad '70s catalogue.

"Who are you?" Lloyd asked, taking in the man's odd, out-of-date arraignment.

"Get back, yo," he replied, easily cutting Vidarr down with his sword.

"I nevuh thought you'd show," Botta addressed the man. "Damn…retreat for now!" he picked up Rob and Ed, kicked Vidarr off the nearby cliff, and ran off.

"Amazing!" Colette gasped.

"This guy's real strong!" Genis added.

"Y…yes. I…I suppose so…" Lloyd muttered.

"Is everybody ok?" the man asked, turning. He wore purple bellbottoms, the right leg of which was an inch or two shorter than the left, with lavender knee-socks and buckle-up beatle boots that were violet. A light blue belt was around his waist. His shirt was sleeveless and purple, complimented by his violet jacket that was lined with lavender fur. His fingerless gloves were purple with lavender around the fingers. "Looks like you're kinda hurt, First Aid!" he healed Genis, who had a pool of blood under him by this point. His left hand glinted.

"Is that an Exsphere?" Lloyd wondered, staring at the guy's hand.

"How can I ever thank you for saving the Chosen?" Phaidra asked, approaching.

"Well…" the guy began, catching sight of Colette. "This cutie is the next Chosen?" he said, taking her in.

"That's right!" Colette was oblivious. "I have to go accept the Oracle! Grandmother, I'm going to undergo the trial now," She took a few steps towards the entrance.

"Trial?" the man snapped out of his reverie as Colette had changed locations.

"Yes, that is correct," Phaidra replied. "The Chosen is to receive judgment from heaven. But the priests that were to accompany her were killed by Desians,"

"Then I will protect the Chosen One," Lloyd volunteered.

"Lloyd? I would be uneasy with just you," Phaidra replied.

"Your name's Lloyd?" the man tilted his head.

"Yes…but who are you?"

"I'm Kratos," he bowed, whipping off an invisible hat. "I'd normally charge, being a mercenary and all, but I'll accept this job free of charge,"

"Under the circumstances, I have little choice, please be of service," Phaidra agreed.

"All right!" he raised a fist and jumped up in the air.

"W…wait! I am proceeding inward as well," Lloyd interjected.

"Lloyd, you and your sticks'll just be a bother," Kratos waved his hand dismissively behind him as he took some steps for the door.

"Very well…then I will merely pursue your course at a distance," Lloyd replied slyly.

"Geez, you're a pain…" Kratos scratched his head. "Whatever, do what ya want,"

"I knowed you'd say that," Genis said to Lloyd.

"Of course! Come," he seized Genis by the hand and dragged him after Colette and Kratos as they entered.

"This ain't no field trip, hear?" Kratos commented with a sigh. "So much for being alone with the hottie…" he thought.

In the lobby, the group looked around, Kratos's gaze found Colette's generous chest and stuck. (Yes, I changed her body structure for the benefit of comedy…or just Kratos…)

"So this is the design and atmosphere of the temple's interior," Lloyd commented.

"Colee, you been here lots, right?" Genis asked.

"Yeah, but it seems different than usual," Colette replied, not noticing where Kratos was looking.

"All right, let us go," Lloyd proceeded ahead, only to find the door locked. The other passage was caved in, so they creamed the nearby monsters, or Kratos, the only one with a weapon, did, before heading down the other passage until they came to some stairs. Walking down the stairs, they came to a room with a pedestal that had a ring floating over it. Kratos grabbed it and gave it to Colette.

"Here, O rosebud! Accept this gift from your noble knight!" he put it on her finger.

"Thanks," she said, looking a little awkward but forcing a smile. After Kratos had headed for the stairs, though, Lloyd took the ring and put it on. Feeling a little ill at ease over how old-fashioned the odd mercenary was, Lloyd followed the others back to the sealed door. They opened it with the ring's fireball and proceeded to a teleporter.

Soon, they were in a room with an altar.

"So this is the top floor, my dove?" Kratos asked, disembarking.

"Yes, that's the altar," Colette replied.

"Look a' dat light!" Genis exclaimed, pointing. An angel suddenly flew out of the ceiling in a nightgown.

"What is that cross-dressing life-form?" Lloyd commented.

"A angel, I guess, homies," Kratos replied.

"So dat Colee's reauh fashah?" Genis asked. The angel yawned.

"I'm Remiel…an angel of judgement…" he murmured, obviously having just gotten out of bed. "I'm here to guide the chosen girl to heaven…" He drooped and his gown flew up briefly to reveal pink boxers. "The…" he yawned. "…time has come…" he yawned harder. "to wake up the Goddess Martel…now Cruxis gives Sylvarant the Tower of Salvation…" he yawned again and pulled a remote control out of his pocket. He pointed it at the nearby window and pressed the button. "What the hell…" he muttered, seeing as nothing happened, and banging it with his hand. Finally, a really tall tower appeared in the distance. "There we are," he put the remote away.

"That is the Tower of Salvation," Lloyd said, not mentioning that the remote was something that they had never seen and that it probably didn't exist in Sylvarant at all.

"Now da worl' be sav-ed!" Genis shouted happily.

"Go unlock the seals of the tower and take it's stairs to heaven…" Remiel continued, now merely bored.

"I humbly accept this task," Colette replied respectfully.

"Good…" Remiel yawned and started floating back up. "I'm back to bed, then…"

"Uh, wait! Please wait!" Colette exclaimed.

"What?" Remiel stopped.

"Are you really my fa-"

"Go to the seal of fire, to the south…dear," he added the last part with a yawn and then disappeared.

"Then you really are my father…" Colette murmured.

"Well, you've gotten the oracle," Kratos stretched and ran a hand though his silky, albeit messy, hair. "Let's go, cutie,"

"…oh, yes," she snapped out of a reverie.

"We're goin' ahead," Kratos told the boys before stepping into the teleporter.

"Uh…thank you, both of you," Colette said with a smile. "Please stop by my house later," she also left.

"Da stories was true!" Genis noted.

"What stories are you alluding to?" Lloyd asked.

"Dat Colee ain't r'lated tuh her daddy an' is a kid o' uh angel," Genis replied.

"Your family is your family, regardless of blood," Lloyd replied. "Or so I believe,"

"…sorry,"

"There is no need to apologize,"

They strode from the teleporter and back to the lobby. Quickly spotting Raine, they stopped and stared in shock at her back.

"MARVELOUS!" she shouted, her pupils gleaming with excitement at the ruins.

"Professor?" Lloyd commented, intending to ask her about how the teleporter worked but conveniently forgetting that they should try to avoid her. She jumped and spun to face them.

"What? What are you two doing here?!" she barked, her façade angry. "You're supposed to be studying in class!"

"Rainee! I's sorry!" Genis whined before she beat the crap out of him.

"You're next, Lloyd," she dropped Genis's sobbing form. "Are you ready?"

"Whoa, no, hey, stop!" he took a step back but she beat the crap out of him too.

"Now, you two, if you've learned your lesson, go back home," she said, her insanity had passed a quickly as it had come. "There will be no class for the rest of the day," She walked off down the caved-in corridor and left them, groaning and bruised, in the floor. Suddenly, a maniacal laugh echoed from where she was.

"What was that sound?" Lloyd groaned, trying to sit up and clutching his stomach.

"Y' don' wanna know…" Genis moaned, curled up in a ball.

After half an hour, give or take, the two finally managed to leave the temple and started back for Iselia, grumbling about the insane professor. At length, they made it back to town, after almost being killed by wayward monsters, and made for Colette's house, where Frank was still unconscious by the steps. Lloyd and Genis stepped over him and went inside.

The mayor, a fat, ugly guy with a bad mustache and an even worse toupee, Kratos, Phaidra, and Colette were all sitting at the table in the downstairs room.

"Then, we shall entrust the protection of the Chosen to Kratos and Raine," the mayor concluded.

"Works for me!" Kratos agreed, winking at Colette and making her almost drop the cup of tea she was drinking.

"Thank you so much for your help earlier!" she called to Lloyd and Genis, noticing them, to get the attention off of her.

"Are you certain that it would be prudent to dispatch Colette on this journey with this man," Lloyd gave Kratos a look of mixed disgust and disbelief. "And a teacher that is not qualified to raise a child?"

"If Rainee goin' I goin' too," Genis interjected.

"No, no…" Kratos waved his hand dismissively. "You guys'll just get in the way,"

"Come again?" Lloyd leered at the mercenary.

"Them battles earlier wasn't anything to the battles ahead," Kratos replied, still rather cheerful. "Kids shouldn't cramp warriors' style with their toy weapons,"

"Kratos is absolutely right," the mayor agreed pompously. "Go home, kids,"

"Please, wait!" Colette came running out of the house and tripped over Frank, falling on her face and also being knocked out. Lloyd shrugged and kept walking.

"Y' goin' home now?" Genis asked.

"Yes,"

"Can I go parta da way wit' ya?"

"I suppose…but to where are you traveling?"

"I'm goin' t' see a pal," Genis replied.

"Hmm?" Lloyd cocked an eyebrow. "I did not know that you were acquainted with anyone from beyond the village, with the exception of myself,"

"Do it mattuh?" Genis interjected as they passed the school.

"Not particularly…" Lloyd looked through the window and saw Raine. "The Professor has returned. Let us speak with her, assuming she has receded from the insanity that she verily displayed earlier," So they headed inside over Genis's protests.

"Oh, Lloyd, Genis," she turned to look at them as they entered, wearing a semblance of kindness. "Class is over for today,"

"We know that," Lloyd replied. Raine immediately clubbed him in the head with a staff.

"Stop being insolent!" she shrieked.

"I apologize," Lloyd said quickly. "Are you accompanying Colette on her journey?"

"Yes, it's too dangerous to send her alone," she replied, the bored kindness back again.

"What is to become of Genis, then?"

"I asked Frank and Phaidra to take care of them,"

"Rainee…I…" Genis muttered, wondering how to word anything without being hit.

"Genis…I promise I'll come back, so please, don't look like that," she interrupted. "Lloyd, please look after Genis for me,"

"Very well…" he nodded, though not to thrilled with the prospect of having to take care of an addled kid.

"Be carefuh, Raiee," Genis finally managed. "Dun't do anuhthin' dang'rous an' don' go neuh aneh ruins,"

"I'll be fine,"

"Promise me you'll come back!" SMACK! She clubbed him for this.

"I already did!" she snapped. Lloyd grabbed Genis and dragged him out at this point, muttering a goodbye to the teacher.

The duo headed for the southern gates from town, only to see the guards beating a giant, green dog upside the head with their pitchforks.

"How many TIMES have I told you?!" Lloyd ran up and smacked the dog upside the head. "Don't come into the FRICKIN' village!" The dog whined and ran off. Genis looked reproachful but decided not to comment as Lloyd left town.

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Remember to review now...and make any criticism constructive. Also, I mean no offense by any stereotypes in this. Just trying to be funny, here. By the way, the story gets a little better later, though there are, naturally, some lapses in quality depending on when I work on it.


	3. Chapter 2

Contrary to the title of the chapter, this chapter is quite comic (at least to me). I still don't own TOS, by the way, but I love making fun of it.

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Chapter 2: Random Filler Crap Time!

They entered the woods and struck the path, finally getting to a fork, bleeding badly and hating hares, bees, mushrooms, and useless candy that didn't heal them.

"Heuh my stop!" Genis declared, running down the fork to the Human Ranch.

"Stop! Entering that location is in violation of the non-aggression treaty that Iselia has with the Desian soldiers!" Lloyd objected, running after him.

Inside, they glanced through the tall electric fence and saw people in rags having to push blocks for no reason.

"This is pointless and painful!" one of the prisoners objected.

"I know," guard 21 admitted. "I don't know why you have to put up with it either…" The duo approached the gate on the left side of the door that led into the enclosure.

"Genis!" some old lady came up to them. "Is that your friend?"

"Yes, I am Lloyd,"

"I'm pleased to meet you,"

"Marbuh, didja sees it? Dere weres a or'cle!" Genis shouted excitedly.

"Yes I did," Marble replied. "Let us pray to Martel that the Chosen will have a safe journey,"

"Hey, lady! Get back to the pointless block pushing!" guard 32 shouted from somewhere.

"Oh, no!" she glanced over her shoulder. "Run away!" And so they did, and they hid behind a bush.

"Who said you could slack off?" guard 14 asked.

"…I'm sorry," Marble said docilely.

"What's with that look?" guard 21 commented.

"Looks like someone's got an attitude problem," guard 32 added.

"No, of course not, I…" Marble began nervously.

"Shaddap! We're gonna teach you a little lesson!" guard 14 said with an evil chuckle.

"The situation is grave," Lloyd whispered. "They are transferring her to the back of the yard,"

"Whadduh we do?" Genis asked anxiously. Lloyd clapped a hand to his head and jumped up the nearby cliff and, after waiting about five minutes for Genis to fail to climb the first step about 30 times, he hopped back down and carried him to the top ledge.

"NOOOO! STOP IT! NOOOOOO!" Marble screamed.

"Oh noes!" Genis yelped.

"Like us now, lady?" guard 32 chuckled as the others also tickled her with feathers. "Makes you never want to frown again?"

"NOOOOOOES!" Genis yelled, shooting fireballs into the yard, resulting in general chaos and many deaths. Desians and humans screamed as the ranch burned to the ground and the stop-drop-and-roll technique was employed a lot.

"I must remember to abstain from allowing you to cast your spells…" Lloyd muttered as they crept away from the scene of horror.

"Analyze the data from the security cams!" a singed guy with green hair yelled angrily as his troops attacked the fires with fire extinguishers and water magic. "I wanna know who the idiot is that did this, so that I may tear him limb from limb!"

Lloyd headed home alone, as Genis ran off to Iselia all emo after screaming Marble's name really loud. It took a while, but, almost dead, he crawled across the log bridge at Dirk's House.

"I must practice more…or avoid monsters…" he groaned, fumbling with the door handle on the front door, as his hands were very bloody.

"Welcome back," was all Dirk had time to say before Lloyd collapsed.

Colette was standing by his bed when he woke up. He jumped with a cry and fell on the floor.

"Ow…" his wounds were still painful.

"Lloyd, let's go out to the terrace," she said with a smile. He forced one in return and complied.

"I apologize for failing to punctually complete the gift for your birthday," Lloyd muttered, running a hand through his silky, brown hair.

"It's okay, don't worry about that," she reassured him with that smile. "Just wish me a happy birthday,"

"Of course. Happy birthday," Lloyd replied. She giggled.

"…thanks. I'm glad I could live to see this day," she said.

"I may not accompany you tomorrow, correct?"

"Well, it's just that the Desians will be after us and it's going to be a dangerous journey," she replied. "We're leaving tomorrow at noon. So would you come to the village around then?"

"Very well," Lloyd replied. She giggled again.

"…yeah. So Lord Remiel is my real father. I'm the child of an angel,"

"That does not change who you are,"

"I suppose you're right,"

Suddenly, Raine and Genis came out onto the terrace through the door, ruining the 'romantic' moment.

"Are you ready to go?" Raine asked.

"Ah, yes. I'm coming. See you later, Lloyd," she left with them.

"I suppose I should endeavor to complete her present at this present time," Lloyd muttered. Below, Genis, Colette, and Kratos waved goodbye as they left. Lloyd couldn't help but notice how Kratos' face had a handprint emblazoned on it, even from a distance.

The next morning, Lloyd sought out Dirk and found him at the grave behind the house.

"Father, I am departing on a journey," he declared. "I am going to assist Colette in the regeneration of the world,"

"…yeah. I figured you'd say somethin' like that…" he handed over a bag of random crap.

"Thank you, dad…" he muttered, trying to be polite. "I will make use of these objects…" A series of barking caught his attention and Noishe ran up with Genis chasing him.

"Ba' doggie! Ba' doggie!" Genis shouted, beating Noishe over the head with his kendama. "Y' et m' cookie!"

"Why are you present in this location?" Lloyd asked him, puzzled.

"Lloy! Y're stee heuh?!" Genis yelled, hitting Lloyd and Noishe alternately with his kendama. "Colee's goned awreadeh!"

"I beg your pardon?" Lloyd exclaimed. "This is most inconvenient!"

"C'mon! C'mon!" Genis yelled, leading him off into adventure.

Iselia was now a village of singed houses so, after looting the mayor's corpse and using him for target practice, they moved on, following Colette's trail.

"I will forever rue the demise of that hamlet…" Lloyd said regretfully as they walked along the road.

"I's cen't get wha' yer sayin'!" Genis complained.

"That is because your sister has abused you," Lloyd replied.

"Wha's uh-bu-zed?" Genis asked. Lloyd clapped a hand to his forehead.

"Never mind…"

So they traveled south until they reached the desert.

"It…so hot…" Genis groaned as they trudged through the sands.

"The cause of the heat is the Summon Spirit, Efreet," Lloyd replied, wiping his brow. "Or so it is said…" Genis replied by promptly fainting.

After an hour, Lloyd, stumbling and carrying the unconscious kid, reached Triet. Upon arriving, he went straight to the oasis and chucked Genis in. After a few minutes, he woke up and they got drinks, ignoring the kid on the pier. As they headed back to the main area, intending to ask around about Colette, they spotted three Desians and hid behind the travel agency's desk. The Katz meowed at them disapprovingly but didn't make them leave.

"This is an order from Lord Forcystus," guard 11 said. "A human named Lloyd is on the run with an Exsphere. Form a cordon in all areas immediately,"

"What does he look like?" guard 74 asked. Guard 11 put up a scrappily drawn wanted poster.

"Like this," he said. "Now, move out!" the guys ran off.

"They are most serious," Lloyd muttered.

"W' need t' hurry 'n fin' Colee," Genis added.

"We are supposed to be searching for her to defend her, not vice-versa," Lloyd replied.

"Duh it mattuh?" Genis snapped, having understood little. Lloyd shrugged, adjusted the swords that he had found amongst Dirk's bag of crap, and headed out of the stand they had been hiding in.

"Hey, you!" guards 74 and 11 came running up. "You're Lloyd, stop!"

"Detected immediately upon de-camouflaging," Lloyd muttered as he and Genis prepared to fight.

All in all, the people of Triet were very ticked at Genis for burning down half the town. Lloyd confiscated his kendama and then proceeded out of town. BONK! Rob suddenly dropped down behind Lloyd and knocked him out with a foam bat. Genis immediately started blubbering as Ed showed up and Lloyd was prone in the hot sand.

"Y'all cain't talk smack, 'cause we's just struck back!" Ed yell triumphantly as Rob hefted Lloyd and Ed cuffed Genis.

Far out into the desert, they walked, the two enemies griping the whole time about how stupid it was to have a base in a remote corner of a desert. Finally, they arrived at a big, blue, domed building. Two more guys were standing guard out front.

"I brought Lloyd," Rob said, sweating profusely.

"Who dat child?" Marty asked.

"His friend, obviously," Ed replied. "Wha' should we do wit' him?"

"Da leader only want Lloyd," Norton said. "I don't see no reason ta bring da kid," Rob carried Lloyd inside, accompanied by Ed, leaving Genis to cry loudly at the guards.

"Shut up!" Marty finally snapped. "As a race brothuh, we'll let ya go!" Genis ran off crying, bumped into Noishe, got mauled, and then ended up riding the dog away, still crying.

"You sure dat all right?" Norton asked.

"What he gonna do?" Marty replied. "Got 'im outta our hair, dinnit?"

Lloyd groaned and sat up in a prison cell.

"Where is my present location?" he wondered aloud, a hand to his head.

"…if so, I feelin' sorry fo' dat sucka, Lloyd," Wedge commented nearby.

"Yeah. He cain't powsbly e-scape ex-ecution," Biggs added. (Yes, this is a Final Fantasy reference to a reference to Star Wars. No sue!).

"Execution? What the hell?!" Lloyd thought.

"'ey, Lowd Botta's callin' ya," interjected Larz, who had, presumably, just walked in.

"Gotcha," Biggs replied, apparently leaving with Larz. Wedge took it upon himself to start pacing in front of the jail cells at the lack of people to gossip with.

"They confiscated my equipment," Lloyd thought. "And, though the door switch is within reach, I cannot open the door while he patrols," He looked down at the Sorcerer's Ring. "The only accessory I currently possess is the Sorcerer's Ring…perhaps I may distract him if I strike him with a fireball…" He took aim and fired a shot. It hit Wedge in the butt and his outfit caught on fire.

"'oly crap!" he yelled, running around as the fire spread and finally dashing into a restroom, where he dived into a toilet and put the fire out. The only problem, though, was that he was now stuck and many gurgled yells ensued, attracting guards as Lloyd attempted to leave the prison area.

"Who the hell are you?" Chris demanded.

"P…prison break!" Adell added before Lloyd cut through their foam bats and hurt them to the point that they couldn't do much but writhe and scream and clutch their ouchies. Lloyd sweatdropped at this and then crept out of the room, deciding to just let it go.

In the next room, he saw what looked like a creepy cauldron with a shiny light in the middle. Before he could start to ask nobody about it, though, Biggs and Larz ran through, looking for him, one could assume.

"Oy, Biggs!" Larz came back from the prison area. "Dese guyes needs some foist aids 'n Wedge done got 'imself stucked in da friggin' terlit a'gin!" Biggs and Larz ran into the room. Lloyd took the opportunity to slip from his obvious hiding place in the hole in the middle of the room and go to the next room, wondering how stupid these guys are. I mean, geez, they used foam bats for weapons and had horrible grammar…

He finally came to a room with a giant cube thing in the middle, after beating up a couple of inept guards in the previous hallway. He spotted a flashing sign that said: Exit to left, Move the Plot Along to right. Having read many stories, Lloyd knew how important advancing the plot was so, naturally, he took the door to his right.

He wasn't but a few steps down the hall when a soldier saw him and brandished his foam bat.

"What are you doing here?!" Lucas yelled. Instead of fighting him, Lloyd thought it would be a good idea to run into a nearby office and hope the guy didn't follow. As it turned out, the guy didn't.

"Phew…that was close," Lloyd sighed.

"And just who the hell are you?" an irritable voice said from behind him. Catching a whiff of out-of-date cologne, not unlike Kratos's, he spun to see a blue-haired guy in an eccentric mage's outfit. The guy wore a navy blue cape that encompassed his upper body. His shirt was sky-blue and held shut with five zippers. His slacks were also sky blue and were held on with a blue belt and a zipper and were tucked into his dark-blue boots. This was topped off by a blue plumed hat with a white feather. Lloyd took a moment to recover from the sight of this mage-gone-aging hipster-gone-WTH in time to notice that the guy was aiming a spell at him.

"Quid pro quo," Lloyd replied. The guy chuckled, creeping Lloyd out a bit, but not nearly as much as what he said next.

"You certainly have guts, but I don't see a need to introduce myself to a miserable little creature like you, even if you are a cutie," he winked, Lloyd blanched a little.

"Quite the coincidence," Lloyd replied, keeping his cool. "Because I see no need to introduce myself to an inferior dullard," (Crisis Core reference, here is me giving credit.)

"Why you little!" the guy looked mortally offended. Lloyd held up his hand in defense and the guy spotted his exsphere.

"An exsphere! You're…Lloyd?!" he exclaimed.

"And if I am?" Lloyd challenged, perturbed by the dreamy look on the guy's face when he found out his name.

"Hmm, I see the resemblance," the guy murmured, stroking the boy's cheek and looking pensive. Lloyd was extremely unsettled by this and drew his sword. The guy just turned slightly sideways and the strike missed.

"Sir!" Botta, Ed, and Rob ran in. Botta was speaking. "We got re-ports dat da Chosen group done got in heuh!"

"You are the Desian soldiers that assualted myself, Genis, and Colette at the Martel temple of Iselia,"

"So you Lloyd!" Botta exclaimed. "Dis amusin'!"

"Botta!" the caped guy said suddenly. "I'm leaving for now. Our plans will be ruined if he sees me,"

"Whudda da Chosen?" Botta asked.

"I'll leave that to you," the guy replied with a wink.

"Got it," Botta replied, pointedly ignoring the antics of his boss.

"Lloyd, the next time we meet, you're going out on a date with me," the guy commented. "Just you wait," he blew Lloyd a kiss and went into the back room, leaving everyone to sweatdrop for a moment before Genis, Colette, and Kratos burst in.

"Lloy!" Genis exclaimed. "You 'kay?"

"Are you all right? Are you hurt?" Colette added.

"The kid looks okay to me," Kratos replied, thinking the questions were getting redundant.

"You all came for the sole purpose of aiding me?" Lloyd asked.

"Good timin'," Botta interjected, making the group jump, as they had yet to notice him and Lloyd had temporarily forgotten about him.

"So you want to dance?" Kratos asked, taking Botta's hand and waltzing around the room with him before knocking him out with his own giant foam bat that he hadn't drawn yet.

"That sounded kinda wrong…" Ed commented. "Let's boogie on out of here," and so he and Rob did that, to the beat of some rather retro music, leaving the group to sweatdrop (except for Kratos, who was also dancing to it, until the others' stares got him to stop in conjunction with Raine coming in and hitting him upside the head with her staff, in fact, this was probably the only thing out of the two stimuli that bothered him enough to make him stop).

* * *

It doesn't make sense, I know...hope it's funny enough, 'cause Raine's gonna make me continue, no matter what (eyes staff that is being menacingly pounded against hand). Take the time to review, if you want to see some improvements in possible flaw zones.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Okay, time for the actual quest now**

Kratos had to carry Genis out of the base, as Raine had beat him senseless for leaving Iselia (despite Lloyd's protests that the town had been destroyed).

"Noishe!" Lloyd spotted the dog out front, which was now devoid of guards. "You came too?!" he ran up and smacked the dog upside the head, causing it to run off whining.

"Don't be mean to our animal friends…" Kratos commented quietly, to general being ignored.

So the party set off back to Triet, generally complainant coming from Kratos and Lloyd. "Why do _I _have to carry the kid, hunny?" Kratos moaned, hoping to appeal to Raine's descent side. THWACK! He didn't know her well enough to know that logic and outright abusiveness often dictated her actions.

That night, in one of the inn's upper rooms, they decided to discuss exspheres.

"In other words, these exspheres are amplifiers that awaken our dormant capabilities?" Raine concluded.

"Yes," Kratos replied. "But why'd ya have to repeat what I just said in the form of a question, my rose?" WHACK! The aging hipster put a hand to his forehead. This signaled the end of the conversations and they all went to bed. Lloyd was awoken about an hour after dozing off when Kratos left the room.

"What location is he departing for at this hour of the night?" Lloyd wondered aloud. He got out of bed and followed him quietly. Kratos was standing by the stable thing that Noishe was currently staying in.

"It's all right, boy, I'll be nice to you…" he was scratching the dog behind the ears and talking all cutesy. "Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?" Lloyd crept up behind the purple-clad man and coughed. "AHH!" Kratos let out a scream and fell over, causing some sand to fly in the air. He got up slowly and brushed himself off, blushing slightly. "Lloyd…don't stand behind me…" He cleared his throat and tried to act casual. "Sorry if I startled you,"

"That may not be the proper terminology…" Lloyd muttered, approaching the stable. "So…are you fond of animals?"

"Not really…" Kratos looked away and scratched the back of his head.

"Well, Noishe seems to be quite comfortable in your presence," Lloyd replied. "He usually does not take to strangers,"

"I had a pet once…" Kratos said cryptically.

"Is that a fact?"

"Lloyd?" Kratos turned and looked at his face. After about a minute, Lloyd had to speak.

"Wh…what is it? Why are you staring at my face in that manner?" he was starting to worry that Kratos might have something in common with Yuan.

"Your swordsmanship is unrefined," Kratos said quickly, the pensive expression on his face reverting back to being casual. "You should focus a little more on eliminating your vulnerabilities…" He took a couple of steps past him. "If you wanna live to get a girlie friend, yo," he continued back into the building.

"Just because he is an iota more skilled than I, he speaks as if he knows all! Well…much more skilled than I. Damn!" This ambiguous statement, which could have been dirty, said, he went off to bed too.

Why he had to share a room with Kratos was beyond him. He rubbed his eyes as he got up the next morning. The guy had kept him up most of the night with snoring and giving him nightmares, and listening to the guy bathe and sing loudly, among other things, at the crack of dawn after the aforementioned events wasn't exactly a happy experience either.

"We can finally head out to release the seal," Kratos said with a happy grin on his face, ruffling his auburn hair, as Lloyd was the last of the group to come outside.

"Yes, I'll do my best," Colette added with a smile. Kratos grinned back at her.

"The seal Remiel spoke of is in the Triet Ruins southwest of here," Raine interjected.

"I am lethargic…" Lloyd yawned, stretching.

"Wewll see eef dat e-thusasm last…" Genis muttered, thinking Lloyd was showing excitement.

"I will be all right…" Lloyd yawned again.

"Oh, I just remembered. Let me give you this," Raine handed Lloyd a rather weighty book that was only partially filled out. "Gathering data on your enemies is useful for protecting the Chosen,"

"I…I am in charge of this?" Lloyd yawned.

"I'll help too," Raine replied, obviously thinking she was reassuring him. "Just think of it as homework," Lloyd yawned in reply.

"Let's go, hunnies!" Kratos pointed to the sky dramatically and ran off for the town entrance. The others trudged after him.

By the time they reached the Triet Ruins, the party was running low on water and overall enthusiasm.

"Ah, it is very oppressive…I am exhausted," Lloyd moaned, wiping his brow.

"See? Ya a're'dy wored out," Genis said smugly.

"I am weary of the wastes…" Lloyd replied. Noishe suddenly began to whine. "What is it, dumb dog?"

"Careful, my hunnies, there's enemies here!" Kratos shouted as two Fire Elements swooped down on them. Lloyd swiped at them with his swords while Genis released an Aqua Edge and soaked everyone, somehow injuring the monsters too. "_Demon Fang_!" The mercenary's attack went right under the enemies and harmlessly hit a dune.

"_Sword Rain_!" Lloyd finished one of them.

"_Aquee Egg_!" Genis yelled, decapitating a dune and killing the other foe. "I feelin' good t'day!" he yelled, holding two fingers out.

"This won't do at all…" Kratos muttered, looking away.

"What will not do at all?" Lloyd asked.

"Ah, nothing," Kratos replied, turning back to them and grinning his stupid grin. "Anyway, you guys should learn some techs to protect yourselves,"

"Are you talking about self-defense training?" Colette asked.

"That and more, cutie," Kratos replied, winking at her. "Techs to boost your defenses in a fight,"

Some time later…

"I already feel more powerful," Lloyd commented. "I wish to experiment with this technique as soon as possible,"

"I thinkin' yous just 'magin'in stuff," Genis muttered.

"Hmm," Raine looked around. "What happened to Noishe?" Lloyd looked around and cursed, remembering the Aqua Edge flying around the field.

"Ugh, he has fled once again," he sighed.

"He's probably just nervous 'bout the monsters," Kratos said assuredly, still grinning.

"Say, is this the seal?" Colette had already gone ahead and examined a small pedestal. "It has my family's crest on it…"

"Fantastic!" Raine exclaimed breathlessly. They could practically see the hearts in her eyes as she looked at the stone slab nearby. "Look at this slab covering the entrance! It's clearly of a different composition than the surrounding stone!" She gave what passed for a giggle for her. "It's just as I thought!" She jumped on the slab and started rubbing against it. "This is polycarbonate, developed during the Ancient War to defend against magic! Oh, feel the smooth surface! It's wondrous!" The others looked rather put off by this display.

"Does she make a habit of this?" Lloyd asked Genis, who sighed.

"I been tryin' ta hi' it…" he muttered.

"Hehehe…" Kratos gave a little chuckle. "Now I know what my rose's fetish is…" The others gave him an odd look and he quickly started trying to find unusual cloud formations while humming his theme. Raine finally got back up and examined the pedestal.

"Hmm? This depression…it reads 'oracle stone'," she observed. "Colette, place your hand here. That should reveal the entrance,"

"For certain?" Lloyd asked, trying to keep her feeling important to avoid injury.

"This stone is enchanted with magic designed to identify the Chosen," Raine replied. "There's no question about it," Colette put her hand on the pedestal and the slab slid aside to reveal a set of stairs.

"It opened!" Colette said happily. "Wow! I guess I'm really the Chosen after all!"

"Ye', I tink we's all knows dat awredy…" Genis said pompously, earning him a smack from Raine and Kratos, the latter of which was looking at her with too much of a smile.

"Now this is becoming exhilarating!" Lloyd commented with renewed enthusiasm. "Let us hasten inside!"

"I'm hopin' you'll be able to stay excited, kiddo!" Kratos ruffled Lloyd's hair.

"Cease that action!" Lloyd snapped.

"This place is full of magitechnology! Absolutely fantastic!" Raine exclaimed as they walked down the corridor and beat off flaming birds and Fire Elements.

"Two's day havin' sause wit apple!" Genis shouted randomly. The previous blows to the head must have addled him even worse than usual.

They came, at length, to a door that led to a room full of lava. Luckily, there was a bridge over it that led to a teleporter. "Wed wawa!" Genis squealed, trying to dive in. Kratos caught him around the waist.

"No, no, midget!" he reprimanded lightly. "Red wawa kill Genis!"

"Me wanna swi-swi!" Genis objected. And on that note, they reached the teleporter and were transported to the altar. Genis immediately began to bawl as they approached it. "Ma-ma surg!" he whined. A bunch of energy shot out of the seal and a big, flaming tiger-thing called Ktugach came jumping out with a roar.

"Well, well, aren't we a big boy?" Kratos taunted before it shot a fireball at him and caused him to go running around the room with his coat on fire, screaming like a wussy.

"_Tiger Blade_!" Lloyd attacked it was distracted by this.

"Akeeeje!" Genis yelled, shooting water discs around the battlefield and wounding his allies more than the monster but managing to put out Kratos's coat.

"You're gonna pay!" he yelled. "_Stone Blast_!" A few rocks flew up and bounced off Ktugach's head. "Damn…" he ran away, dodging fireballs, while Lloyd hacked at the monster's back. Raine was getting sick of healing by this point and sat down for a break and ended up getting distracted by some architectural designs of the room.

"_Sonic Thrust_! _Fierce Demon Fang_!" Lloyd stabbed the thing some more after this and it finally died with a loud bang and disappeared.

"Never thought we'd have so much trouble…" Kratos whined, casting First Aid on his coat to fix the burns.

"You, the Chosen of Regeneration, offer your prayers at the altar," came a slurred voice.

"Yes, my lord," Colette replied, approaching the altar. "Oh, Goddess Martel, great protector and nurturer of the earth, grant me thy strength!" There was a loud shattering sound and Remiel appeared, drooping slightly to the side and holding a half-full six-pack in his hand.

"Cole…my daughta! You done well, girl!" he said drunkenly. The party was taken aback and Kratos seemed to be angry about the party hat and lack of shirt on Remiel's person.

"Thank you…Fa…ther," Colette replied, forcing a smile and trying to ignore the strong smell of alcohol.

"You done killed da guard'yan o' da seal so Efreet'll prob'ly wake up real soon!" Remiel continued. "In da name o' Cruxie, I gib you some wings and some tech thingy called 'Angel Feathers', which let ya shoot fow ringies outta yo back o' somefin'!" he shot four bursts of light out of his remote control and Colette suddenly had pink wings. She floated up a little bit.

"Thank you, my lord," she said.

"Da anguh trasmation won't be a cakewalk, so you gonna have a helluvah night t'night, girlie! Deal wit it!"

"I humbly accept this trial,"

"Da nex' seal a-cross da' sea, y'know!" he vanished in a flash of light. "Bye-bye and hurry 'n be-come a angul, hear?" Colette floated back down.

"Colette…possesses wings!" Lloyd exclaimed in amazement.

"Uh-huh," Colette said with a smile. "and, look, I can put them away, too," They vanished.

"Oh, wowie!" Genis cried stupidly. "Dat cool!"

"Here, look, look!" Colette's wings came back and started flapping continuously while Genis jumped up and down, laughing like a retard.

"He declared that the subsequent seal is across the ocean! Hence we will be able to sail on a vessel!" Lloyd gave a laugh. "I am excited!"

"A ship…hmm," Raine said thoughtfully, her eyes misting over briefly. "I wonder if there are any ships sailing with the way things are right now,"

"We should go to the coast and see," Kratos suggested, eyes on Colette and her wings that somehow made her sexy to him. The reason would be a spoiler, but maybe it would be mentioned later. Lloyd followed his gaze to her, missing the way he was looking at her.

"All right, you two, we understand," Lloyd told them. "That is sufficient,"

"Okay…" they both said in unison as Colette's wings vanished again and they both turned to face him.

* * *

Oh...I can see some running gags already emerging...anyway, reviews are like candy, they're good, but they make your teeth hurt sometimes. Be constructive! (Raine looks menacingly at reader after giving Genis his daily beating). Scary...I'm outta here. (leaves)


	5. Chapter 4

**At this point, I would like to state that I cannot be responsible for brain damage caused by lame chapter titles (or any blatent silliness of this tale, for that matter). I also must restate that I don't own the rights to TOS. Whoops! I also forgot to warn about cursing...too late? Oh, geez...I'm in a load of...ah, whatever. On with the tale!

* * *

****Chapter 4: Let's Go to the Next Area**

So they trudged the rest of the way out, ignoring Raine's obsessive comments about the ruins and Kratos's complaints about his coat.

"It's an antique!" he exclaimed unhappily. "Stupid monster torching it…"

"Simply buy another coat," Lloyd suggested.

"What did I just get through saying?!" Kratos snapped, straightening the fur collar. They were now outside, heading back to the desert, when Colette suddenly fell to her knees.

"Colette!" Lloyd cried, forgetting Kratos for a moment. "Are you well?"

"I'm…fine…" Colette whispered.

"Ya donnie loook okee a'tall!" Genis objected. "Yer facecie white!" he started to blubber. "I' all m' faul! I go' carr'd way 'n m'd' 'er p'll 'er wingies ininou'!"

"I doubt that is related," Lloyd replied, not sure what the kid had said.

"Now's not the time for that!" Raine snapped. "Her lips are turning purple. We must get her to a doctor in the city immediately,"

"Wait, now, hunny," Kratos said with a casual wave of his hand. "We shouldn't move her,"

"Why?" Lloyd cocked an eyebrow and wondered what the guy's excuse would be.

"Remember? The drunk angel said that she had to do a trial," Kratos replied with an annoying air of arrogance. "Let's just camp out here for today,"

"I'm…okay," Colette gasped. "I'll be fine after a little rest. I'm sorry to cause so much trouble…"

"Cease your apologies, dork!" Lloyd said, meaning the insult jokingly. "It is not any fault of yours that you are now an angel," Colette sighed.

"You're right…I'm sorry," she replied. Lloyd gave a sigh of minor irritation.

"Well, anyway…let's set up camp before it gets dark," he commented.

The day passed rather speedily and soon they were sitting around a campfire, about three yards from the ruins.

"Your exsphere has an ususual color," Kratos commented, leaning over Lloyd's shoulder as the latter sat by the campfire.

"Ahh!" Lloyd jumped away and stood. Kratos straightened up, chuckling. Lloyd gave him a glare for a moment before replying as levelly as he could. "It does seem to be a little different from yours. By the way, why do you have an exsphere?"

"I took one from a Desian," Kratos replied casually. "I also heard that the Desians force the humans at the ranch to make 'em,"

"So that is the reason that Marble possessed one on her person…" Lloyd muttered.

"Can I ask you somethin' too, bud?" Kratos interjected.

"Yes,"

"Why were you raised by a dwarf?"

"Dad discovered myself, Mom, and Noishe in the forest," Lloyd explained. "We were assaulted by Desian soldiers,"

"Oh…" Kratos replied. "Sounds like your daddy died too,"

"Most likely…"

"So the Desians killed your parents…they wrecked your life," he still seemed so darn cheerful. "They killed your mama and torched your village,"

"Yes, I suppose you are correct," Lloyd admitted.

"People are…so weak…"

"Yes, they are, but you must not blame others for that weakness," Lloyd replied. "That is why I intend to become more powerful to eliminate the Desian soldiers,"

"I see…" Kratos raised an eyebrow. "Well, don't forget it,"

"For what reason am I conversing with you about this matter, anyway?" Lloyd muttered as an afterthought.

"Beats me," Kratos shrugged and flopped down next to Noishe, gently scratching him behind the ears.

After an incident with Genis accidentally insulting Raine's cooking and getting himself whacked upside the head again, and another incident with Lloyd pretending that Raine was smarter than him in the matter of biology, he decided to give Colette her birthday present.

"I am aware that I am behind schedule in delivering this to you, but here is your birthday present," he dug a necklace out of his pocket. There was mutual shock.

"Oh, no, it's broken," Colette commented.

"I wonder when this event occurred?" Lloyd muttered, staring at it. "I apologize," he looked at Colette. "I will construct another necklace for you,"

"Thanks…and…I'm sorry that I keep causing trouble for you,"

"Do not fret over it," Lloyd replied. "By the way, you have not been eating. Are you still feeling ill?"

"No, I'm fine," Colette replied softly. "I just…don't…seem to have much of an appetite,"

"You will not be able to maintain your vigor without eating," Lloyd warned.

"I know…you're right," Colette coughed a couple of times.

"Lloyd, don't push her," Raine reprimanded.

"Cole' deli'cee, ooli yoo!" Genis added pompously, his brains obviously scrambled. Lloyd shot him a dirty look.

"Shut it!" he snapped, making the midget flinch. "I'm sorry, Colette," he added to her.

"No, no, I'm okay…" she insisted weakly. "I'm really sorry for worrying you," She got up. "I'm going for a little walk,"

"Do you wish me to accompany you?" Lloyd asked.

"Thanks, but…I'll be fine by myself," she said with a weak smile, walking off.

"Ha-ha, yoo g't reee-jeeect'd!" Genis taunted.

"Shut up, Genis!" Lloyd snapped; the kid flinched and put his hands on his head as though he had been hit. No one seemed to notice the look of sadness and guilt that seemed to hang over a certain mercenary's face as he gazed after Colette.

The next day, the party headed back to Triet, arriving parched and wishing Efreet a horrible, horrible death, as well as the local snakes, bandits and scorpions.

"We heuh!" Genis exclaimed, sprinting for the inn, despite his immense thirst. He immediately collapsed on the stone circle in the middle of the area. The rest of the party ran over and examined him for signs of life before making Kratos carry him to the inn and sending Lloyd to refill their canteens.

The following day, the motley crew set off across the desert, heading for the Ossa Trail. For the sake of keeping Genis alive, Lloyd allowed him on Noishe with him, leaving the adults and Colette to trudge alongside.

"Mr. Kratos, aren't you hot in that outfit?" Colette asked, tilting her head.

"I'm fine, my little angel," Kratos replied with a smile, wiping his face with a lavender handkerchief that smelled like his cologne. Everyone had become used to his scent by now, as he had been putting on more of it than usual to offset all the sweating he was doing. The rest of the party stank, to put it lightly, Noishe not the least. Unlike normal dogs, he actually seemed to sweat somewhat. "Uh, oh, more monsters!" he pointed to some snakes up ahead.

"Great…" Lloyd moaned, dismounting

Finally, they reached the grassy area before the Ossa Trail.

"Whew! That's a relief!" Kratos shouted, stretching and sitting down on a rock. "And here's a stream that runs down the mountain!" He caught a bunch of water in his mouth with a smile. Colette was the only one that seemed to match his near unshakable cheerfulness.

"We should hurry and set up camp," Raine commented, seeing that the sun was setting by the color of the sky.

"I'll cook tonight!" Kratos volunteered, pulling out the food pack from their bags. "We're having Kratos Cabbage Rolls!"

"What sets them apart from other cabbage rolls?" Lloyd asked.

"It's a se-cr-et!" Kratos replied. "Now let me work!"

After a good twenty minutes…

"Wow, Kratos! What is your extra ingredient?" Lloyd asked, taking another bite.

"Hehehe…" Kratos chuckled. "It's still a se-cr-et…"

The Ossa Trail wasn't anything special, just a path over the mountains and on to the fishing hamlet of Izoold…let's not get ahead of ourselves, though. As the party was walking into the first section of the path, a voice rang out.

"Stop!" it yelled in a wanna-be tough tone. The party looked up and spotted a ninja in a purple outfit, perched on a ridge above the path. The first thing that caught everyone's eyes, though, were…

"Boobies!" Kratos began to drool as he stared. Lloyd and Genis were struck speechless and the latter got a nosebleed. The girl blushed and attempted to cover herself before jumping off the cliff.

"Is the Chosen of Mana among you?" the girl asked, blushing still, trying to ignore the men. The girls had managed to break free and look her in the face.

"Oh, that's me," Colette replied, naïve as usual.

"Prepare to die!" the girl pulled out some cards and charged forward, giving the guys a better view unintentionally and rendering them even more useless. Genis fainted. Colette tripped suddenly, perhaps she was trying to dodge, and hit a lever that happened to be nearby, falling on her butt in the process. The girl stopped as a trapdoor opened under her and fell in. "AHHHH!"

"Uh-oh…" the whole party's sentiment was voiced in this one line, except for Kratos, who was walking dejectedly up the path, no doubt thinking some perverted thoughts. A loud crash could be heard below.

"Oh, no! What should I do?" Colette scrambled to her feet and exclaimed worriedly. "I did it again…"

"You don't need to worry about it," Raine assured her, logic dictating as usual. "If she had not fallen in, you might have been killed,"

"But…" Colette whined.

"Well…I supposed I do sympathize with her," Lloyd admitted.

"I hope she's okay," Colette said guiltily.

"Even assuming her weight to be 45 kilograms, and this hole to be 10 meters deep, and calculating the gravity constant at 9.8, the impact shouldn't have been fatal," Lloyd calculated aloud.

"Gravee…consan?" Genis repeated, bewildered. "I no undeestin' wha yo jussaid, bu she ali'?"

"Probably," Lloyd replied, looking down the hole. "Her luck is poor, what with her standing upon a trapdoor," Raine approached the hole.

"It's not a trap," she affirmed. "It's a hidden maintenance passage for the mountain path," Lloyd decided not to contradict her and spare himself getting beat up.

"We should move our chains onward," Kratos commented, standing at the beginning of the rise in the path.

"Hey!" Lloyd called. "Should we not attempt to discover the identity of that woman?"

"The boobie beauty will come after us again on her own, bud," Kratos replied. "We should get outta this crappy spot for the sake of the hunnies," He walked on. The party, getting over his attitude, walked on in his wake.

After beating the crap out of some wayward bears, humanoid plants, and humans, the group reached the peak of the trail and stopped for some sandwiches.

"I don't like being hugged by bears," Kratos said firmly to Colette.

"But hugs are fun! They make you feel good!" she argued.

"Maybe if a cutie is the one doing the hugging…" the mercenary muttered. "Giant bears are a whole 'nother matter, my sweet angel,"

"No kidding…" Lloyd rubbed his recently healed ribs.

"It's your own faults for engaging the enemy at such close proximities without the proper dodging ability," Raine said without sympathy.

"Oh, you're coldness wounds me, frosty rose!" Kratos put a hand to his heart and faked a seizure, falling down and going limp.

"OH NOES!" Genis shouted, thinking he was actually hurt, while the others laughed at him. Lloyd finally explained to the kid that Kratos hadn't really been injured (of course, this was after Genis started attempting CPR by beating the aging hipster in the face with his kendama).

"First Aid…" Kratos healed his bloodied face as he sat up, looking unhappy. "How dare you tarnish the beautiful face of Kratos Aurion!" he said in mock anger. Genis started shouting apologies and shielding himself against non-existent attacks. Kratos looked perplexed while Lloyd and Raine clapped a hand to their heads.

So on they walked…and, sometimes, cursed Noishe for running off as they had entered the area, him being their only transportation other than their own feet. They beat up more enemies as they descended towards the other side of the mountains, but an unwelcome, but not entirely unexpected, surprise awaited them near the end.

CRASH! A wooden blockade fell down to their right, revealing the entrance to a mine and the assassin from earlier.

"W…wait!" she called nervously as they ignored her and kept walking.

"Wow…she caught up with us," Lloyd finally said with a tone of boredom, turning to face her, managing to look at her face this time. Kratos wasn't faring as well, nor was Genis, as the latter was acting on instinct.

"Oh, thank goodness!" Colette exclaimed, walking forward with her arms out as though the woman was a fluffy doggie that she wanted to hug.

"D…don't move!" the girl demanded, taking a nervous step back and holding up her cards, which consisted of an ace and a 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8 of spades. Colette stopped.

"A wise decision," Raine commented.

"I won't be caught off guard this time! Prepare to die!" the woman declared. A cat suddenly jumped on her head and started attacking her like in an old cartoon. "AHHHH!" she ran off, leaving her wallet behind, which Kratos immediately swiped. "JUST YOU WAIT! OW! I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU ALL NEXT TIME!" the girl shouted back at them. The party barely heard, though, because they were already heading into the cave, just to see what was there.

"This was a mine until recently," Raine pointed out.

"Perhaps it was abandoned because the operations disturbed local wildlife?" Lloyd suggested. Raine hit him in the head.

"I was about to say that!" she snapped.

"STRONG…ONES…YOU…FIGHT…ME?" a skull was lying on the ground in the end of the tunnel, which they had reached while chatting. Before the party could react, an entire skeleton with four arms, a sword to each arm, came up out of the ground.

"OH, MARTEL, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" Kratos shouted, pointing from a ways down the tunnel, which was odd since he had been near the front of the group only seconds before.

"I…AM…THE…SWORD…DANCER!" the skeleton declared. "BEAT…ME…UP!"

"Uh…very well," Lloyd replied, a bit taken aback, kicking it in the shin. Raine whacked it upside the head as Kratos snuck in and dragged an unconscious Genis out of harm's way. Colette started charging up her angel tech.

"Holy wings, I beg of thee to reveal thy glory…Angel Feathers!" she incanted, making four chakram fly out of her back and chop through the skeleton.

"OWIE!" it yelled. "NEXT…TIME…HOMIES!" It vanished.

"The usage of that word in that way sounded familiar…" Lloyd commented, sweatdropping, as the group looked at Kratos, who immediately started humming 'Struggle to Survive', and examining the walls for ores.

* * *

Lloyd: What...the...hell was that about?

N2D: Like I'm telling you when I don't even understand Namco's logic...

Lloyd: (pouts)

N2D: Anyway, remember to leave constructive reviews...they may just help the story write quicker.

Lloyd: Or slow the process...

Raine: INSOLENCE! (WHACK!)

Lloyd: (KO'd)


	6. Chapter 5

**Still don't own TOS, or else the story wouldn't be so friggin' Lloyd-centric. By the way, aging hipsters are people too, I mean no offence to them (with the exception of poor Kratos [of course, this Kratos wouldn't be offended by this dipiction, anyway] Also, have nothing against Kratos). Enough with my rambling, on with the tale!

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**

**Chapter 5: Vessel…Vessel…Where's a Stinkin' Vessel?! Oh, and They Also Go to Palmacoasta… **

Seeing nothing further of interest, the party finally left the Ossa Trail and walked a short distance to Izzold.

"I wonder who that female clad in violet was?" Lloyd thought aloud as they walked.

"I hope we get to see her again," Colette said with a smile.

"Come again?" Lloyd said, giving her an incredulous look. "She is attempting to cut your lifespan short,"

"Yeah…" Colette agreed. "But, once we become friends, I'll ask her why she was doing that,"

"Pardon me?" Lloyd sweatdropped. "How do you intend to befriend her?"

"Hmm…" Colette's blue eyes widened. "What would you suggest?"

"How would I know?"

"Try to come up with a plan before we see her again!" Colette said with a smile, skipping up to talk to Genis.

"Wait…" Lloyd sweatdropped. "Why must I have to speculate a strategy?"

"Tsk, tsk…" Kratos said from nearby, smirking. "The girl's got ya in a corner now, homie,"

"Shut up!" Lloyd stomped ahead of him.

Finally, they arrived in Izoold around twilight.

"Finally," Kratos said with a yawn, stretching. "Let's get a room," he walked into the inn and rented some rooms with the assassin's money. "Okay, listen up," he said as they entered behind him. "There's five of us and four rooms…so one of us'll just have to sleep on the floor in one of the rooms," His gaze went over to Colette, who was lucky not to notice.

"Well, Genis will get a room to himself, as will I," Raine said. "Colette gets a room, as she is the Chosen. So that leaves you and Lloyd in the fourth room," Kratos looked mildly annoyed.

"Oh, c'mon!" he and Lloyd both shouted. "I'm sick of being stuck with him!" they pointed at each other.

"Tough!" Raine grabbed both their ears and shoved them in a room.

"Oh, well…" Kratos sighed with a forced calm. "Good night, bud," he fell down on the bed.

"Hey! HEY!" Lloyd objected, but the goofy mercenary was already snoring. "Dammit…" he flopped on the floor and tried to make himself comfortable, to little avail.

The next morning, they reunited out front, bright and chipper (with the exception of Lloyd, who looked as though he were a vampire).

"Well, I asked around earlier," Raine informed them. "It seems that there are no passenger ships running,"

"That is inconvenient," Lloyd commented.

"Well, let's go to the docks and see if we can't con a fisherman," Kratos suggested, leading the way.

Max was having a nice morning. Sure, he couldn't go out fishing because of rumors of sea monsters, but it was a nice morning and he was content to fantasize about Lyla, the girl of his dreams, while standing next to his boat at the docks. His day was about to get bleak, however. A group of oddly-dressed people were approaching. Feeling nice, he called out to them.

"Hello! It is a glorious morning, is it not?"

"Yes, it is!" Colette replied with a smile.

"Pardon me, but we require the use of this vessel to reach Palmacoasta," Lloyd said. Max blanched.

"Uh…not to be rude, but there are to many monsters at sea at the moment and…"

"STOP BEING INSOLENT!" Raine roared.

All in all, Max agreed rather quickly to help out the group of heroes, barring a heavy beating with a staff.

"Now we will be able to locate and travel to the subsequent seal," Lloyd commented as they climbed aboard the fishing boat.

"Yeah!" Colette agreed happily.

"I was afraid this journey would force me on a boat sooner or later…" Raine muttered, curling up in a ball against the cabin and snapping when disturbed, for the duration of the trip. The ship began to move from the docks. Genis immediately began jumping up and down like an idiot, shouting,

"W' a' sea! W' a' sea!" repeatedly until Lloyd finally grabbed him and held him still.

"Be calm. This vessel is not large. Do you wish to fall overboard?" he warned.

"Gee, I'm so sorry my ship is too 'not large' for you!" Max snapped in a moment of brutally beating the crap out of the rules of english, narrowing his un-swollen eye and still pressing an ice pack to his face.

"I'm gonna fall!" Colette screamed, before falling hard to the deck and breaking a Colette-shaped hole in it, much to poor Max's unhappiness.

"We're here…" Max moaned miserably as they got off his battered boat. The last giant squid hadn't wanted to let go and Colette had tripped quite a few times. So the group abandoned the poor guy and moved on through the market, buying some food but ignoring the other peddlers that sold useless candy and the like. As they walked down a road that led by the inn, Colette skipped merrily into a group of idiots. Needless to say, they were all badly wounded and the party soon found themselves several thousand gald in debt for the dummies' medical bills.

"Aww…my cute, destructive angel…" Kratos moaned, hearts in his eyes, while Raine chastised the girl.

"Is your head properly attached?" Lloyd asked, sweatdropping. So, after this little incident, they thought it would be fun to head over to city hall.

As they entered the round town square, they saw a blonde guy and his daughter with an odd hair-do. Some kid ran up to them.

"Gov'nor-G'nral Dorr! Dad-day's been taken a-way to da ranch!" he whined.

"Get away from me, little creep-o!" Dorr maced the kid and went into the city hall with his daughter.

"Who was that uncouth person?" Lloyd asked a random old guy and woman nearby.

"Gov'nor-G'nral Dorr," the old man replied. "He's recruiting soldiers and resisting the Desians,"

"His wife died and he's raised Kilia all by himself," the woman added unnecessarily.

"Hi' title's ac'ualy 'Gov'nor-G'nral?'" Genis shook his head. "How da hewl di' he-" Raine smacked him in the head.

"INSOLENCE!" she shouted. So the group continued to the city hall with Genis muttering something about an evil ring that must be destroyed. They entered the building and approached the desk/table thing that Dorr and some other guy were sitting at, hoping they weren't about to get maced.

"Hello," he said boredly. "Martel says we welcome travelers. Whoo…hoo…" he did a very unenthusiastic cheering gesture with his arm. "Why are you here, anyway?"

"We traveled from Iselia on the journey of world regeneration," Lloyd replied.

"Come again?" Dorr asked.

"Colee d' Ch's'd o' m'na!" Genis slurred slightly, swaying.

"You're saying that you're the Chosen?" Dorr said slowly.

"Gov'nor-G'nral…" the guy next to him, Neil, muttered pointedly.

"Uh-huh…" Dorr nodded with little concern.

"The Chosen was just here moments ago!" Neil burst out. "How dare you defile that name! Get them!" A bunch of dudes in armor suddenly came out of nowhere and started menacing the group. They spun and prepared for a fight, but Colette suddenly fell on her butt for no apparent reason and her wings appeared.

"Wow! She's, like, an angel!" Kilia shouted from behind her father, who hadn't been paying attention and looked up slightly.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo  
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Neil slowly ran around the table and tripped, flying forward and out a window. The slow-mo moment ended as a splash could be heard outside. The guards stopped their idle menacing, looked at each other, shrugged, and all attempted to file out, only to get stuck in the door. The group turned around to look at Dorr, sweatdropping, and the guards suddenly vanished back into whatever warp-space they'd come from.

"There is no mistaking the angel wings on your back," Neil came back in, dripping with seawater and with seaweed in his hair and on his shoulders. Lloyd had an odd feeling that he did this often, as no one seemed to put off by it in the town, as was obvious by the glimpse of everyone ignoring it as the doors swung open and shut for the guy's re-entry. "Please forgive our insolence, Chosen One,"

"It's okay…um…um…it's all right, really," Colette replied, obviously slightly shaken. "Everyone tells me I'm not very Chosen-like at all,"

"Don't say that, my cute little angel," Kratos said with a smile, hugging her. Raine promptly smacked him in the head. "Owie…" he let go reluctantly, massaging his head.

"The Chosen we gave the Book of Regeneration to was an imposter?" Dorr tried and failed to act unhappily surprised.

"Hold a moment…" Lloyd said. "A false Chosen One, and what is the Book of Regeneration?"

"It's a record of Spiritua's journey," Neil replied, combing and blow-drying his hair with one of those things that you use on fires. "It's the only book that tells about the world regeneration journey in detail,"

"Dat it!" Genis exclaimed. "Wi' dat, w' w'n't h'v' an-uh tuh-ruh-buh…uh…fin'in'…uh…" he started drooling as he trailed off.

"And you say you handed over this valuable book to a random person that said they were the Chosen?!" Raine jumped on Dorr and started pounding him brutally into the floor. He seemed rather okay with it until he was finally beaten unconscious.

"It must have been those fools Colette maimed earlier," Lloyd deduced.

"We thought they were you guys, as we'd been told-" Neil began.

"Y' st'p'd 'r sum'fin?!" Genis raged.

"I am terribly sorry…" Neil obviously was just apologizing against the unintelligible gibberish the kid was spewing.

"H'm'ns i' so s'p'd! D' y' uoose y' eye a' t'l or-" Raine cut him off with a blow to the head, addling his already fragile mind further. He finished with a vague gurgling sound and started sucking his thumb.

"Genis, enough!" was Raine's shout that accompanied the smacking.

"Do you remember the contents of the book?" Lloyd asked Neil, as Dorr was out cold on the floor.

"No,"

"Oh, I know!" Colette piped up cheerfully. "Let's try asking at the church. Maybe the priests know something,"

"That's a good idea," Raine replied. "Let's give it a try. Any objections?" she looked at them threateningly.

"Oh, you're so smart, Colette!" Kratos said, winking and blowing a kiss at her. She turned red.

"Uh…thanks, Mr. Aurion…" she was uneasy, to say the least.

So they proceeded to the church, which was right across the square, making Kratos carry the unresponsive Genis.

"Oh, Chosen One!" the pastor called out as they approached him. He must have been nearsighted to not have seen them when they'd entered. "Do you remember me? I'm Marche, one of the few priests that actually has a name and won't die in a Desian-related incident, hopefully,"

"Uh…" Colette's smile flickered and was forced. "Sure I do! So you're a pastor now,"

"Yep," the guy replied. "I've been hoping to seen you come by ever since the tower appeared,"

"Do you have a record of the Book of Regeneration here?" Raine asked.

"No," Marche replied. "You should ask Dorr to show you,"

"That…won't help," Colette replied. "It seems he gave the book to a group of imposters pretending to be us,"

"My apologies for not being of help, then,"

"Oh, well…" Kratos shrugged and turned. "Well, let's be getting on with the quest, then! Lots of stuff left to do!" he walked out.

"Where does he get off with such cheerfulness?" Lloyd muttered as they followed him outside.

"What should we do?" Colette asked as they stopped for an impromptu strategy meeting outside the church, much to the annoyance of people that wanted to use the door to get into said building. "Shall we just go looking for the seals using Remiel's words as clues?"

"I think we would be better off getting hold of the book," Raine commented.

"Raine, you know you are more interested in the tome itself than the whereabouts of the seals," Lloyd pointed out. SMACK!

"Shut up, insolent child!" she retorted.

"Well, I think we should just take the traditional approach and use the hints," Kratos suggested. "But we'll look for the book along the way for the sake of our gorgeous Professor," She 'humph'ed and walked away.

"…Let's get going, I suppose…" Lloyd commented as they set their course for the short bridge that led out of town.

* * *

**Lloyd: What? We are not spending the night in this metropolis?**

**N2D: No, I'll handle that near the start of the next chapter. Quit worrying.**

**Genis: (drools)**

**Lloyd: Is he going to be anything more than dead weight?**

**N2D: Only if Raine lightens up before he's permanently a vegetable...**

**Raine: I HEARD THAT! (bursts through wall, brandishing staff)**

**N2D: Oh, crap! Run for it, Lloyd! (teleports using magical I-am-the-author powers)**

**Lloyd: Damn it...(grabs Genis and jumps out the window into the sea)**

**Neil: Hey-uh...**

**Lloyd: ...**


	7. Chapter 6

**I don't own TOS or Drakengard 2. If I owned the former, there would be a second playthrough from the POV of Sheena, Kratos, and/or Zelos.

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**

**Chapter 6: Hakonesia Peak and Other Popular Hero Attractions**

So they walked from town (Genis still being carried by the ill-fated mercenary) as the sun drifted west. They came upon a big cart sitting in the woods, though, before they could begin to contemplate stopping for the night. On a whim, they approached the cart and some nut named Nova jumped out at them.

"WELCOME TO NOVA'S CARAVAN!" he screamed at them. Genis freaked out and accidentally managed to kick Kratos in a bad spot, forcing him to drop the kid and curl up in a ball, cursing and moaning. Lloyd was knocked down by Colette falling on him. Raine, however, was unaffected. "WE ARE TRAVELING WHILE STUDYING THE ANIMALS OF THE WORLD. I'M A ZOOLOGIST," he added. Shaking his head in a vain attempt to rid his ears of this man who seemed to think they were deaf or something, Lloyd replied with a raised eyebrow.

"That is a rather odd occupation in the current climate of the world…" Raine smacked him back to the ground. "Ow!"

"Traveling the world in pursuit of knowledge…that's wonderful!" she exclaimed with hearts in her eyes.

"HAH, HAH, HAH," yes, Nova even laughed at the top of his lungs. "I JUST LIKE SEEING ALL SORTS OF RARE ANIMALS,"

"We even saw a giant, glowing bird," the daughter, May, whispered.

"Come again?" Lloyd asked, rubbing his face and head.

"That may have been Aska, the Summon Spirit of Light," Raine suggested.

"REALLY? THAT BIRD IS A SUMMON SPIRIT?" Nova seemed ecstatic. "I SEE…THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY IT'S A SPECIES I'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE," BONK! Kratos hit him upside the head with Genis's kendama and knocked him out.

"Sorry…" the mercenary tossed the kendama back over to its owner's sleeping, thumb-sucking form. "I just couldn't take it anymore, you know?" He flipped his hair.

"Thank you," Sarah, the wife, approached them, whispering. "Now we can get some sleep tonight. Please, stay here,"

"Okay!" Colette smiled.

"Well, the angel has spoken!" Kratos said happily, flopping down on the ground and falling asleep promptly.

Lloyd stirred some time later to see Kratos's foot next to his head.

"Kratos?" he sat up, rubbing an eye. "What are you doing sneaking by me?"

"Um…well…" he scratched his head nervously. "Okay, you got me. I was gonna sneak off to practice swords,"

"Really?" Lloyd was skeptical but decided not to press the man. "Well, in that case, may I come along?"

"Well…I guess I could train you, homie," Kratos said slowly. "Come on," They walked out of the camp and stopped a short ways away, pulling out their weapons.

"How is this stance?" Lloyd took a defensive stance.

"You're wide open, yo," Kratos sighed.

"Pardon? Where?"

"Using two swords isn't the right way to use a sword so it's a lot harder and, hence, makes it harder to defend adequately,"

"However, the power is doubled," Lloyd replied.

"That's why you use two?" Kratos put a hand to his forehead.

"Hey! Why do you act as though I am pitiful?!"

"Sorry, homie…" the mercenary muttered. "Let's get on with this, then,"

The group snuck out the next morning before Nova could reawake and headed on for the bridge that crossed a small river on the road. They beat the crap out of a few bandits en route, taking all their stuff and leaving them tied up, and even encountered a british guy on a dragon. He seemed more focused on breaking some seals or something and completely ignored them as he talked to some creepy masked guy and a creepier girl that would have been pretty if she hadn't had red eyes. The dragon grumbled at him, though, so the group took to the skies and flew off.

"Something tells me they didn't belong here…" Kratos muttered.

"Come again, Kratos?" Lloyd asked.

"Never mind, homie…"

So it was that they came to a house of salvation as it was getting late. They abruptly stopped though, as they spotted a figure in purple at the altar, bearing the half-healed wounds of a cat-attack.

"…lla will suffer," she was muttering. "Please, help me save everyone,"

"What're ya praying for, hunny?" Kratos said with a flip of his hair.

"So I can save everyone," she replied without turning. It wasn't long, though, before she jumped and spun to point dramatically at them. "You!"

"Well, that is a nice thought," Lloyd commented.

"Sh…shut up!" she retorted, blushing.

"I'm Kratos Aurion, the most handsome mercenary in all the land," Kratos winked and blew a kiss.

"What…?" she blushed more.

"Kratos?" Lloyd asked cautiously.

"Ah, I'm Colette," she added with a smile. "I'm still inexperienced as a Chosen, but I promise I'll do my best and regenerate the world,"

"I never asked for your names!" the woman yelled in an attempt to get some control over the situation.

"Oh, you're right," Colette agreed. "I'm sorry,"

"I…I'm trying to kill you!" the assassin said with exasperation and badly concealed nervousness.

"I know," Colette replied. "But, if we just talk, I'm sure we can come to an understanding,"

"Are you listening to me?!" the girl practically shrieked.

"I'm listening, but, um…Ms. Assassin…"

"It's Sheena!" she snapped. "Sheena Fujibayashi!"

"Sheena," Colette corrected herself. "You were praying and that makes one's heart grow. I pray, too, so I'm sure we can understand each other,"

"I…I was praying that I'd be able to kill you…" she shook her head and tried to act confident. "Forget it! I lost my concentration! You'd better be ready next time!" She dropped a smoke bomb in front of her and there was a small 'foof' of smoke. She remained there, though. She looked down at it, and then at them, gave a nervous laugh, and dived out the nearest window.

"That was strange…" Lloyd muttered.

"She's not very competent, is she?" Raine added.

"N' sh' n't," Genis agreed, looking slightly dazed.

"She's so pretty…" Kratos was drooling slightly with hearts in his eyes. "I love you Ms. Boobies…" The others sweatdropped.

So they set out the next day for Hakonesia Peak. According to the random people at the house of salvation, it was the only way to continue to the lands north of the mountains. They arrived around the afternoon. Unfortunately, they were informed that they needed road passes to pass through the gate at the top and were directed to the nearby house to buy one.

"If you're looking for road passes, it's 100,000,000 gald per person," the old guy inside informed them crustily.

"Those prices are akin to robbery!" Lloyd objected angrily.

"Silence, boy! I'll have you know, I hate men!"

"That means even those on pilgrimages with the Church of Martel can't make it past here," Raine observed.

"Oh, my, you're quite the beauty!" Koton exclaimed, demonstrating his bi-polar disorder. "If you're on a pilgrimage, I'd be happy to give you a pass!" he handed one to her.

"Thank you," she nodded and left.

"Now, get out!" Koton added to Genis, Lloyd, and Kratos. BONK! A certain person's sword's pommel hit Koton in the head and knocked him out cold.

The group ran into a big group of people outside, which was unusual as this place had been empty a minute ago.

"What is the problem?" Lloyd inquired of no one in particular.

"Oh, you don't know?" a random woman asked, looking at him. "You all would be better off waiting here for a while. No matter what, you should stay away from Palmacoasta,"

"What's going on?" Colette asked.

"It seems the Desians are headed for Palmacoasta!"

"Come again?!" Lloyd exclaimed.

"Plus, they say the leader of the nearby human ranch, Magnius, is with them. I'm going to wait here until things cool down,"

"I feel that we should endeavor to investigate this matter," Lloyd said to the group.

"But that's the opposite of what we were just told, yo," Kratos pointed out.

"I agree with Lloyd," Colette said.

"M' too!" Genis added.

"Kids…" Raine sighed.

So began their two-day trek back to Palmacoasta. They arrived in the afternoon, noticing immediately that the main road to the square had been ransacked and whatnot and that the square itself was having some sort of commotion. They hurried over and stood on the bridge, gazing at a hangman's noose thing that had been erected in a hurry. Some lady was standing on top of it with her head in the noose.

"Out uh da way!" one of the Desians yelled, despite the fact that all the townspeople were nowhere near being in anyone's way. "Lord Magnius approaches!" A guy with a his arms stuck at a horrible, bowed-outward, angle strode suddenly out of nowhere and headed for the crappy noose holder thing.

"It's Magnius from the eastern ranch…" some random guy decided to quietly announce this instead of staying out of harm's way like the rest of the town. Magnius immediately got really ticked off and brutally strangled the guy.

"THAT'S _LORD_ MAGNIUS, VERMIN!" he screamed as he shook the corpse violently.

"Sir…I think da suckuh dead," the guard said quietly. Magnius ignored him. "Ahem…anyway," he addressed the crowd. "Dis lady wouldn't sell us gels dat we wouldn't've evuh used anuhway, so we gonna kill her for…why we doin' this again, sir?"

"THAT'S LORD MAGNIUS!" Lord Magnius screeched, breaking several windows.

"Yes, yes…_Lord_ Magnius," the Desian replied. "But I still don't see why-"

"SHUT UP!"

"Yes, Lord Magnius!"

"Why is not the city militia attempting to forgo this?" Lloyd asked someone nearby.

"Most of them are on coffee break," the man replied.

"Da D'si-gns mu'suh wai'ed fo' di'!" Genis exclaimed angrily.

"Mom!" some girl came running by.

"Stop!" the guard yelled, pointing his pinwheel at her.

"You think Gov'nor-G'n'ral Dorr will let you get away with this?" the girl demanded. "Besides, I'm the one that refused to sell you crap you didn't need,"

"GO AWAY, THE ADULTS ARE BUSY!" Magnius screamed, making a gesture to open the crappy trapdoor under the woman's feet. The guard pressed the button.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Neil came running but tripped and knocked himself out on the steps of the city hall, ending the slow-mo moment. Luckily, said moment had been unnecessary, as the crappy trapdoor immediately jammed, as it had been built crappily. Everyone sweatdropped at the Vice-Gov'nor-G'n'ral and then turned to see a kid chucking rocks at the Desian that really had anger-management issues.

"WHY YOU LITTLE-!" he jumped down and started choking the kid with both hands. A Demon Fang suddenly hit him in the crotch, though, and he dropped the kid, who ran off, oddly unhurt. "OW! DAMN IT! NOT AGAIN! THIS IS THE FIFTH FRICKIN' TIME THIS WEEK!"

"Lloyd, stop!" Raine ran forward and clubbed him over the head. "Remember Iselia?"

"Is this truly the time to recall that unrelated incident?! Incompetents are attempting to murder people!" Lloyd snapped.

"Lloyd's right!" Colette agreed, staying Raine's oncoming whack a second too late. "I won't just stand here and let this happen!"

"Incompetent…?" the Desian guy repeated, looking at the pinwheel he was using for a 'magic staff'. "Wewl, jus' fo' dat, I'm gonna point out dat you wanted dude 74...Lloy' Irvin'!"

"YOU'RE THE BOY WITH THE EXSPHERE!?" Magnius raged, a vein pulsing in his temple. "TAKE IT FROM THEM!" He grabbed a nearby pinwheel guy and teleported away with him. The remaining pinwheel guys raised their 'weapons'.

"We gonna have ta listen ta him fo' weeks 'cause o' you!" the Desians complained, shooting a few fireballs and teleporting.

"Move along! Nothing to see here!" Neil was now back on his feet and waving the crowd away as Kratos cut Cacao free from the noose that she was too stupid to try to remove, as it was poorly tied and way too loose.

"You okay, hunny?" he said to her with a smile.

"Y…Yes…" she replied, taken in by his charm.

"Thank you so much for saving my mom," Chocolat said back in the item shop.

"Yes, thank you," Cacao entered with Kratos, having disappeared with him on the way back to the shop.

"What took you so long?" Raine asked. Kratos cleared his throat and Cacao suddenly got interested in a book of dwarven vows that was lying around.

"Well…I'm off to work now, Mom," Chocolat hastily left.

"I need some air…" Raine left, 'accidentally' hitting Kratos hard upside the head on the way out.

"What's wrong with _them_?" Colette tilted her head and looked at Lloyd.

"I'll speak of it some other time…" Lloyd grabbed her hand and left too.

"Well, I'll see you again, hunny," Krato winked at Cacao and left to join the others.

* * *

**Raine: Kratos, you didn't!**

**Kratos: (looks confused) Didn't what, my rose?**

**Raine: (whack!)**

**Kratos: Ow...**

**Colette: I still don't get it...**

**N2D: I think I'll leave this to ambiguity...anyway, leave a review so that I can know what you liked and whatnot.**

**Lloyd: And there's also a poll now on the profile about who I should end up with later...Hey, no fair, N2D!**

**N2D: I control your fate. Get over it, Irving.**

**Lloyd: (Grumbles)**


	8. Chapter 7

**Don't own TOS, _Kingdom Hearts II_****,**** or _Kung Pow: Enter the Fist. _By the way, Kratos really does hate tomatoes, that's actually canon. I can already see humor stemming in the future...

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**Chapter 7: Of Detours and Desians**

So it was back to the inn for the fivesome, for a good night's sleep. It was early in the morning when a piercing scream came from Colette's room. The others were promptly up and ran there to find her sitting up in the bed, clutching the covers to her.

"What's happened?" Kratos asked groggily, ruffling his hair.

"There was a weird guy in here," Colette replied unhappily.

"Are you all right?" Lloyd asked concernedly.

"Yeah…I think so. He left after I hit him…" she replied. The group sweatdropped.

Neil was out cold outside the inn as they set out early, unable to get back to sleep.

"Do you suppose that Neil was the one that…?" Lloyd began.

"I dunno…it was dark…" Colette muttered.

"He probably just tripped again," Kratos yawned.

"Yes, most likely," Raine agreed. This pointless event aside, they were off, arriving at the Palmacoasta house of salvation by an hour after noon. "Let's take a break here," Raine suggested. So they set up around a nearby fire and started to cook some tomatoes and cabbage.

"Okee! Deeg een!" Genis exclaimed happily, serving the food.

"Oh, geez, tomatoes?" Lloyd and Kratos both complained at exactly the same time. "That was weird!" they looked at each other. "That was weird too! Stop that!"

"Oh, come on, guys, its not that bad," Colette said happily.

"Then why aren't you eating it, my darling angel?" Kratos asked, still eyeing the tomatoes as though they had once done him a mortal wrong.

"Uhm…I'm not really that hungry…" she said with a giggle.

"Hmm…" the mercenary started picking the pieces of cabbage out of his food.

"Chosen One!" a voice called. The party looked back the way they had come and saw a guy running towards them.

"I'm right here!" Colette called, waving.

"Chosen One!" the guy called, running towards them.

"I'm right here!" she replied, waving.

"Chosen One!" the guy called again, running towards them still.

"I'm right here!" she called back.

"Chosen One!" he called yet again.

"Here I am!" Colette called back cheerfully.

"Chosen One!" he finally made it to them. "Chosen! Chosen!" he bounced up and down on his feet.

"What's this about, homie?" Kratos asked, dumping his tomatoes into the fire.

"I have a message from Dorr!" the guy said excitedly. "He wants you to quit the journey for a while! Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, please!"

"Why is that?" Lloyd asked, sweatdropping with the others.

"A pilgrimage tour guide has been kidnapped by the Desians, so Dorr said that we're gonna go totally own those lamers!"

"H'w dat 'lated?" Genis asked.

"We want you to save her while we own!" the guy replied enthusiastically

"Who is it?" Colette asked.

"Girl's called Chocolat,"

"Chocolat?!" Lloyd repeated. "What stupid-butt sort of name is that supposed to be?"

"Oh, no," Raine added.

"Chosen One-" Kratos knocked the guy out.

"Sorry, couldn't take hearing that again," he explained.

"Let's help them," Colette said to Lloyd.

"Okay,"

"Somehow, I thought you were going to say that," Raine moaned.

"Of course!"

"Now, now, Raine, don't be a spoil-sport!" Kratos said heartily, winking at her. "Let's go! Kratos and the hunnies away!" He ran off with Raine chasing him with her staff.

So on they walked, eventually coming to the ranch around late afternoon. It was heavily guarded, with guards even out front and whatnot. They walked a ways up the path but they were quickly stopped before they could even near the gates.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Neil came running out of some trees in slow motion and jumped in front of them.

"Neil!" Lloyd exclaimed. "We were informed of Chocolat's kidnapping,"

"Yeah…" he scratched his head. "About that…"

"It doesn't sound like you have good news," Raine observed.

"Yeah, basically, Dorr's planning to screw you guys over," Neil replied. Colette, Kratos, and Genis were the only ones who were surprised.

"Of the several possibilities, it seems the worst one came true," Lloyd muttered.

"What are you guys talking about?" Colette asked.

"Well…I guess it wouldn't make sense that the Desians wouldn't crush seeds of rebellion," Kratos said slowly. "I guess they're not a threat, my angel,"

"Pretty much," Neil agreed.

"Why he do dis?" Genis asked.

"How would I know?" Neil shrugged. "I'm just his sidekick,"

"Either way, our cute little angel will be in danger if we go here," Kratos said. "Maybe we should just move on,"

"No!" Colette objected.

"Colee's righ'!" Genis agreed.

"I agree with Kratos, let's leave," Raine said threateningly.

"No, regenerating the world and saving the people in front of us are not exclusive of each other, that's what I think," Colette said firmly.

"Well, if my rose wants to go, I'm behind her," Kratos winked at her.

"Count me in as well," Lloyd said. Raine sighed in exasperation.

"Well, then, we have two options at this point,"

"Let's go in," Lloyd interrupted.

"Insolence!" she smacked him upside the head.

"Please take me with you!" Neil pleaded.

"Very well," Lloyd agreed.

So the group proceeded to the front gates and beat the crap out of the guys there. Lloyd kicked open the gate and shouted as he saw more guards in the courtyard. "Come, comrades! Their pinwheels and giant feathers are no match for our swords, staffs, and toys!" so they owned the guys in the yard and proceeded inside; paying a visit to a stone basin and somehow making the ring into some sort of magic radar. Lloyd activated it.

"The surrounding area changed," he observed as the room turned green and the teleporter nearby came on.

"It's a radar," Raine replied.

"Ray…dar?" Genis screwed his face up in concentration.

"You can see things you couldn't before," Raine said impatiently. So they took the teleporter and arrived in an area with a + shaped walkway over an abyss.

"This is most impractical," Lloyd observed.

"Yeah…" Neil agreed. They punched out a nearby guard and went through a door.

"I' da cap'ives…" Genis observed.

"Please, let's save them," Colette said, as though the others would refuse and decide to go watch a nice soap opera at a play theatre somewhere or something.

"Yes, we can't just leave them here, knowing what will happen to them," Raine agreed.

"Does anyone wonder why these bozos make just have thin layers of glass for doors on these featureless cells, yo?" Kratos commented.

"I'll take them out of here," Neil volunteered, ignoring the mercenary. "Some soldiers are going to show up soon, looking for me," So they released the prisoners and Neil left with them. The party headed back to the previous room and took a different teleporter than the one they had arrived in.

"Lloy'! Loo'!" Genis exclaimed, pointing.

"So I told him 'yo mama so stupid, she think Yggdrassill a man'!" Desian 745 said. He and Chocolat both burst into laughter.

"Uh…745?" Desian 777 interjected. "Yggdrassill is a guy,"

"Oh…" 745 said, his face falling. "Don't I feel the fool?"

"Release her!" Lloyd yelled, running forward and owning the lamers, totally.

"You didn't have to do that…" Chocolat muttered.

"You're welcome," Raine said coldly, smacking the girl in the head.

"There isn't any time to be partying, homies," Kratos said with a smile. "We still need to bring down Magnius a notch or two,"

"Is your head properly attached?" Lloyd cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Vice-Gov'nor-G'n'ral Dorr is getting everyone the crap out of here," Raine interjected.

"Dorr finally mobilized his plans, didn't he?" Chocolat asked.

"Uh…yes, of course," Lloyd replied reluctantly.

"Bu', Lloy', I thou'-" Raine hit the kid to cut him off. He promptly dropped to the floor and started rocking in the fetal position, sucking his thumb.

"Oh, geez…" Kratos muttered as Chocolat stupidly volunteered to lead them to a teleporter.

"It may be a bit dangerous, but we'd appreciate your help," Raine said.

"Of course. Follow me!" she led them…across the room.

"Was that certainly necessary?" Lloyd asked, looking at the big, flashing sign that said 'To Control Room'.

So they arrived in the control room, bringing the ungrateful girl with them.

"So the forsaken Chosen and her entourage of vermin have finally arrived," Magnius's voice came out of the ceiling.

"For…saken?" Kratos repeated slowly, trying to work out what this could mean. As sparks started shooting out of his ears, there was a big crash and a big armchair came crashing into the center of the room with Magnius in it.

"OW! WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP!" he screamed, smashing the wreckage with his foot.

"You are mistaken, Magnius," Lloyd said dramatically, pointing at him. "You are forsaken, though you are correct in your statement that that chair is, indeed, inferior to most furniture," Four random Desians, wielding rather large feathers, ran out of conveniently-placed teleporters in other parts of the room and surrounded the group.

"THAT'S LORD MAGNIUS, VERMIN!"

"We're surrounded!" Colette exclaimed.

"Really? I didn't notice…" Raine hit the girl in the head.

"Ow…" she whined.

"JUST LIKE A BUNCH OF %% VERMIN! I KNOW YOUR EVERY %%$ MOVE!" he pulled out a remote and turned on a nearby TV.

"How did Neil get in there?" Colette asked, looking at the security footage. Raine hit her in the head. "Why just me?"

"That's a projector, hunny," Kratos seemed to have finally un-jammed his brain. "A product of magitechnology, comprendé?"

"It's a device that shows things that are far away," Raine added as the doors closed on the door Neil was in, causing him to start freaking out and running around screaming.

"Oh, noes! Th'y trap-ped!" Genis exclaimed, although it came out as a vague, gurgling noise.

"A WASTED EFFORT, $%S!" Magnius shouted bad-temperedly. "YOU'RE FRIGGIN' SCREWED!"

"Not necessarily," Lloyd retorted. "Upon your defeat, we will be able to rescue them,"

"BIG WORDS FROM THE GUY THAT GOT ISELIA TORCHED!" the hot-head retorted.

"I believe we all agreed to never mention that again…" Lloyd muttered.

"I KNOW! I'LL SOMEHOW MAKE THE PRISONERS TURN INTO MONSTERS WITHOUT ACTUALLY DOING ANYTHING, EVEN THOUGH THAT WOULD ACTUALLY BE THE END OF MY RANCH, AS I WOULD HAVE NO PRISONERS LEFT!" The group and the guards gave him an odd look. "I'LL BE HAPPY TO MAKE THEM MONSTERS LIKE THAT OLD LADY YOU KILLED…JUST LIKE MARBLE!"

"What?!" Chocolat exclaimed. "Marble? You don't mean…"

"Oh, but I do, my little Chocolat," Magnius softened slightly but was still quite angry. "Dear old granny Marble was sent to the Iselia ranch, where she was killed by Lloyd. I heard she met a pitiful end,"

"All right, first of all, I don't recall her being turned into a monster at any point in the prior events of this journey and, second of all, Genis is the one who committed arson on the human ranch of Iselia and killed Marble,"

"SHE'S STILL DEAD, YOU %%$ IDIOT!" Magnius roared.

"No…" Chocolat whined quietly, looking very upset and stupidly backing into the guards next to her.

"Release her!" Lloyd demanded as they took her to a teleporter.

"Leave me alone! I refuse to be rescued by Grandma's murderer! I'd rather die!" she screamed.

"You mustn't say things like that!" Colette shouted.

"Yeah, and you can't get dragged off or you won't meet your half-sibling when he or she is born!" Kratos added.

"What?!" Raine exclaimed, glaring daggers at him.

"N-Nothing…just bluffing to try and get her to stay…" he turned away and started humming the Renegade theme.

"Ugh…" Lloyd felt very much like puking.

"What did he mean by that?" Colette tilted her head.

"I think I know…" Desian 689 muttered. "I'm outta here," he and his buddy left, as did Chocolat and the guys holding her.

"MARTEL DANG IT ALL!" Magnius pulled out a giant candy cane. "I'LL JUST KILL YOU MYSELF!"

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**Will Magnius be defeated? Will Kratos ever stop hinting that he makes illegitimate kids? Why am I asking you all these questions? Also, anyone that cares to vote on who Lloyd will be paired with should do so. Oh, and remember to review, I appreciate the feedback.**


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: The Fight and Dorr's Ruin**

"YOU REALLY $!$%^ THINK YOU GONNA $%%^ LIVE THROUGH THIS?!" Magnius screamed as he charged forward and sent Colette spinning across the room by with a broadside to the face.

"Why just me?!" she squealed, bleeding and spitting four teeth out.

"I won't let you take any more lives!" Kratos shouted angrily, a black aura appearing around him for no apparent reason. "_I call upon thee in the land of the dead to unleash thy fury of thunder! _INDIGNATION!" A giant, 3-D diamond appeared over Magnius's head.

"WHAT THE HE-" he was cut off when a giant lightning bolt crashed into him, sending pieces of candy-cane everywhere. Kratos panted as the black aura faded away.

"Um…I'm actually alright…" Colette said meekly from beside him.

"My angel! You're okay!" he scooped her into a hug and started swinging her back and forth until he realized she was bleeding on his coat. "NOOOOO!" he promptly dropped her and started frantically casting water magic at himself in an attempt to wash the blood away. The others gave him odd looks, except for Genis, who noticed that Magnius was getting back up. He tried to tell the others, but his voice was still a vague gurgle. Lloyd noticed, though, when he was smacked into a nearby wall with a broken candy cane, which was being wielded by a very singed, very angry, Grand Cardinal. Electricity was still jolting around his person and he was very twitchy, but that didn't stop him from smacking Raine with a Hell Axe tech.

"YOU $%^$% GOIN' $%% DOWN, $%% $%^$!" he shouted.

"Sonic Thrust!" Lloyd stabbed him in the back as Raine gave him a judo kick to the gut. He went flying back to land on his feet, badly wounded and holding a small fragment of peppermint.

"UGH…HOW?! HOW COULD A ^*$ SUPERIOR HALF-ELF LIKE $%^$% ME…" he groaned angrily, clutching which was, most likely, a bad internal injury.

"It's because you're a friggin' $%$%^, Magnius," Kratos replied smoothly, or as smoothly as anyone who had been crying over their coat for the majority of the fight could. "You hurt my little angel, you have horrible dress sense-"

_Look who's talking…_ Everyone except Colette and Genis (maybe Genis too, actually) thought.

"-I mean, really, a PINK vest? PINK?! I ask you, pink doesn't look good on many people, ESPECIALLY guys with bright RED hair! Comprendè, fool?!" Kratos continued, entering Mr. T mode.

"WHAT?!" Magnius meant this figuratively and in the 'what the heck are you talking about?' sense.

"Yes, that is somewhat correct," Lloyd interjected, casting a worried glance at his eccentric companion. "In any case, Colette is going to regenerate the world! We will not be defeated by you!"

"SO…YOU'RE…THEN…I WAS DECIEVED!" he screamed, falling in a pool of his own blood, which had been flowing copiously out of his back wound since the kick to his gut.

"HEY! I'm not done lecturing you, sucka! Hey, HEY! Dang it all…" Kratos went to sulk in a corner. Meanwhile, Raine was hitting some buttons on a nearby control panel.

"Lloy'!" Genis exclaimed, pointing to a TV, projector, whatever.

"What is it?" he looked as well. Two Desian guys were leading Chocolat out the entrance. Where exactly the camera, which they were watching from, was situated was debatable. They appeared to be telling her a joke and they all laughed heartily as they left.

"Darn it!" Lloyd muttered. Raine pressed some more buttons.

"That should open every door in the ranch," she declared, turning to the group with an air of superiority.

"What about the Exspheres implanted in them?" Lloyd asked. "Without Key Crests, it is only a matter of time before they go out of control,"

"Can' w' jus' take da Ekee-sfeers offa dem?" Genis asked.

"That's kinda dangerous, kiddo," Kratos commented, coming over from his corner. "Only a dwarf could handle it,"

"Then we can ask Dirk to do it," Colette suggested brightly.

"Yes," Lloyd agreed. "Let us contact my father,"

"We can work out the details later," Raine interrupted. "I'm going to make this place blow the frick up now," Everyone looked at her like she was more nuts than usual.

"Seriously?!" Lloyd exclaimed.

"Bu' Rainee…" Genis began, only to get a rather hard tap on the head with a staff. He went back to the fetal position, sucking his thumb. Raine hit a big, obvious, red button and an alarm started blaring.

"OH, CRAP! THE SELF-DESTRUCT MECHANISM HAS BEEN ACTIVATED!" Desian 482 screamed into the PA. "TEN MINUTES UNTIL DETONATION! CLOSE DOWN ALL THE SHOPS! GET OUT OF THE COFFEE LOUNGE! CANCEL THE THREE RING CIRCUS! RELEASE ALL THE ANIMALS FROM THE ZOO! GET THE FRIGGIN HECK OUTTA HERE!" The party rushed to the teleporter and reappeared in the main room, where it was utter chaos. Desians were all scrambling for the exit, animals were running everywhere, and the Spaceballs theme was playing on the PA for no reason.

"Come on, my hunnies!" Kratos cried, clearing a path with several Fierce Demon Fang techs. At length, they made it through the even-more-chaotic courtyard and outside.

"Hey, guys!" Neil called happily as they came sprinting by. "What's the hurry?"

"It's gonna explode!" Colette called at him. He jumped at this proclamation and started to run. Slow motion kicked in as he ran.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he jumped dramatically away as the complex exploded and landed on the ground, face-first.

"Well, that was fun…" Kratos groaned, pulling himself out of the pile of charred wood and building fragments.

"I must disagree with that sentiment," Lloyd grumbled, shifting a rather large tree off of himself and Colette.

"Owie…" Neil climbed out of a burnt bush, covered with boo-boos.

"You're all a bunch of children," Raine said arrogantly, pulling a battered and KO'd Genis free of a pile of twisted metal.

"Ah…what about Chocolat?" Neil asked, completely ruining the drama by saying something out of the blue.

"She was taken to another location," Raine replied.

"I see…" Neil muttered, pondering Seppuku.

"Don't worry, now. The great Kratos Aurion will save her," said mercenary declared heroically, putting his foot up on a fallen tree. "She must be in the life of her new half-brother or sister!" Everyone looked at him. "Kidding…only kidding…"

"By the way, the captive have something called Exspheres implanted in them," Lloyd interjected to Neil. "It's dangerous to leave them as they are now, so you must send a letter, in my name, to a dwarf named Dirk, who lives in Iselia. He will assist you in their removal," Neil jotted this all down in a notebook he pulled from who-knows-where.

"Anyway, I think we need to go talk to the jerk-hole who tried to hurt my lovely angel," Kratos said. "First, though, let's go by a washing facility," he involuntarily brushed some dirt from his pant leg.

"Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man…TAKE ME WITH YOU!" Neil begged, falling to his knees and grabbing Lloyd's hand.

"All right! All right!" Lloyd said quickly, very disturbed.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Neil started kissing Lloyd's hand repeatedly.

"Ahh!" he jerked it away.

"Calm down, man! It's not like we just agreed to anything that major…" Kratos added uncomfortably.

After two days with the annoying Asst. Gov'nor-G'n'ral later, they finally arrived back in Palmacoasta. They attempted to take a break at the inn and wash their clothes, but were only able to complete the latter before Neil finally goaded them to head to the city hall.

"Oh, my comfy, comfy clothes!" Kratos said happily, hugging himself. "I'll never let you get dirty or un-fluffy again!" The others took a step away from him as they walked. "Oh, hey, hunny!" he waved at Cocoa, unnecessarily, as she came out of the shop to speak to them.

"What's happened to Chocolat?" she asked.

"Well…" Lloyd scratched his head.

"Oh…I had no idea that had happened to my mother," she commented after a long, boring story.

"My apologies," Lloyd bowed his head.

"It's okay," Cocoa assured him. "But Chocolat was very close to my mother,"

_That explains why she overreacted…_the party thought, except for Colette and Genis (who was still in la-la land from his brain damage).

"Don't worry! The great Kratos Aurion will rescue her!" Kratos said dramatically as the Fellowship's theme from PJ's LOTR began to play, putting his foot on the counter. "I will not abandon Chocolat to torment and death!" He pointed out the window. "Let's hunt some Desian!" He ran out. Everyone sweatdropped.

"C'mon, guys!" Neil whined. "We've gotta go see Dorr!"

"WE KNOW!" the others shouted.

Kratos caught up with them as they came to the city hall.

"Did you know that Palma Potion contains many fine, distilled products?" he asked, holding up a bottle. "The nice lady at the bar gave this to me for free because I was so handsome and listened to her attentively,"

"Uh-huh…" Lloyd said off-handedly as they entered the building. Kratos, pouting, followed.

"It's okay, Mr. Aurion, Lloyd just wants to get this over with," Colette said with a smile.

"Aww…you're so nice, Colette," he said, beaming at her.

Once inside, it was obvious that no one was there.

"There's no one here," Neil pointed out.

"No, really?" Lloyd said with a touch of irritation.

"Really, really!" Neil whined. "C'mon! You have to believe me, Lloyd!"

"I think I hear voices below," Colette interrupted, looking at the ajar door to the right of the entrance.

"Well, the angel said there's something there, so let's go!" Kratos headed off down the stairs. The more collected members sighed and shrugged before they all followed him.

"When will Clara turn back so I can stop doing my own laundry?" Dorr drawled, bored.

"I dunno," Desian 946 shrugged. "Pay us more money,"

"But I can't!" Dorr objected with a yawn.

"Whatever," Desian 946 put a bag of money into his pocket and walked out, somehow missing the obvious group of six that was standing behind a conveniently-placed stack of crates.

"Don't worry, Kilia," Dorr droned to his daughter, who happened to be next to him. "Soon we'll…oh, crap," he had seen the group emerging from their obvious hiding spot and coming up to him.

"What is wrong? You look like you see a ghost?" Lloyd taunted him.

"Um, Lloyd, that's a really clichéd line," Kratos pointed out.

"Shut up, Kratos!" the mercenary pouted.

"What are you doing here?" Dorr droned. "Where's Neil?"

"Gov'nor-G'n'ral…how could you…" Neil burst into tears and started rolling around in the floor.

"You betrayed me," he noted.

"B-But they destroyed the ranch for us!" Neil wailed from the floor.

"!" commented Kilia, which, come to think of it, wasn't a comment, or even a sentence.

"What? You destroyed Clara's hopes of living," Dorr said. "Now I'll never get to stop doing my own laundry,"

"I am not aware of this person, however we rescued all prisoners of the ranch," Lloyd said.

"Except for Chocolat," Kratos muttered.

"Then try saving Clara," he pulled a sheet off of a nearby jail cell. "Save my wife," A giant monster that may have been a cucumber or something was in the cell.

"!!" exclaimed Kratos, looking shocked and having a rare emo moment. Genis, frightened like the little wuss he was, started whining and hiding behind Kratos's leg.

"She's crying out in pain…" Colette moaned, covering her ears. "You mustn't call her a monster," The others merely heard a very high-pitched sound. Kratos, for some odd reason, fell to the floor, clutching his head, and started whimpering like a dog.

"This is what happened to my wife, Clara," Dorr said with a yawn.

"So that's why you told everyone she died," Raine commented, kicking Kratos in the stomach.

"My dad, the previous Gov'nor-G'n'ral, was an idiot and the Desians killed him for not paying for all the tranquilizers they sold him. Then, I couldn't pay either so they put some seed in my wife and now she's a cucumber-thing. I have to do my own laundry, now!" Dorr explained. "Until I pay them off, the cucumber is here to stay," Genis shouted a garbled objection.

"Who cares!" Dorr snapped, or, more precisely, raised his voice slightly, "It was the only way to save Clara. But you went and fricked it up,"

"You are not the sole victim!" Lloyd reprimanded. "I feel for your wife, but think of all of the people who believed in you, only to be sent off to the ranch! Any one of them may have become like her!"

"Shut up," Dorr droned. "Stop acting like your justice is absolute!"

"I hate that word!" Lloyd retorted.

"What, "absolute"?" Kratos asked.

"No…"

"Ooh, is it, "acting"?"

"NO! I hate the word "justice", you idiot!" Lloyd yelled. Kratos pouted. "If you wanted to save your wife," he went back to addressing Dorr. "You should have resigned and searched for a cure or help! You are a worthless piece of dreck who could not give up his social status, even for his wife!"

"Lloyd, please stop!" Colette exclaimed. "Not everyone's strong enough to stand up against the Desians. Please, stop this!"

"Colette…" Lloyd muttered, backing down.

_Okay, a bit of a side note, here. The Desians use friggin' feathers, pinwheels, and other useless crap. Who could actually not be able to stand up to them? Oh, well._

"I'll find it for you!" Colette volunteered. "If there's a medicine that can save your wife, I promise to find it! So please…"

"There's no use. There's no way to remove a demon seed once it has sprouted," Kilia said sinisterly, poking Dorr in the back and, somehow, making a bloody hole.

"Ow! Drags-ville…" Dorr fell down.

"What are you doing?!" Kratos snapped. "How could you do that to your daddy?"

"That's a laugh," Kilia replied, turning all purple and spring-based. The group stared in horror at the poorly-thought-out character design. "I work for Pronyma and was just watching the cucumber-thing. There's no way this is my daddy, LOL!"

"LO…L?" Colette repeated in dismay.

"Didn't even notice that I stuffed his daughter in a closet because he was chasing non-existent medicine to save his cucumber wife so that she could do his laundry. LOL!"

"You!" Lloyd snapped.

"How could you!" Colette shouted, shoving a chakram through the thing's head. "NOW DIE AT MY HANDS, YOU ROTTEN VERMIN!" Colette's voice became demonic for a second as she bludgeoned the thing to death. Unfortunately, the OOC moment somehow managed to open the cell and the cucumber slouched out.

"Oh, crap…" Kratos muttered. Luckily, it noticed Colette wiping Kilia's blood around her person and laughing demonically so it left as quickly as it could slouch-walk.

"Wait!" Colette called after it, back to normal. It ignored her. She looked at the group. "Why is everyone looking at me like that?"

"Is Kilia really dead?" Dorr groaned. The group jumped, having forgotten him for a few moments.

"No, she's in a closet somewhere. Weren't you listening, fool!?" Kratos was having another Mr. T moment.

"I see, your name's Lloyd?" Dorr asked, his voice getting raspy.

"When was that mentioned?" Lloyd asked no one in particular.

"Professor Sage, please, help him!" Colette cried compassionately. Raine held her staff over him and a glowy light appeared at the end.

"Heal, darn you, heal!" Raine shouted. Finally, annoyed, she stopped trying and stomped out.

"Save Chocolat…and Clara too…so she can do Kilia's laundry when she comes back…" Dorr groaned. "Take this pass that I conveniently have for no reason in particular," he handed it to Lloyd and then, shaking a large rattle, he expired. Neil wailed loudly.

"Gov'nor-G'n'ral Dorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" It began to rain outside for no reason in particular and 'On the Hill the Night' began playing as though Dorr was a significant character.

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**I don't own anything I referenced to in this chapter. Also, remember to vote in the pole on my profile page if anyone particularly cares who Lloyd will end up with. By the way, I do know that Kratos doesn't learn Indignation but it was instrumental to my joke. Remember to review now...****  
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	10. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: A Detour (Although, Technically, It's Not, Seeing as They're Looking for the Seals in the First Place)

**It took a few hours for Neil to stop screaming and sobbing over Dorr's body, by which point the others were considering heading to the inn and coming back the next day.**

"**Sorry," Neil sniffed, drying his nose and eyes on a tablecloth. "Thank you for all your help…"**

"**What are you going to do now?" Raine asked, still looking annoyed.**

"**I think I'll go talk to all the head bozos in town and redo this odd system of government," Neil replied, blowing his nose loudly.**

"**Good luck," Lloyd replied. "As for ourselves, we are going to find Chocolat, no matter the cost,"**

"**Yes, because we promised the dead guy," Kratos agreed. Neil burst into a new bout of wailing at this.**

"**GOV'NOR-G'N'RALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!" the party quickly vacated the building. **

**Fortunately, the rain outside had stopped.**

"**I feel bad for him," Colette said sadly.**

"**Que sera, sera," Kratos shrugged.**

"**These useless healing arts can't even save someone who's dying?! How useless!" Raine ranted at no one in particular, facing away from the group.**

"**Professor Sage? Are you talking to that wall?" Colette asked, tilting her head.**

"**No!" Raine snapped, making the party take a step away in case she started abusing them. "It's nothing!" No more was said on the subject. **

**Since it was already late, they decided they would take a stroll around the city before turning in at the inn. Aimless wandering led them to a big steamboat that was parked by a stone path, which was out in the water for some odd reason, perhaps an attempt at a fancy, rail-less, dock. The ludicrousness of this design became apparent when Genis fell in the water while the others were admiring the boat.**

"**This is the Lady Isabelle!" a random sailor said proudly as Kratos fished out Genis. "She can run off of steam!"**

"**Wow!" Colette exclaimed as Kratos whined over getting water on his clothes (he had fallen in while fishing Genis out).**

"**Geez, this place is in the stone age," a certain person said, chucking a rock at the boat. "Boo! This boat sucks!"**

"**Hey! How dare you insult our Isabelle!" the sailor snapped as the other sailors picked up random rusty instruments of destruction and advanced menacingly.**

"**What, this piece of-" Sheena spotted the gang. "Uh…just remember, you're all dead next time!" She then spotted the sailors and chucked a smoke bomb at them.**

"**AHH! Cabbage casserole!" an arbitrary person yelled as everyone evacuated the docks.**

"**Isn't…that what she…said…last time?" Lloyd coughed, sometime later, as the party stood in front of the inn.**

"**Oh, Shee-Shee…your creativity knows no bounds…" Kratos said, hearts in his eyes. Lloyd grabbed a tomato from a passerby and chucked it at him. This resulted in him screaming like a little girl and running into the inn to seek a washing machine and a bathtub. Considering how they reeked of cabbage casserole now, the others did the same, sans the screaming, of course.**

**The next two days were occupied by heading back to Hakonesia Peak. En route, however, they somehow ended up at the Thoda Island Sightseeing Boat Dock, which happened to be near the ruins of the Palmacoasta Ranch.**

"**Why have we traveled to this location?" Lloyd asked as the party made their way into the house of salvation/dock-house-thing. They were interrupted by an energetic girl who was dressed as a candy bar.**

"**Hi! Welcome to the Thoda Island Sightseeing Boat Dock!" she said quickly, gobbling down a chocolate bar. "This is the most convenient, only way to view the Thoda Geyser," The party stared at the sugar-rush-inflicted girl. "It will be 200 Gald for a round trip. Would you like to use the boat?"**

"**Sure, hunny," Kratos handed over the money.**

"**THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!" she screamed, hugging him and swinging him from side to side. This went on for half an hour before Raine finally knocked the girl out, out of sheer annoyance. Kratos sighed with relief and brushed off his outfit as they headed out.**

"**I normally like being hugged by girls," he commented, casting a wary eye back at Candy. "But I think she can be a rare exception,"**

"**At least she wasn't in a tomato suit," Lloyd commented. Kratos shuddered at the thought. They soon came to a stop on the dock itself, looking at the "boats". "They are…washtubs?" Lloyd said disbelievingly.**

"**Ye', i' a wa'tu'," Genis replied, finally back to a level of coherence.**

"**Washtubs…hmm…" Kratos's perverted brain slipped into perverted thoughts about perverted things which he had pervertedly done in his perverted past in washtubs. Unaware of this, Colette said happily.**

"**Wow! This looks like it'll be fun!" Raine wasn't so enthusiastic.**

"**I…I'm going to wait here," she commented, her face a light green. "Go on without me,"**

"**What is the matter, Professor Sage?" Lloyd asked.**

"**That craft is ludicrously unstable," she objected evasively. "I won't board it,"**

"**It looks fun!" Colette disagreed cheerfully. "Come on, let's get in!" She grabbed Raine's hand, causing the teaching to let out a very OOC scream and jerk away.**

"**Professor…are you frightened of water?" Lloyd asked. "It is merely two atoms of hydrogen and one atom of oxygen bonded together into a molecule. Of course, there are other things in **_**this **_**particular water, seeing as this is the ocean and all but…" BONK! A staff interrupted him and put him on the ground, rubbing his head and cursing.**

"**I was just going to say," she repeated the scream poorly. "This is going to be fun! INSOLENT STUDENT!" She whacked him again, receiving a cry of protest, and climbed shakily into one of the unsteady craft.**

"**Um…all right…" Lloyd groaned, struggling to get back to his feet.**

"**Heh, heh, heh…" Kratos chuckled lecherously, not having heard a word of any of this.**

**Needless to say, washtubs don't make good inter-island vessels, so they ended up having to swim half of the way after the washtubs sank. **

"**$%, stupid, $%$% pieces of $%^ crap!" Kratos coughed, heaving an unconscious Raine onto the dock at Thoda Island.**

"**That was fun, wasn't it, Lloyd?!" Colette said excitedly.**

"**Oh, yes, nearly drowning due to faulty sailing vessels is most diverting!" Lloyd said sarcastically as Kratos attempted to give Raine mouth-to-mouth.**

"**Wh' h' doin'?" Genis asked Lloyd.**

"**CPR," Lloyd replied.**

"**Does he need to use his tongue?" Colette asked innocently, tilting her head.**

"**Ye-Come again?" Lloyd saw what she meant. "% it, Kratos!" Raine seemed to be thinking along the same lines as she smacked him upside the head while coughing water at him.**

"**MAKE OUT WITH **_**ME**_** WHILE I'M UNCONSCIOUS, WILL YOU?" **

**After Raine had chased the perverted mercenary around the area for about fifteen minutes, she finally got tired of listening to his pained cries and took a break.**

"**Wow!" Genis had just now noticed the geyser, even though the party had been standing near it for quite a while.**

"**A geyser is a type of hot spring that periodically erupts with boiling water and water vapor," Lloyd recited for no reason in particular.**

"**I knoweded dat!" Genis objected. Colette, who had been staring off at a sign, uttered a brief,**

"**Hmm…"**

"**What is it, hunny?" Kratos asked, having healed most of the wounds to his torso and head.**

"**That sign…over on that lookout platform…" she pointed.**

"**What about the sign?" Lloyd asked.**

"**It looks kind of familiar…" Colette replied. "Maybe it's just my imagination,"**

"**Look, what's that?" Raine pointed to a rock ledge on the other side of the geyser. There was a statue sitting on said ledge, looking suspiciously like it had been placed there rather than dropped like it probably had been.**

"**It looks like a Spiritua Statue from a house of salvation," Lloyd noted.**

"**I bet it's worth a lot of money," Kratos noted. "Look at that diamond halo," He looked at Genis. "Hey, freeze the geyser with your magic,"**

"**NO!" Lloyd and Raine screamed, but Genis was already launching a spell.**

"**ICICEE!" he shouted, pointing his kendama in the general direction of the geyser. It immediately froze over. Unfortunately, everyone around him was also covered in a thick layer of frost.**

"**Kratos!" Lloyd burst out of a pile of the powdered ice and grabbed the aging hipster from another pile. "We never let him use his magic! It **_**never**_** ends well, **_**ever**_**!" **

"**Well, neither does anything any of us do," he pointed out.**

"**Ugh…" Lloyd gave an irritated sigh. "**_**Anyway**_**…I'm going to get that statue," **

"**No, no…allow me!" Kratos cried, pulling on some ice skates.**

"**Okay…" Lloyd shrugged. "But the ice will only last for thirty…" Kratos was already gone. "…seconds more…" The purple swordsman skated in a figure eight and did a midair twirl as he crossed the geyser. Deftly grabbing the statue in one hand, he skated back to them, on one foot, and gracefully presented the statue to Raine.**

"**Here you are, my rose! An artifact as ancient as Spiritua herself!" he declared heroically.**

"**YES! THE STATUE OF SPIRITUA!" Raine grabbed it and went into ruin mode. "Spiritua became an angel and the world was regenerated! Now, her legacy lives on in this statue!" Everyone but Kratos was creeped out by the odd glow in her eyes, but Kratos, being Kratos and all, was staring at her with a bit of drool escaping from his mouth. Lloyd, meanwhile, was searching behind the nearby sign and found an oracle stone.**

"**Hey, isn't this an oracle stone?" he pointed out. Raine and Kratos snapped back to reality.**

"**So this is the seal of water!" Raine exclaimed excitedly.**

"**That must be why it looked familiar," Colette added. "Okay, then, I'll try putting my hand on the stone," she did so and some rocks fell off the distant cliff-face and into the geyser, causing several tourists to get third-degree burns. "Here we go!" she said as a sparkly bridge of water formed, leading to the hole in the cliff.**

"**Huh?" Sheena had been staring at the tourist sign of the geyser, somehow not getting hit by the water earlier, when she suddenly noticed the sparkly bridge.**

"**Excellent…" Raine put her fingers together. "Now, let us begin the excavation at once!"**

"**We are not present here to excavate anything…" Lloyd reminded her. His face was suddenly intoduced to Mr. Palm, resident of Raine's hand. So the group headed across the bridge of, somehow, tread-able water of sparkliness. Sheena attempted to follow but Noishe suddenly jumped out of nowhere, smelling like cabbages and mothballs, and blocked her way.**

"**Corrine!" she shouted as the party continued to walk abnormally slowly up the path of sparkly water. A weird fox-like thingy appeared but Noishe just smacked it across the face, making it cry. Finally, the party got inside and the sparkly bridge decided to go on coffee break, vanishing.**

"**Grr!" Sheena took out her rage on a nearby fruit stand that just happened to be there. "I'll get you next time for sure!" Noishe howled for no reason in particular.**

"**Why does this stinky and poorly conceived animal/character/thing stand in front of us and somehow get in the way, despite the fact that you're a ninja and should be able to just jump the fence or something to circumvent the path he's blocking?" Corrine pouted.**

"**Grr!" Sheena replied.**

"**Woof!" said Noishe.**

"**Grr!" retorted Sheena.**

"**Woof!" snapped Noishe. This went on for quite a while…**

**Meanwhile, inside, Kratos fell back and stopped. Lloyd, who also happened to be lagging behind the group at the moment, stopped and looked at him.**

"**What is it?" he asked.**

"**The lavender hottie didn't make it…" Kratos said sadly.**

"**What female are you referring to?" Lloyd inquired.**

"**The one that's after my angel…" Kratos groaned and sniffed the purple wallet that Sheena had dropped back at the Ossa Trail. "Oh, woe, thy name is Kratos! Why must I be torn between my angel, my rose, and my lavender-scented beauty with the endowments of a true angel!" Lloyd considered whether to comment on this soliloquy, decided he'd rather not, and said,**

"**She followed us?" Kratos looked at him incredulously. **

"**You didn't notice, bud?" he replied in disbelief.**

"**I do not expend my attention on all of the females in the vicinity," Lloyd responded with a touch of distaste. "Besides, I was contemplating and such,"**

"**Never let your guard down, ever, bud," Kratos said, walking past him and flipping his hair in what he obviously considered to be a cool and enigmatic way. "Assuming you want to survive,"**

"**Oh, yes, of course, you are very perfect so you would never make an error," Lloyd said sarcastically.**

"**Even the great Kratos makes mistakes….I made a terrible one…" with that, he walked off.**

"**You don't make any sense sometimes…" Lloyd shrugged and ran to catch up with the others.**

**After beating up some random sponge colonies that somehow had tentacles sprouting out the sides of it, starfish that obviously watched kung-fu movies too much, and floating balls that, somehow, cast spells that made giant jets of water shoot at the party; they came to, yet another, stone basin thing that made the sorcerer's ring different.**

"**Wawa come outta da wing!" Genis observed after Lloyd had tested it on Kratos.**

"**Meanie…" he mumbled, wringing out his precious coat for the third time that day.**

"**The Thoda Geyser is a plentiful source of water, it must have reacted to that," Lloyd hypothesized.**

"**With this power, we can supply water to distant areas," Raine added.**

"**Bu' awl it do is squeert wawa," Genis commented. "Dat weak,"**

"**INSOLENCE!" Raine smacked him and he was, once again, reduced to a near-vegetable. Kratos, who picked up innuendos a little too easily, sniggered. Although a rather painful tap on the head with a staff quickly shut him up and he hefted Genis onto his shoulder like a bag of grain, as usual.**

**Heading into the next room, they spotted a scale. Lloyd squirted water into one of the pails and the scale tilted, causing a large, stone platform to rise up to where it could be accessed.**

"**That should lead to the seal," he noted.**

"**Yeah," Colette agreed. "Let's go!" she skipped off to the teleporter.**

"**The angel has spoken!" Kratos skipped after her. The others, once over their WTH reaction to said skipping, followed with a more dignified gait.**

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**Wow, Kratos is really odd and even more perverted than usual...Anyway, hope this chapter was funny and don't forget to review. Still don't own anything I referenced to, by the way. Also, remember the poll on who Lloyd gets with in the end...y'know, if it matters to you. No pressure, really.**


	11. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10: A Battle of Water and One of Stupidity, and Looking for Asgard As Well**

The group emerged in an underground cavern with waterfalls flowing into a big pool, which the altar and its small, surrounding structure seemed to be floating amidst.

"This place is all dark and humid," Kratos complained, remembering how much like seaweed and other unearthly things his clothes smelled like. "Let's hurry up and get out of here,"

"We must release the seal first," Lloyd reminded him, approaching Colette and he.

"I know that," Kratos whined. Genis started pitching a fit, all of a sudden, as a bunch of monsters suddenly jumped out of the seal. They appeared to be floating mermaid-type things with harps. "I know just what to do!" Kratos declared. He held his sword in a goofy, backhanded way and started muttering some odd words in latin or something; a purple circle was spinning around his feet for whatever reason. The others decided to go ahead and attack. It was just as well, as one of the smaller fish things smacked the mercenary upside the head with its giant harp. "Ow! This takes concentration, you know!" he reprimanded it. The only reply was another whack in the head as it started chasing him around the room. Meanwhile, Genis had lightning raining around at random spots on the field, injuring his allies more than his enemies. Lloyd found this very annoying as he attempted to duke it out with the big mermaid-thing, only to receive painful slaps of the tail to the face and bolts of lightning to the rest of his body.

"First Aid!" Raine shouted for what had to be the thirty-fifth time as Colette was sent slamming into a pole again.

"Why just me?!" she whined, attempting to cast Angel Feathers again, only to be slapped again. "Why just me?!" she whined again as Kratos smash-tackled the fish/mermaid/thing that was bothering her.

"SUPER LIGHTNING BLADE!" he yelled stabbing it to death with lighting bolts accompanying said stabbing.

"Wow! You're so cool, Mr. Aurion!" Colette exclaimed.

"Why, thank you, my little angel!" he said, blowing a kiss and winking. Just then, one of Genis's lightning bolts struck him and he was instantly blackened. Letting out a puff of smoke from his mouth he fell down with an odd noise that resembled the squeak of a squeaky toy. Shocked at this, a black aura appeared around Colette.

"I'M MAD NOW!" she roared in a demonic voice.

Long story short, the monsters were owned in a very brutal and bloody way. Remiel floated down to see the Chosen laughing maniacally and making blood angels on the floor while the group (Kratos had, somehow, had a Life Bottle dumped on him) looked on with varying degrees of horror, disgust, and WTHIGO expressions.

"Um…hello?" he asked cautiously. Colette instantly became normal.

"Why am I covered in blood?" she asked innocently, tilting her head.

"You've done well, Chosen!" Remiel interrupted. "The second seal in now released,"

"Thank you, Father," she replied with a bow.

"Accept this blessing from Cruxis," he said, looking slightly miffed and pulling out his remote control. "I hereby grant you additional angelic power," A bunch of iridescent light flew into her. "The next seal is to the north, in some tower that looks at another tower,"

"Father, have I done something to displease you?" Colette asked.

"Oh, nothing, nothing…it's nothing…." he said unconvincingly. "Just become an angel and, for the love of Martel, stop getting sidetracked by ranch raids and helping out random people," He disappeared in a blinding flash of light, which blinded the group for ten minutes.

"What's up with him?" Kratos grumbled, attempting to fix his hair. "Always talkin' like he's so important," Colette came back to the group and Raine thought she might take offense at this. THWACK!

"Not the face!" the aging hipster whined, shielding himself with his arms.

"Apologize to Colette!" Raine demanded threateningly.

"It's okay," Colette interjected. "He really does sound like that,"

"Well, shall we get going to the next seal?" Lloyd commented.

"Yeah…" Kratos agreed. "Although, he was confusing, as usual,"

"Stop complaining," Raine said, still holding her staff. "Let's go,"

They managed to make it out of the cave with no problem and, luckily, the sparkly bridge was back from coffee break and they were able to make it back to the other side where neither Noishe nor Sheena were any longer. It wasn't thirty seconds, though, before Colette fell down with a squeaky toy noise.

"Professor!" Lloyd shouted. Raine spun around.

"Oh, no! We must let her rest immediately," Raine exclaimed.

"Time to set up camp, then," Kratos said, dropping Genis like he was a sack of rice and smashing a nearby signpost for firewood, using a kung fu kick that he, for whatever reason, never used in battles.

"Yes…" Raine agreed. "but if this is going to happen every time she releases a seal, Colette is going to have a friggin' awful journey. For now, I'm calling this phenomenon Angel Toxicosis,"

"Who's in the what, now?" Kratos said, trying comprehend this. Colette stirred. "Colette, are you okay?" he completely forgot about the complicated term, instantly. "Does it hurt?"

"I'm fine," she moaned, face white. "It'll go away soon…I'm sorry for worrying everyone,"

"Okay, that's enough. You're not allowed to apologize anymore, okay?" Lloyd interjected, earning a glare from Kratos. She gave a feeble giggle.

"I'm sorry,"

Camping in the cramped area near the geyser was difficult and dangerous. Difficult because of the lack of space, and dangerous because boiling water could come crashing down at any given moment.

"Colette, you're still up?" Lloyd said, approaching her as she stood on an elevated spot, looking at the moon. Colette looked at him and gave a little giggle.

"I couldn't sleep," she explained.

"You may feel better now, but you must still rest,"

"I know. I'll go to sleep in a little bit. Don't worry,"

"But still…"

"Kratos is still awake too. See?" she pointed at said mercenary, who was staring at the fire in an angsty way while scratching Noishe, who had mysteriously turned back up all of a sudden, behind the ears.

"That's because he is afraid of being burned by scalding water at any given moment," Lloyd pointed out. As though to support this claim, the geyser erupted nearby and Kratos dove under Noishe for protection. Thankfully, no water came their way. "You need to rest,"

"Okay…" she muttered.

"Okay, good night," Lloyd went back and laid down on the ground.

"Good night…" she muttered, turning back to the moon. _Please, dream some good dreams for me, Lloyd…_

"Can't sleep, hunny?" Kratos finally extricated himself from his hiding place after a dozen minutes or so.

"Ah…no, I'm fine," she said quickly, turning to see him beside her. He turned and shrugged.

"Well, when you can't sleep, you should count stars…although, a human life is far too short to count them all…"

"That's a good idea," she replied thoughtfully. "I'll try that," The aging hipster went back over to Noishe and gave Colette one last sad look before falling asleep against the animal/chararter/thing's soft fur.

The next morning, the party packed it up and went down to the dock.

"How are we going to get back?" Raine asked brusquely.

"Well…" Lloyd scratched his head. As though in reply, several washtubs floated into the dock. "Let's use those,"

"Yay! More washtub fun!" Colette exclaimed, jumping in one.

"Yay," Lloyd and Kratos repeated, sans enthusiasm.

"Urk…" Raine intoned, looking green.

One boat/tub ride later, they were back at the Thoda Island Sightseeing Boat Dock.

"Hi! Did you enjoy the ride?!" Candy called to them. They quickly left the area and ran all the way to Hakonesia Peak, somehow making it in only a few hours.

"I think we lost her…" Kratos wiped his eyebrow with his lavender handkerchief, which still smelled like the cologne that he had recently reapplied in copious amounts, so as to cover up his smell.

"Hey, beautiful!" Koton waved and winked suggestively at Raine, who turned green. Kratos had a brief, violent impulse and knocked the guy out with the Spiritua Statue, which, ironically, the guy had wanted to begin with. Continuing to the gate at the top of the hill, a guard struck them up in conversation.

"None shall pass!" he said, his voice echoing from within his black helmet.

"What?" Kratos asked.

"None shall pass," the guard repeated.

"I have no quarrel with you, good sir guard, but we must cross this gate," Kratos explained.

"I move…for no man…" the guard replied.

"So be it!" cried Kratos, pulling out his blade and attacking the guy, who blocked him. They continued trading blows until Kratos lobbed the guy's arm off, causing the party to flinch.

"I win! Stand aside, worthy adversary!" the mercenary did a little victory jig.

"'Tis but a scratch…" the guard said smugly.

"A scratch?!" Kratos repeated incredulously. "Your arm's off!"

"No it isn't!" the guard objected.

"What's that then?!" Kratos pointed at said arm, which was lying on the ground. The guy glanced at it and then back at the mercenary.

"I've had worse…" he muttered.

"You liar!" Kratos shouted.

"Come on, you wussy!" the guard engaged Kratos again and they traded blows until Kratos hacked off his other arm.

"Victory is mine!" the aging hipster declared, getting on his knees and starting to pray, for reasons known only to him. "Thank you, Goddess Martel, that in thy mercy-" He was interrupted by the guard kicking him in the side of the face and knocking him over.

"Come on!" the guy declared.

"What are you doing?" Kratos asked in disbelief.

"Have at you!" the guard shouted, kicking him in the stomach.

"You are, indeed, brave, sir guard, but the fight is mine," Kratos told him, getting up.

"Oh, had enough, eh?" the guard taunted, hopping back and forth like a boxer.

"Look, you stupid $%$^, you've got no arms left!" Kratos shouted, starting to get mildly annoyed.

"Yes, I have," the guard disagreed pompously.

"Look!" the mercenary pointed at the bleeding stubs on the guy's person.

"It's just a flesh wound," the guard said dismissively, kicking Kratos's butt, literally.

"Stop that!"

"Chicken! Chicken!"

"I'll have your leg!" Kratos threatened, hacking off the guy's right leg as he attempted to kick him in the stomach again. The party flinched again.

"I'll beat you for that!" the guard shouted, hopping on one foot.

"You'll _what_?!" Kratos asked, incredulity levels starting to get off the charts.

"Come here," the guy hopped towards him and started attempting to ram him with his torso.

"What're you gonna do bleed on me?" Kratos demanded.

"I'm invincible!" the guard declared, hopping back to regroup.

"You're a loony,"

"The Black Guard always triumphs!" he attempted to ram Kratos again. "Have at you!" Rolling his eyes, the mercenary hacked the guy's other leg off and he fell to the ground with a squeaky toy noise.

"All right, we'll call it a draw," the BG finally said from his prone position. The party was already moving on, though, and Kratos was whining that the blood would never come out of his clothes. "Oh, I see! Running away, eh?! You yellow $%$s! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!"

By the time the group got over their WTH moments and by the time nightfall came, they were at the Asgard house of salvation.

"All right, we will rest here and then go in search of Asgard come the morrow," Lloyd announced after they had had supper, done their laundry, and bathed. There were murmurs of general assent and the party was split up as usual: Kratos & Lloyd, Raine & Genis, & Colette by herself. Unfortunately, this practice was rendered useless as there was only one room with two beds. Kratos monopolized one and Raine seized the other. Halfway through the night, though, a certain person's snoring got him chucked out a window and into a pile of air, which didn't break his fall, and he was covered in boo-boos.

So, the next day, the party continued along the road, passing forests and encountering giant ladybugs, as well as the kid and his dragon again.

"But, Legna, I don't want to rebel against the gods…" he whined.

"Shut up, Nowe, and just do it!" the dragon snapped.

"Wahhh!" the kid burst into tears as Legna rolled his eyes and flew off. Deciding to strategically overlook this, the group continued on their way to the next town, finally reaching it.

"'WeLcOmE tO LuIn'," Raine read from a signpost as they crossed a crappy, wooden, rail-less bridge into town (which Genis promptly fell off of in his attempts to save himself from drowning).

"No, no, Genis! That's just your reflection!" Colette tried to tell him as she pulled him back.

"NOOOOO! 'm duhrunin'!" he shouted, flailing at the water and straining against Colette. Lloyd and Raine rolled their eyes, but Kratos had, somehow, managed to disappear.

The purple-clad mercenary strolled cheerfully through the streets of Luin, humming his theme, when he, suddenly, came to an area with a fountain in it. Near said fountain, Sheena was surrounded by kids.

"Okay, okay…I'll be it this time…" she told them as he came into earshot.

"Yay! Everybody hide!" one of them shouted before they ran off and did just that. Sheena suddenly noticed the mercenary looking at her.

"Wh…what are you looking at?!" she demanded, flustered.

"I was just thinking how cute you look, hunny," he replied with a wink.

"You've gotta be kidding me!" she said, blushing further and clenching her fists at her sides. "Don't think saying stuff like this is going to change anything! You're still my enemy!"

"But…" she ran off before he could finish. He sighed and sagged forward, letting his arms hang. "Always on the move…"

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**Oh, man, this chapter was funny. Still don't own any of the stuff I referenced to/ripped off, but I love putting them through some of this. Remember to review and the poll for Lloyd's soul mate is still open, by the way.**


	12. Chapter 11

**This chapter is rated for pervertedness and weirdness, but it's still kinda funny anyway. Don't own anything I ripped off or referenced to.**

* * *

**Chapter 11: Asgard, Raine, and Kratos**

Seeing as Luin was not Asgard, the party stayed at the inn that night and resolved to head back to the house of salvation, the next day, to ask for directions.

"We should have done that in the first place!" barked Raine superiorly. Lloyd, who didn't feel like getting hit at the moment, bit back his retort.

So they did head back, and were soon informed that Asgard wasn't too far from the house of Salvation. And Lloyd did swear, and the party did head there the following day. Finally, they came to the city of ruins after about an hour's walk from the house of salvation.

"RUINS!" Raine screamed as they entered, dashing by many flabbergasted tourists and up a distant set of long stairs.

"Oh, great…" Lloyd muttered.

"Let's after her, without delay!" Kratos shouted, pointing heroically, before running off after her.

"Why does Mr. Aurion act like that?" Colette tilted her head at Lloyd.

"I am at a loss for that, myself,"

They found Raine frantically examining a giant, stone dais/tablet at the top of the hill.

"Oh, it's the Asgard Ruins!" she said happily, practically making out with the dais. "Genis! State the historical background of this ruin,"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…" he drooled.

"It's the temple where Cleo III held a ritual to offer a sacrifice to the Summon Spirit of Wing, in order to quell a storm, which had raged for a week," Lloyd recited.

"Dat it," Genis added.

"Gah!" Raine broadsided him with her staff, knocking him back to veggie-land. "Have you learned anything at all these past years?!" He gave a faint gurgling noise in reply. "Never mind!" she went back to hugging the dais. "What perfect form!" she declared, stroking it with her fingers. "This delicate curve is said to express the flight of the Summon Spirit of Wind through the sky. In addition, it is said that this stone is infused with a large volume of mana, and, at night…" Lloyd started to sneak off at this point, before she started doing the dais or something.

"She must've had something hot happen at a ruin in her past…" Kratos drooled, staring at her, as Lloyd passed by. Creeped out, he walked around to the back of the ruins for no reason in particular. He saw some dude in a vest and bandanna holding a big, black sphere with a wick coming out the top.

"Listen, Linar!" he was saying to some dude who had a serious scalp problem. "This is my invention, the 'breaker'. If we use this bomb, we can easily destroy this confounded dais, as well as cracked walls and walls that make a different sound when you hit them with your sword,"

"But, Harley…" Linar objected meekly, scratching his scalp vigorously, causing dandruff to shower the area around him. "This is a rare and valuable remnant of the Balacruf Dynasty. We can't destroy it,"

"What are you talking about?" Harley said menacingly. "As things stand now, your totally hot sister may be killed!"

"Why are you present at this location?" Lloyd asked, making the two jump.

"Who are you?!" Harley demanded.

"It's not what you think!" LInar shouted, scratching his head nervously. "We weren't trying to destroy the ruin at all!" The words 'destroy' and 'ruin' in the same sentence made Raine, immediately, think of the word 'battery'.

_Battery: an assault in which the assailant makes physical contact_

Quick as a flash, she jumped onto the dais, pulling her poncho and bra back on, much to Kratos's disappointment, and ran over to totally own the two lamers.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?! YOU CALL YOURSELVES HUMAN BEINGS?!" she gave them several kicks to the stomach and groin, reducing them to writhing heaps on the ground.

"I'm…a half-elf…" Harley groaned angrily.

"WHAT HAS THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!" she barked, somehow shooting fire out of her nose and then kicking him in the face. "YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS RUIN!" The others, however, noticed that the wick on the bomb, which Harley had dropped during the beating.

"Uh-oh…" Harley, Linar, and Lloyd said as one, earning a roundhouse kick that, somehow, hit them all upside the face.

"You say you're going to destroy this fabulous ruin?" she continued, oblivious. "Now, listen, during the final era of the Balacruf Dynasty, this ruin was…"

"Professor…" Lloyd tried. WHACK!

"If you have any questions, I'll take them after the lecture," she snapped.

"The bomb's lit," Lloyd said quickly. BONK!

"I said, I'll take them la-FRICKIN' CRAP!" she jumped away from the bomb.

"Woman! You lit the wick!" Harley shouted, getting up. He got a judo kick to the stomach for that.

"Don't try to blame someone else!" she shouted, tossing the bomb to Lloyd.

"Ahh!" he chucked to Linar, who, even though he was scratching his head, hit it to Harley, who threw it back to Raine who threw it at Lloyd, who, finally licked his fingers and put out the wick. "Problem resolved…"

Meanwhile, at the front of the ruin…

"Mr. Aurion? Why was the Professor taking her clothes off and putting her mouth on the ruin like that?" Colette asked innocently.

"Well, my angel, when someone gets older, they get hormonal urges and there are many ways to-" Kratos began, only to be interrupted by some old dude that ran up with his two thuggish henchmen/bouncer/servants.

"Get the hell out of here!" the guy yelled, magically making Genis, Colette, and Kratos fly to the bottom of the stairs and land, flashing red. He looked over at Lloyd, Raine. Harley, and Linar. "You there! Trespassing in this area is forbidden!"

"Oh, no, it's the Mayor!" Linar exclaimed.

"Uh-oh. Cheese it!" Harley shouted before he and Linar ran off like wussys. Lloyd and Raine suddenly flew down the stairs too and landed, flashing red.

"I wanted to study it more…" Raine sighed, getting up as the flashing stopped.

"Yeah, me too…" Kratos said pervertedly.

"Who were those two?" Lloyd asked Raine, chucking a tomato, from their food bag, at Kratos. He screamed and dove behind a signpost, hissing and spitting.

"It burns! It freezes! We hates it, oh, yes we does!" he screamed in an odd voice. The others stared at him for a few minutes before deciding not to say anything.

"So who were those two?" Lloyd repeated to the group at large.

"I wonder why they wanted to destroy the ruin?" Colette asked.

"Yes, the ruin!" Raine said semi-crazily. "We have to stop them from engaging in such foolish acts like trying to destroy a ruin. Let's go, Lloyd!" she rushed off in the direction she'd seen the two morons flee earlier. With a shrug and sigh, Lloyd trudged off after her.

By some means best not too closely examined, they tracked Linar and Harley to the former's sister's house.

"You're those tourists from earlier!" Harley snapped upon their entry, hurting a sunflower with a large piece of taffy.

"I am a scholar," Raine corrected him.

"Whatever. Get the hell out!" he pointed at the door.

"Harley, stop it. This is my house," Aisha, Linar's sister, came downstairs and hit Harley upside the head with a picture of Desian 1000. She turned to the group, which included a heavily salivating Kratos. "I understand that you were the ones that stopped Harley and my brother. Thank you,"

"I'm not certain that 'stopped' is the proper terminology…" Lloyd muttered.

"They got in our way," Harley said, rubbing his head.

"It doesn't matter what you call it!" she hit him again. "The point is, the people of this city are the ones that would suffer if that ruin was destroyed,"

"But, as things are now, you're going to be sacrificed!" Harley objected.

"Sacrificed?" Lloyd repeated.

"Sacrificed?!" Kratos demanded.

"It's a ritual where you do some dance for the Summon Spirit of Wind," Linar explained, coming out of the bathroom with an empty bottle of shampoo, scratching his head and making a shower of dandruff.

"This idiot with the horrible scalp started messing with the dais for 'research' and opened a seal on some monster that was poorly conceived and makes no sense. It likes to force people to play Poker with it until they're in massive debt,"

"The seal? Do you mean?" Raine exclaimed as Colette asked,

"What?! The seal?"

"Yes!" Linar said, making the surrounding furniture look very dusty. "If you, too, are researching the Balacruf ruins, then you must be aware of the altar erected in praise of the Summon Spirit of Wind. The seal really existed, just as the legend said!"

"Are you saying that the Balacruf Pillar hieroglyphics are not just a myth?!" Raine was very excited to meet someone she could talk about ruins with. Colette just looked puzzled.

"This isn't the seal we're looking for," Lloyd said, waving his hand around for no reason. "Professor, have you forgotten why we're on this journey?" WHACK!

"Well, it's not totally out of the way or anything. It's cool," Kratos said with a dismissive air.

"Yes! In the back of the platform there is a small indentation, and-" Linar plowed on, as though there had been no interruption.

"Shut up!" Harley gave Linar a wedgie and shoved him onto the floor. "Aisha's about to be sacrificed to the Summon Spirit in a couple of hours! Get the hell outta here!" They suddenly flew out the door and landed painfully on the dirty ground below, flashing red.

"In what way do they make this phenomenon occur?" Lloyd grumbled, getting up.

"I dunno," Kratos muttered, brushing off his coat and pants. Raine, however, was already charging off back to the dais; obviously forgetting the mayor's ability to make her fly out and flash red.

"You're the ones that went up on the dais," the old mayor observed as they stopped in front of him, halfway up the stairs.

"I am a scholar," Raine explained. "May I, please, have your permission to study this ruin?"

"Nobody sees the ruin!" the mayor barked as his muscular companions cracked their knuckles threateningly. "Not nobody, not no how!"

"What are you talking about?" Raine cocked her head with a furrowed brow.

"If you want to know, ask Linar," the mayor said stubbornly.

"We've already heard about the sacrifice,"

"Then you should understand," the mayor said flatly. "Only the dancer may go to the ruin,"

"Then I'm hijacking the role," Raine declared. "Then I can go up there, yes?"

"Professor!" Lloyd objected. BONK!

"This may be the next seal we're looking for," she hissed.

"I see…that's our Professor!" Colette replied cheerfully.

"You just want to study the ruin firsthand…" Lloyd muttered. KA-WHACK!

"Y' shou' le'r' n't ta ta'k bad 'bout Rainee," Genis reprimanded him quietly.

"Whatever," the mayor shrugged. "Come, boys," the walked off in an imposing manner.

So the group headed back to Aisha's place and told her of the ritual hijacking.

"It's not right for you to take my place…" Aisha muttered, not exactly stopping Raine or anything.

"There's nothing to worry about," Raine assured her, relieving her of the possession of an acolyte outfit, which was better than her regular outfit, and a goofy hat that matched.

"Rainee, y' sure ya gonna be ok'y?" Genis asked.

"I'll be fine…" she said absently. "Now, everyone out! I need to change!" they all, including Aisha herself, flew out of Aisha's room and landed downstairs, flashing red. After a while, though, it seemed that the outfit took a little longer to don than one would think.

"Hey, where's Mr. Aurion?" Colette asked. The others looked around.

"Oh, man, he's run off again…" Lloyd commented.

By means known only to him, Kratos had gotten up on the side of the house and was outside the bedroom window, watching Raine change. Just as she was removing her bra for some odd reason, she suddenly noticed him.

"Uh…hi?" he said nervously as flame shot from her nostrils. "Can you just pretend I'm not here?"

"What's going on up there?" Aisha shouted as there were sounds of monkeys screeching, many head-on collisions, ten-pin strikes, and the screams of a wussy and of an enraged lioness.

"I believe the Professor has discovered the location Kratos vanished to…" Lloyd said with his face in his hand.

The group was gathered around the dais, some time later, as Raine ascended to do the dance. Kratos, miraculously, had managed to heal most of his wounds, though his clothes would need to be patched up in the near future.

"Isn't she so much prettier in that outfit?" he sighed to Lloyd and Colette as she walked around and tapped the ruin with her staff.

"Um…I guess," Colette replied.

"How does this qualify as a dance?" Lloyd wondered aloud, to himself, mostly; ignoring the mercenary. Suddenly, Raine fell to her knees in the middle of the dais's glyph and a giant monster with a bladed pendulum for legs appeared, holding itself aloft with a miniature cyclone.

"I have come to play Poker!" it shouted, pulling out a deck of cards.

"Bring it, axe-butt!" Raine challenged it, dealing out the cards.

"Oh, it on now, old lady!" Windmaster yelled. Time temporarily froze as this sank in with everybody. Insulting Raine Sage was something that even Martel would hesitate to do.

"OLD…LADY?!" Raine said slowly as time came back on.

"W-Well, your hair is silver, s-so I just assumed…" Windmaster stammered.

"FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I AM TWENTY-THREE!" she bellowed, grabbing it by the axe/legs/whatever and slamming it against the ground repeatedly.

"I'm sorry!" Windmaster begged as his face was smashed into Raine's knee several times, making blood fly everywhere. "Please! Have mercy!"

"Oh, how he doesn't know my rose…" Kratos muttered as Raine kung fu kicked him into the air. "But she's so sexy when she's homicidal…" Lloyd gave him an odd look.

"_O BRILLIANCE, SHOW YOUR WRATH!_ PHOTON!" she screeched, blowing Windmaster into mana particles/vapor/whatever. A stone tablet fell down and she caught it deftly. Looking to the sky dramatically, she started to cry as rain fell down on the dais. "Abbas , EGO exsequor vos…" The storm passed as quickly as it had come and the tears vanished instantly as Raine stepped down to greet her new fans. A few people looked around, confused at the odd weather.

"Fantastic! You're fantastic, Raine!" Linar exclaimed. Raine gave a short laugh.

"It was hardly a challenging opponent," she replied arrogantly. "Now, more importantly…" she held up the tablet. "About this stone tablet. It has ancient Balacruf writing inscribed on it,"

"Let's decipher it right away!" Linar said excitedly. "I have a Sylvarantian-Balacrufian dictionary at home,"

"Yes, let's go!" Raine grabbed his arm and they ran off.

"_She_ is why I'm scared of women…" Lloyd muttered.

"Um…thank you very much," Aisha commented. Lloyd jumped back a few paces with a cry of surprise.

"That thing wasn't the Summon Spirit of Wind," Harley kicked the dais. "RIP-OFF!"

"I be' Rainee 'n Linee'll fin' ou' wha' i' realuh weres," Genis stated.

"Yeah," Harley agreed. "That psycho $%^ is a half-elf, after all. You can count on her wisdom,"

"NOES!" Genis screamed. "We's is elfes! We's is elfes!"

"What? I wouldn't mistake my own-" Harley began, stopping when he saw Genis starting to have an emo moment as the mayor and his intimidating bodyguard/bouncer/servants stared at him. "Actually, I'm stupid, O so stupid. I'm so stupid and stupid and dumb!" he pranced off somewhere in a goofy fashion.

"We should get some rest," Lloyd said, putting a hand on Genis's shoulder. "I am fatigued," He turned to Kratos, who was in the middle of talking to and charming Aisha. "Let's go," Kratos ignored him and kept talking. "Tomato!" Lloyd shouted. Kratos ran off for the inn, screaming like a little girl.

"Well, I'm going out to train now," Kratos said obviously, stretching, after they had checked into the semi-cheap inn.

"May I join you?" Lloyd asked. Kratos visibly flinched and stopped in the doorway.

"Sure, bud," he said, turning around with a forced smile.

The next morning, Lloyd caught Kratos climbing back in the window of their room.

"Where have you been?" he yawned, sitting up. "You disappeared after our sparring match, last night,"

"Uh…just decided to take a walk," Kratos said, shutting the window behind him.

"Uh-huh…" Lloyd said skeptically, noting that the aging hipster's pants were on backwards, as was his shirt, not to mention the fact that he smelled a little musky.

"Well, you go get everyone else up, I'm gonna take my morning bath now," he quickly shut himself in the washroom.

"Ugh…I don't wanna know…" Lloyd left the room.

"It looks like the Professor hasn't come back yet," Colette observed as they all assembled in the lobby.

"Seriously?" Lloyd asked.

"She doin' r's'r'ch wit' Linee," Genis interjected. "Let go get 'er,"

"Very well…" Lloyd agreed, leading them out of the inn.

"Uh-_huh_…'_research_'…" Kratos muttered.

Upon their arrival at Aisha's house, they found the door to be locked. After rapping on it for a good ten minutes, Linar finally opened it, looking like he'd just been run through a blender and then redressed in a hurry.

"Good morning! It is a glorious day, is it not?" he said, prancing away from the door like a ballerina to let them in.

"It smells funny in here…" Colette observed.

"Well, Linar, where's Raine?" Kratos interrupted hastily. As if in reply, she came out of the bathroom in her acolyte outfit.

"Good timing," she said pompously, drying her hair with a towel. "I just finished deciphering it,"

"So _that's _what we're calling it now…" Kratos muttered to himself.

"The Professor is amazing!" Linar exclaimed, happily throwing together a hearty breakfast of heart-shaped pancakes and orange juice. "She deciphered the complex Balacruf writing in no time at all!"

"Rainee jus' got a 'nother fan," Genis commented obliviously.

"She's quite the catch, huh?" Lloyd added, knowing that Genis wouldn't get the hint.

"Uh-huh!" Genis and Kratos both said. Raine sent them both spinning out with a roundhouse kick that managed to hit both of them in the face.

"It appears that the monster was the cause of the calamity that afflicted the ancient Balacruf Empire," Raine explained, acting as though the jests and kicking hadn't occurred.

"The summoner at the time used Sylph, the Summon Spirit of Wind, to seal is away and built the dais to keep it too squished to move," Linar added. How he got to interrupt Raine without getting smacked was an anomaly.

"Just in case the Poker monster got out again, he left this tablet so that people could find an obvious tomb to the northeast of here," Raine continued.

"For some reason, people got stupid after a while and thought Sylph was sealed in the dais, or forgot that Sylph was the summon, not the thing with a pendulum-axe for legs," Linar concluded, his scalp actually okay now. Creepy…

"So you know where Sylph is, then," Lloyd said.

"Of course, ignorant student. It's in the next seal," Raine replied arrogantly.

"Now we can finally regenerate the world!" Colette shouted happily.

"Well, the angel has spoken! Hunnies, away!" Kratos declared, pointing heroically at the ceiling, before blowing Aisha a kiss and running out.

"I thought I heard something in her room last night…" Raine concluded from this and the fact that Aisha blushed more than was due from it. "COME BACK HERE YOU $%$ !" She charged out after him, leaving the other three in her dust.

"What's a $%% ?" Colette tilted her head at Lloyd.

"It's a…never mind," Lloyd sighed. "Let's just go…"

So began the long trek to the wind seal…

* * *

**Lloyd: Why must Kratos be so lecherous?**

**N2D: 'Cause that's what he does, Irving.**

**Lloyd: And now _Raine_'s-**

**N2D: I never directly said that anybody did anything. You just looked at the implications, kid.**

**Lloyd: Grr...**

**N2D: Anyway, Sheena's in the next chapter!**

**Kratos: Yay!**

**N2D: Remember to review and that Lloyd's soul mate's poll is open still. **


	13. Chapter 12

**Here we are again with more weird and random stuff. Cursing warnings and so on. Still don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 12: Indiana Kratos and the Mausoleum of Balacruf**

A day and a half later, the party finally came to the big, obvious tomb, which was built amongst some mountains to the northeast of Asgard.

"RUINS!" Raine immediately latched onto the nearest pillar as they entered the vicinity, causing the fat guy, his dog, the guy with the pack, and the old lady to all stare at her. The party did their best to ignore her and went up to the entrance of the mausoleum.

"OFFER THE MAP!" Raine screamed, charging up to the altar, which was in front of the door, and sending the others flying like bowling pins. A big, red X popped up over her for no reason after she did this. The altar suddenly slid open to reveal a slot as she drew near.

"It appears to be responding to the map," Lloyd observed, getting up and rubbing his injuries. Colette took the map from the Professor, who was now chattering like a chipmunk with excitement, and put it in the slot. Kratos, picking up the innuendo in his perverted mind (if there was one) started chuckling as an oracle stone appeared in front of the altar.

"It a or'cl' sto'!" Genis exclaimed.

"Just as we thought, this is a seal," Lloyd added.

"Okay then, I'm going to put my hand on it…" Colette said, doing so and making the door open.

"Let us hasten to complete this task," Lloyd commented as they went inside.

"Oh! This is pretty cool! I feel like an explorer!" Kratos said excitedly as they entered the main room. Donning a brown hat and brandishing a whip, he climbed up on a soap box that happened to be nearby and held his fist up, clenching the whip in it. "Call me Indiana Kratos!" The theme from Raiders of the Lost Ark started to play from nowhere. "Now, let us go through this temple of doom!" He jumped off the box, only to be caught by a wayward wind current that was blowing through the hallway for Martel knows why. "AHHHHHH!" he went flying down the hallway and smashed into a wall. The others followed slowly to see if he was alive. "Ow…" he muttered, prone on the floor, as a skeleton with a very odd sword poked him. "Ahh!" he jumped up and kicked it in the crotch, somehow making it fall over in pain. Spotting the others, he straightened his hat and said, "Not to worry, Indiana Kratos meant to do that!" He went running back off down the hall. "This way, my hunnies!" BAM! Some spikes shot up out of the floor and sent him flying backwards. He landed with a loud honking sound, face first, on the stone floor.

"Kratos, mayhap Raine should…" Lloyd began, stopping when he saw her making out with a pillar. "Mayhap I should lead us through here,"

"Now, now, bud," Kratos smiled patronizingly and shook his head. "One day you'll be a master spelunker like Indiana Kratos, but you're still a noob right now…" He took off down the other hall and, almost immediately, there was a loud scream and a sickening crunching sound. They (except for Raine) rushed into the hallway, a bit more cautiously, to find the mercenary lying on the floor with a bunch of bloody holes in him. "I'm fine! I'm fine!" he declared, standing up, only to be smashed again by two spiky plunger things that came out of the walls. "AHHHH!" They receded again and he fell down, groaning.

"Are you okay, Mr. Aurion?" Colette called.

"DO I LOOK OKAY?!" he screamed, crawling back to the group. "Does anyone know First Aid?"

"Wewl, dere Rainee…" Genis suggested. A quick glance at her was a good indication that she would be no help.

"Well…" Kratos muttered. "I guess this is the end…" 'On the hill the night' began to play as he grabbed a random flower out of a nearby vase and held it to his chest. "They say the pretty ones die young…I guess it was true…"

"No!" Colette fell down and started crying next to him.

"Dammit, Kratos, cease this act of false death!" Lloyd demanded. Genis began to wail.

"Maybe we'll meet again, my sweet angel," Kratos stroked Colette's face and then reached for the ceiling. "Farewell, my comrades!" His arm flopped to the floor.

"KRATOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Lloyd screamed. They stared at him for a while, when he suddenly stirred.

"Oh, who am I kidding? I won't let me die! HEALING STREAM!" he shouted, making a bunch of water come out of the ground and heal him. "Whew! That was close!" he got up and wiped his forehead.

"YOU…STUPID…JERK!" Lloyd roared, smacking him upside the head with full force.

"Not the face!" he objected.

"HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?! WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!"

"I thought I was!" Kratos objected. "But, when I noticed I wasn't dying, I just healed myself," WHACK!

"That's enough goofing off!" Raine was finally back in the party. "Let's crawl under these spike traps and get to the seal, already!"

"I will never take anything you say seriously, again," Lloyd grumbled.

"That was seriously harsh, bud…" Kratos muttered as they crawled off down the hall.

"Glad that's over…" Kratos sighed. "Now…" he pointed heroically at the ceiling. "Follow me to the seal, hunnies!" he walked off up the nearby stairs, somehow knocking a gargoyle into the nearby abyss with his whip.

"Why is an abyss present in a sepulcher?" Lloyd wondered aloud.

"The wind tribe liked to…" Raine began, continuing on for quite a while.

"Whoa!" Kratos jumped back as a spiked plunger thing tried to knock him into the abyss of questionable origin and purpose. He then laughed and pointed dramatically at it. "Foolish trap! You thought you would harm the great Indiana Kratos, but you were mistaken! OW!" An anvil suddenly fell on his foot. As he hopped around, cursing, Colette borrowed Raine's dictionary and attempted to look up what he was saying. Lloyd sighed and went over to a big, red button with a big, flashing sign over it that read 'Trap Off'. One push and the plunger stopped, allowing them to proceed to a closed door. "I'll handle this!" Kratos declared, banging the door with his sword repeatedly. Lloyd, Genis, and Raine decided to leave him to it and went down the nearby stairs, quickly discovering yet another stone cauldron that, somehow, changed what the Sorcerer's Ring did. Lloyd activated it and the ring began to jump around.

"The Sorcerer's Ring is behaving strangely," he observed. Just then, it blasted his face with a huge gust of wind, making his hair get stuck straight back.

"I gue' it make win'," Genis suggested.

"I've got it!" Kratos sang from above, interrupting them. They went back up to see.

"You're so cool, Mr. Aurion!" Colette said happily. Apparently, she was either really forgetful or really forgiving.

"Yep! Just leave it to Indiana Kratos!" he made the peace sign at Lloyd, Genis, and Raine and winked. All three sweatdropped. As it had turned out, he had created so many sparks from attacking the door that it had lit the torches next to it, but he wasn't about to mention that.

Meanwhile, out front, Sheena came running up to the entrance. Noishe, right on cue, jumped out of some unspecified place, smelling of popcorn and nachos, and growled at her. Due to her fear of big, green dogs, Sheena stopped and called,

"Corrine!" the weird fox thing appeared and smacked Noishe across the face, making him fall down and start crying.

"Oh, yeah! Payback a $% !" Sheena ran by as Noishe smacked Corrine back all of a sudden. "Oh, it on now, doggy! It on!" And so Those Who Accept the Protection of the Stars began to play as the two began to demolish the stuff outside the mausoleum, making the random tourists and spotted dog run, screaming.

For some retarded or unorthodox, to employ a euphemism, there was another locked door in the next room and the only way to open it was…

"Perhaps we spin the fans?" Lloyd suggested as Kratos thought hard.

"Don't tell me! I'll get it! I'm Indiana Kratos, after all!" guess who demanded, holding his hand to Lloyd. The mercenary looked around the room, tapping walls with his sword. "Hmm…maybe there's some secret switch or something…"

"Ye', mayb' Kratee hav' a poi'," Genis agreed, also tapping walls with his kendama.

"You're both being ignorant," Raine stated pompously, not actually helping any herself. Lloyd sighed.

"Oh, Martel, why do I have to be with them?" he tried activating the fans, but nothing happened.

"Perhaps there is a specific order," Raine commented. "I saw some plaques outside…"

"Of course!" Kratos finally declared. "It's so rudimentary! We must read the stone plaques scattered around the ruins and then activate the fans in the proper order! I'm so brilliant!" BONG! BONK! Lloyd and Raine both smacked him upside the head with such force that he flew across the room and smashed into a wall, KO'd. They, then, went to examining the fans for a pattern of activation while Genis and Colette checked up on the injured hipster.

"Oh, you're so nice, Colette…" he muttered, smiling. "I feel dirty in comparison by just being in your angelic presence,"

"Uh, thanks…" she blushed.

"I think that's it," Lloyd announced. "Let's try: red, green, yellow, white, blue," A nearby wall collapsed and an Earth Element jumped out. Luckily, Raine flattened it with a Photon. "Hmm…" He and Raine went back to observation.

Meanwhile, Sheena had finally stopped for a coffee break, as the traps were harder to dodge than one would suspect.

"Geez, this place is so friggin' complicated…" she muttered, taking a drink from her thermos.

"I've got it!" Raine announced suddenly. "Lloyd: blue, red, yellow, white, green!"

"All right…" he activated the fans in this order and…another wall collapsed and a skeleton jumped out, intent on avenging its comrade. Raine gave it a Photon to the crotch and killed it.

"Ooh, ooh! I know!" Kratos had finally healed himself, yet again, and jumped up. "Try red, yellow, green, white, blue!"

"Why not?" Lloyd sighed, doing so. The steel door gave a click.

"Oh, yeah! That's Indiana Kratos for ya!" he jumped in the air and cracked his whip in celebration as Raine poked the door and, for some reason, it slid into its frame.

Corrine and Noishe stood atop broken pillars of stone and stared each other down as the wind blew by dramatically.

"Your power is great, but sometimes it's the smartest fighter who wins, not the strongest," Corrine taunted. Noishe gave a bark in reply.

"Take this! Esfera de final condenar!" the fox thing fired a massive sphere of blue energy from its mouth and it headed for Noishe. With a mighty bark, the words 'Último Colmillo de Justicia' appeared over the dog's head and a giant, green K-9 tooth of pure energy flew to meet Corrine's attack. The two attacks met with a mighty sonic boom and lightning shot everywhere as they attempted to override one another.

"This will be your end!" Corrine declared.

"Woof! (Howl)!" Noishe replied boldly.

"At last, we have reached the altar," Lloyd commented as they came out on the roof of the mausoleum, conveniently failing to notice the giant clash of the two poorly-conceived animal-like characters.

"You have no patience, bud," Kratos said with a sly grin.

"Shut it, Kratos!" Lloyd retorted, making him pout.

"Wai…I sen'…big mahmah!" Genis whined as a giant tornado shot out of the seal for no reason and some giant bird thing jumped out.

"I'll handle this!" Kratos attempted to hit the thing with his whip but it shot feathers at him and cut the whip in half. "Uh…gotta go!" He jumped behind the altar and let the thing beat up on Lloyd while Raine hit it with repeated Photon castings. "This thing cost me 2,000 Gald…" he sniffled. "How dare that thing…"

"OMEGA TEMPEST!" Lloyd defied physics by spinning into the monster continuously for about fifteen seconds.

"GWAVE!" Genis managed to cast his mighty, level two, earth spell. Unfortunately, it hit Colette as she was attempting to charge up her Angel Feathers tech.

"I can't concentrate!" she complained.

"That's it! This is it, Kratos! This is the moment you've been training for!" Kratos muttered, standing up and walking slowly towards the monster as it bombarded the others with feathers. "I will avenge my expensive whip!" He pointed his sword at the monster. "You will hurt no one!" He started to scream as a gold aura surged around his body and his hair grew to his waist, turning golden. His eyes turned green and his sword suddenly got a foot longer. "It is time for your end! Último razonamiento , mandar aquí el furia qué nosotros así largo aquí seria! Final Barreno!" A giant beam of light shot out of his sword and the monster was annihilated. With a sigh, Kratos suddenly went back to normal and fainted. Unfortunately, the others had been knocked temporarily unconscious by the Iapyx, so they just thought that Kratos had fainted and didn't know or care where the monster had went.

"Hello, you have reached Remiel," Remiel's voice said from the altar. "I'm not at home right now, so offer your prayers of regeneration and I'll get back to you," So Colette did so and flew up into midair with her wings. "Please receive new angel powers and 'Holy Song' tech, which will be spammed in battles to come," Iridescent light shot into Colette.

"He's just not trying anymore…" Kratos muttered, having miraculously recovered in a matter of seconds.

"Congrats on reaching the third seal," the recording continued. A clip of canned applause was heard. "The next seal is still in a tower that looks at another tower," There was a beep.

"I wonduh h'w manuh seauhs dere is lef'?" Genis pondered aloud.

"That, we don't know," Raine replied.

"Well, all we can do is keep goin', hunnies," Kratos said, putting away his brown hat. So they headed down the stairs and started backtracking through the ruins.

"It's done," Corrine said as Noishe glared at him.

"Woof?"

"Your power is decreasing with every blow. It wouldn't be fair for me to keep fighting you," Corrine replied. "Live with the shock, keep it bottled up inside you," With that, the fox vanished in a puff of smoke. Noishe howled at the heavens as it started to rain and 'Why' started to play.

The group was almost out when they happened to pass the stairs where Sheena was still taking a coffee break.

"Not so fast!" she shouted, putting away her thermos and jumping up. The party started walking a little slower. Sheena sweatdropped. "Maybe you should just stop entirely…"

"Very well," Lloyd replied as they did so.

"The day has finally come," Sheena said dramatically, getting up on a soap box that she had moved from near the entrance. "This ancient ruin shall be your graveyard…"

"Oh, you're here, too!" Colette said happily, skipping forward and acting, once again, like Sheena was a fluffy doggie to hug.

"S…Stay back!" Sheena stammered, taking a step back and pulling out a 7, 8, 9, 10, Jack, and Ace of hearts. "Don't move! Don't touch anything!"

"Now that we've become friends, why do we have to fight?" Colette pouted, leaning on a hidden switch by accident and making an anvil narrowly miss Sheena.

"Since when are we?" Sheena exclaimed, resembling a tomato in redness. "I have no intention of befriending you! Prepare yourselves!"

"Get ready," Lloyd said before Sheena kicked Colette into the group and they all fell down like bowling pins. Two big, red X's appeared over them.

"Everyone's counting on me!" she rushed forward and attempted to give Kratos a hell of a papercut as he got up. She, predictably, tripped on a loose stone in the floor, though, and fell on top of him.

"Heya, hun," Kratos winked. "You didn't have to pick a fight to spend time with me,"

"Um…um…AHH!" the inept ninja jumped off of him and siccing some giant thing, with a big-nosed guy on its decorative ring, on them.

"What the hell is that thing?!" Lloyd shouted as it sent Kratos spinning away into a wall and charged at him.

"Thy faithful servant asketh for thy blessing, honor us with the splendor of thy song. HOLY SONG!" Colette make a ring of pink feathers fly out of her and, for some odd reason, it make everyone else make trails of pink feathers when they moved and, also, make them stronger and more durable for no visible reason. Lloyd took the opportunity to beat the weird floating thing and Raine went ahead and gave Sheena a judo kick to the face.

"ARRGH! Why can't I win!" Sheena shouted, getting up like she hadn't just taken a beating.

"Goo'ne' 'n love'll al'wa' win!" Genis shouted, raising his hand as though voting.

"Genis, please refrain from mentioning that insipid Dwarven Vow!" Lloyd snapped.

"'Goodness'?! What do you mean, 'goodness'?!" Sheena demanded.

"Well, the standard definition of the word is-" Raine began.

"If you're good, I'm good too!" Sheena interrupted.

"Everyone, cease the verbalization of unpleasant phrases!" Lloyd barked.

"When you regenerate the world, my country will be destroyed!" Sheena shouted almost hysterically. "I won't let that happen…I swear!"

"Wait, what are you talking about?" Colette said uncertainly. "If I regenerate the world, everyone will be saved…right?"

"This world will be!" Sheena yelled cryptically before jumping out a conveniently-placed window.

"Stop! Who are you?! So you're not alone?!" Raine called after her.

"Raine, don't you remember? She's Sheena Fujibayashi. She's been trying to kill my angel since the Ossa Trail, but she keeps getting thwarted by cats and her own wonky personality. Although-" CRACK! Out cold was Kratos, except that he seemed to be quick at recovering, so he was back up in a few seconds.

"This world? What does that imply?" Lloyd wondered aloud.

"That girl…is she…" Kratos muttered, actually looking slightly troubled for once.

"Y' know 'er?" Genis asked as the party looked at the mercenary.

"Uh, n-no! Why would I know such a hottie when I get no time with her!" Kratos said quickly before turning and announcing loudly. "Let's get going, hunnies!" The others looked at each other as he ran out and followed.

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**Man, if Kratos gets any wierder...anyway be sure to review and hit the poll if you haven't already.**


	14. Chapter 13

**This chapter has quite a bit of serious stuff, but I still attempted to add humor, so it's not too bad. Still own nothing.**

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**Chapter 13: The Desians Strike Back**

Some way or another, the countryside had, at some point, by some means, been restored after the earlier duel between Noishe and Corrine had ended. As Kratos, Genis, Raine, Lloyd, and Colette trooped out, Colette suddenly started to fall backwards. Being right behind her, Lloyd quickly caught her in mid-fall.

"Colette!" he exclaimed.

"It's the Angel Toxicosis again," Raine stated, not really sounding too worried. "Let's hurry and let her rest,"

"Are you all right?" Lloyd muttered.

"I'm sorry to trouble everybody again…" Colette sighed.

"Do not fret over that, but-" Lloyd was cut off as Colette attempted to stand back up but fell forward, somehow making him lose balance and fall too. "Owww…" he muttered.

"Wh't're ya doin' Lloy'?!" Genis shouted, crouching next to her. "You okay, Colee?" he added, switching to speaking softly instantly. She stared over his shoulder blankly, for a moment or two. "Colee? Wha' wrongee? Di' i' hur'?"

"N…no," she stammered, her eyes unglazing, "I just blanked out for a moment,"

"…" Lloyd muttered to himself.

So the party set up camp outside a trap-filled tomb that was sure to be haunted. Really smart idea, guys.

"How in Sylvarant did you get so messed up, boy?" Kratos muttered to Noishe as he tended his wounds with his patented First Aid magic. The green dog-thing just whined some more.

"Colette, allow me to examine your hand," Lloyd said on the other side of the campsite.

"Huh? Why?" Colette asked, slightly nervously.

"Merely allow me!" he snapped. Slightly taken aback at his sudden anger, she held up her hand, which was bleeding obviously and dripping onto the ground. It had been pretty obvious by the bloodstains where she'd fallen earlier. Of course, most of the party wasn't very observant.

"This looks nice!" Raine exclaimed, grabbing a bottle that read, very clearly, 'Poisonous Pollen, not to be confused with sugar' and had many skull and crossbones stickers on it. Fortunately, Genis managed to stop her from adding it to the stew by pointing this out to her.

"You're injured, just as I expected! Observe the copious blood loss!" Lloyd exclaimed, squeezing the hand for emphasis. Colette stepped away at this declaration.

"But it doesn't hurt," she replied.

"Come again?"

"Uh, I mean, it doesn't hurt that much," Evasiveness, thy name is Colette. Lloyd took a step towards the remote area of the enclosure.

"Colette, may I converse with you momentarily?"

Lloyd managed to whip up two cups of coffee, despite the fact that no one sold coffee anywhere, in a few seconds and brought it over to the conversation.

"What is it, Lloyd?" Colette asked.

"I thought it'd be nice for us to talk, just by ourselves," he replied.

"Now what are they up to…?" Kratos muttered, gazing over at them while scratching Noishe behind the ears. "Should we go eavesdrop, boy?" Noishe rolled his eyes and gave a couple of short barks. "Yeah, but she had angelic hearing…" Kratos reminded Noishe. The dog think gave another bark. "Oh, yeah…" the mercenary replied. "Well, I'm sure it's just angsty teen stuff…" He sighed, shaking his head. "This job's really fun, isn't it?"

"Sure," Colette answered.

"Here," Lloyd gave her one of the giant mugs that he had found Martel-knows-where. "It's hot coffee,"

"Thanks," Colette stupidly took the cup by the cup itself instead of holding the handle.

"Boiling, is it not?" he asked.

"Yeah, really hot," Colette said with a smile.

"It's actually iced coffee," Lloyd said slyly, a shadow passing over his face.

"What?" Colette said, looking slightly shocked.

"I prepared it cold," Lloyd replied, grabbing the shadow and brutally stomping it into the ground.

"Oh," Colette gave a small giggle, though it sounded a bit nervous. "Yeah, of course it's cold,"

"I spoke an untruth, it's, in fact, sweltering," Lloyd said dramatically. She dropped the cup. "As I thought, you cannot feel anything, can you?!"

"W…well, uh…but…uh…" she was having a mini-freak out.

"You were bleeding so copiously, yet you did not even flinch when I constricted your hand!"

"I guess the secret's out…" Colette said in defeat.

"You have not been ingesting food lately, either,"

"I eat!" she gave a little giggle. Lloyd shook his head.

"Scarcely," he replied. "You have even begun to ingest foods that you have a distaste for. Not only that, have you been sleeping?"

"Of course," she gave a little giggle again. "See, my eyes aren't red or anything," she leaned forward to let him see.

"Cease your lies!" he averted his gaze so that he couldn't see the hurt in her big, blue eyes. "You consistently employ that false giggle when uttering falsehoods," She turned away and took a couple of steps forward.

"Th…that's not true…"

"Is it so difficult to place trust in me?"

"No!" she squeaked almost hopelessly. "It's not like that! I just…" she sighed. "I just didn't want anyone to worry,"

"What is occurring with you?" Lloyd asked unhappily.

"I dunno…" she clasped her hands to her chest. "I don't know, but things first got strange when I released the Fire Seal and it's only gotten worse with each one. I can't taste things now,"

"No taste?"

"I never get hungry,"

"That's…"

"I don't get sleepy either and, now, I don't feel,"

"Why…why didn't you say anything?!" Lloyd demanded passionately, dramatic music starting to play as the wind blew across them dramatically.

"Well, I thought that it's all part of becoming an angel so I shouldn't let it get to me," Colette replied, her golden hair blowing in the wind as the music got more emotional.

"Not feeling, eating, or sleeping?!" he declared.

"But I can see really far now and hear things so well that…if you drop a pin in the other room, my ears'll start bleeding,"

"I'm sorry!" Lloyd rushed at her and embraced her, crying into her shoulder. "I didn't realize what was going on at all! I'm sorry!" The music shifted into an instrumental version of 'Why'.

"Please don't tell the others…I want this trip to be fun…"

"You are so…insipid!" he squeezed her tighter.

"Why?" Kratos sobbed into Noishe's coat. "Why is this happening? This reminds me of that terrible mistake I made!" Noishe attempted to console him with some low whimpers but the mercenary remained inconsolable.

So they backtracked to the Asgard HOS, spent the night there, and then continued on to Luin.

"I'll be glad to spend the night in a real inn," Kratos commented as they approached the town. "Those houses of salvation kinda lack…oh, dear Martel…" He had spotted the smoke lifting from the town. They crossed the, now battered, rail-less bridge.

"This is…" Lloyd muttered, looking at the town.

"Horrible…" Colette finished. The party resolved to check for survivors, but they found none and most of the bridges collapsed when they attempted to cross them, so they went over to the fountain.

"Shee-shee!" Kratos exclaimed as they came across the injured ninja, reclining against the fountain with crimson on her clothes and the ground around her.

"You! N'w yer even heuh?!" Genis shouted, making Colette's ears bleed.

"What has transpired?" Lloyd asked, approaching her. "You're badly wounded,"

"Oh, it's you guys," she said, as though she commonly met her mortal enemies while wounded in wrecked cities. "If you wanna finish me off, now's your chance. I don't have any strength left to fight…"

"Okay," Raine prepared to bludgeon her with her staff.

"Professor!" Colette shouted.

"You're as devious as you look," Sheena grumbled. "I wasn't being serious…" She coughed up some blood. "The Desians came and owned all the lamers in this town and dragged them off to the ranch. Something about hiding escaped prisoners or something…"

"_What do you mean, there's no half-elf discount?!" Desian 195 barked at the shopkeeper. "I can't afford that! What do you think we make at the ranch, anyway?!"_

"_Sorry, bub, I gotta make a living too," the shopkeeper said flatly._

"_That's it!" 195 blew a whistle and a bunch of Desians showed up and started tickling everyone with feathers._

"So, how were you injured?" Colette asked.

"It's nothing, I was just a little clumsy…" Sheena muttered.

"_What a beautiful day!" Sheena exclaimed as she left the inn and stretched, breathing in the fresh air. She went skipping happily off towards the fountain, but she tripped and flew into it. She attempted some midair recovery moves, though they just resulted in her bouncing around the fountain more and breaking it to pieces until, battered and bloody and sporting some bad injuries, she ended up reclining against the fountain, hoping somebody would come over and help her. Around this time, though, the Desians ran in and started tickling everyone into submission and dragging them off. Several took the opportunity to tickle her a lot too, causing her wounds to open worse, before leaving her there, due to her horrible dress sense._

"Help me!" some old dude came running and screaming up the path, being chased by a giant cucumber thing.

"It's Clara!" Raine exclaimed. "She managed to get all the way here!"

"Hey, I was about to enunciate that observation!" Lloyd objected. BONK! Mr. Staff meet Lloyd. Lloyd, Mr. Staff. Sheena suddenly, despite her obvious blood loss and mortal wounds, managed to get up and pull out four aces and two kings.

"Stay back, you monster!" she shouted, doing some dorky pose. Clara was not impressed and smacked her into the fountain. "Ow…I was just trying to bluff, you know…" she fainted. Clara suddenly caught sight of Colette, though, and promptly ran off.

"First Aid! First Aid! First Aid!" Kratos was attempting to revive Sheena, although having his hands on her chest was probably unnecessary for this. "I won't let you die! HEALING STREAM!" Raine hit Kratos on the head to make him stop groping their friend/enemy (friendenemy?). Luckily, his spell seemed to have done the trick and Sheena woke up.

"Ugh…what happened last night?" she grumbled, walking out of the fountain. She spotted them and then realization hit. "Ow!" she shook her fist at it. "Why did you…save me?" she asked timidly, expecting Raine to judo kick her at any given moment now. Kratos was about to speak (and, most likely, give a perverted reason) but Lloyd cut him off.

"Most likely for the equivalent rationale you had for shielding that elderly male," Lloyd replied.

"Thanks…" Sheena muttered, blushing and scratching her head as she looked at Lloyd's boots. "Um…I know it's selfish and unreasonable at this point, what with the me trying to kill you and you being nice enough to spare me, and all, but…um…I have a…um…favor to ask of you,"

"A favor?" Lloyd repeated.

"A favor?!" Raine repeated with more hostility. Sheena jumped up and hid behind what was left of the fountain's statue.

"Well, I owe the local yokels for food and stuff…" she explained, talking very fast. "And they might forgive the debt if I save 'em. And if you call off psycho lady there, I'll call a truce. So whaddaya say? No pressure. Just throwing it out there. Just say the word and I'll run off and we can pretend this never happened," she stopped to hyperventilate.

"All right," Lloyd finally said.

"LLOYD!" Raine screamed, the flames of hell jumping up behind her as the screams of incinerating puppies and kittens could be heard amongst an evil chorus and heavy rock music, with chainsaw sounds in the background.

"I agree with Lloyd," Colette said happily, fortunately oblivious to her insane teacher.

"I see no probs here, yo!" Kratos said excitedly, beaming so brightly that the party was practically blinded.

"Ah…um…I's sowwy, Wainee!" Genis exclaimed.

"FINE!" Raine screeched like the spawn of Satan before reverting back to an annoyed school teacher. "Do as you wish! I suppose if we (meaning I, for the sake of my remaining sanity) look at it another way, it does mean we can keep a close eye on her,"

"Yay!" she jumped out of her hiding place and hugged Lloyd, swinging him back and forth. "We'll all become the bestest of friends!"

"Please…cease…this…action!" Lloyd gasped, turning blue.

"Oh, come on, bud. You need to learn to enjoy being hugged by cute girls!" Kratos said brightly. "Cute girls…that I want hugging me…" he finished quietly.

"Um…shouldn't we be going to the ranch?" Colette suggested.

"Oh, yeah," Sheena dropped Lloyd, who was now unconscious. "Let's get going!" she pointed dramatically at the exit to town.

"Yeah!" Kratos chimed in. "Kratos and the hunnies, away!"

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**As I'm sure fans of TOS have noticed, Sheena really does point dramatically to the horizon when the party sets out (at some points). Anyway, yay! Sheena's finally in the party, though she actually doesn't join in Luin unless you picked the un-Lloyd-like path earlier at Palmacoasta (at least I think...) Remember to review and to vote if you haven't already. I'm taking votes in reviews too, by the way.**


	15. Chapter 14

**Still own nothing. Beware of mild cursing and references to he-double hockeysticks.**

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**Chapter 14: Ranch Numeró Tres**

So on they walked…and, sometimes, rode Noishe…and, occasionally, partied with the local monsters…okay, so they didn't party with them, they killed them, but I digress…

"The security is intense," Lloyd observed as they observed the ranch from behind some trees. "It is completely different from the Palmacoasta Ranch,"

"Yeah…even if we get inside, they'll own us like lamers," Sheena added, almost blanching at the thought.

"There's a way, though…" Raine revealed cryptially.

"Professor, I suppose you are thinking of the same plan as I," Lloyd replied.

_In Raine's head: (puppies and kittens scream as they are slaughtered by a flaming chainsaw) "Verrückt , verrückt , verrückt! Verrückt ist die beherzt! Verrückt , verrückt , verrückt! Sie sind verrückt!" (heavy metal rock is playing as she dances with Satan and makes the people of Sylvarant push a giant wheel to rotate a statue of her). "Wenn du bist glücklich , wenn hin ein zunichte machen , oder auch wenn Sie eben zusteigen ihr Nerven! verrückt verrückt sie ist verrückt!" _

"What? What are we going to do?" Colette tilted her head. Raine opened her mouth to speak her wonderful (to her, anyway) plan, but Lloyd answered first.

"We will disguise ourselves as Desian soldiers and creep inside, undetected,"

"I see the gears in your head move quickly only at times like these…" Raine commented sourly, playing along with the plan that she was _supposedly_ thinking of.

"You are contemplating Kratos," Lloyd retorted, mildly miffed.

"Hey!" Kratos objected, pouting.

"Oh, I see!" Colette said, realization dawning on her. "If we look like Desians, we won't get caught,"

"That's a pretty dangerous plan…" Sheena muttered, sitting, curled up, on the ground. "Maybe we should just ask them nicely if we can come in or, better yet, why don't we just run along and forget the whole thing! Yeah! Let's do that!" She jumped up and started to run off, but Lloyd grabbed her by the big, pink bow she used for a belt. "Oh, damn it…" she grumbled quietly as Lloyd threw her back into their impromptu meeting area.

"I don't think it's a very good plan, either, but it's the least sucky plan we have," Raine snapped. Kratos managed to snap out of his disappointment that Sheena's top hadn't been pulled off by her bow, in time to see a trio of Desians, two females and a male, approaching.

"They're coming over here!" he observed, hiding behind Sheena as she attempted to hide behind him. She settled for holding Genis in front of her, as though that would hide them. Raine groaned in annoyance and jumped out at the soldiers, employing the judo that she never used in battles that had story significance.

"Okay, let's go set up camp in the woods," Raine said, stripping the uniforms from the battered Desians. "We don't know when or if they'll come looking for these guys,"

"Yes, you are correct," Lloyd admitted, for once. With that, the universe committed suicide. But, since that would be the end of the story and the creator dude/gal/thing/being didn't approve of universal suicide, the universe popped back and the action resumed. The party set off for the woods, but were missing a member. It took them a while to notice, but they did notice, after they had set up camp.

"Hey, where's Mr. Aurion?" Colette asked. The others looked around.

"Maybe he got eaten by an O2 molecule!" Sheena suggested, looking around fearfully at the surrounding air. The others gave her some odd looks.

"I highly doubt that…" Lloyd said at last. "But we left some naked women lying in the bushes, as we took their uniforms, so, knowing Kratos…"

"The great Kratos has returned!" guess who burst out of a bush near Sheena, making her scream like a wussy and faint. "You guys miss me?"

"Not really…" Lloyd muttered. _Well, at least he smells like he just bathed. I can smell the soap…_

"Aww…" Kratos pouted, flopping next to Noishe and scratching him behind the ears.

"By the way, here's your supper," Raine stated, handing some burnt, reddish paste that was supposed to be spaghetti.

"Uh…thanks…" he replied, forcing a smile. As soon as she looked away, though, he glared at the food, sensing the tomatoes within.

"Why do you detest tomatoes so?" Lloyd asked him as he chucked the food bodily into the woods, killing a bird that happened to be passing by, as well as several animals that would attempt to eat it the following day.

"I have my reasons…" he muttered. "They once did me a great wrong…something that I can never forgive…"

"O-kay…" Lloyd decided to give up the conversation.

"All right, listen up!" Raine announced, kicking Sheena to wake her up.

"Ahh! No! Don't shock me! I'm too young!" she screamed, jumping up and running into a tree. "Owie…" she groaned, sitting on the ground and rubbing her head.

"A-HEM!" Raine cleared her throat loudly. "Now we must decide who will be the Desians,"

"Me! Me! I'll be one!" Kratos shouted excitedly, jumping up and down and raising his hand.

"This is not a game," Lloyd sighed, hand on his forehead.

"That's not fair!" Kratos yelled, some time later, as Lloyd, Raine, and Sheena were dressed in the uniforms.

"It's not about fairness!" Raine snapped, hitting him upside the head with one of the long-handled orgy lanterns that the female Desians had been carrying. "Besides, I wouldn't trust you to be the male Desian!"

"I could be the female," Kratos suggested, only to get whacked again. He pouted and settled for undressing the girls with his eyes and mind.

"I feel less comfortable around him every day…" Lloyd muttered.

So they proceeded up to the front gate the next day; Kratos, Colette, and Genis looking dejected as prisoners should. Kratos and Genis perhaps too much so because the latter was so stupid he thought he'd actually been captured and was bawling loudly and the former had been hit round the head many times that morning for being perverted and so Raine and Lloyd could get in the rhythm of Desian behavior.

"Stop!" Desian 195 shouted as they approached the gate. The group did so.

"We've done it!" Raine shouted.

"Uh…_what_ have you done?" Desian 971 asked.

"Did you fix that toilet?" 195 asked. "I've been needing to crap since yesterday and-"

"Whoa! Too much info, man!" Kratos objected. Raine hit him in the head with her orgy lantern.

"Silence, human!" she barked. Kratos pouted and whimpered. "Anyway, we've found the wanted criminal, Lloyd Irving!"

"Huh? He's wanted?" 195 looked at 971 and shrugged. "Go on in," they pushed the gate open and the party went inside.

"And, remember, clean teeth are healthy teeth are happy teeth!" Desian 778 was telling some sack-wearing prisoners in a yard to the left. The group decided to ignore this and kept heading for the doorway. Kratos was drooling from staring at Raine and Sheena's butts as they walked, but was hiding by bowing his head to look dejected. Sheena was shaking so badly that one would think she had a terrible cold and she jumped every time somebody breathed loudly. Lloyd was resisting the urge to pelt Kratos with tomatoes.

"Man, you guys must really be good," Desian 812 commented as they came to the entrance to the complex interior. "Even Magnius got his butt owned by these lamers,"

"Yep, but they're no match for us," Raine gave a slightly maniacal laugh and managed to smack Colette, Genis, and Kratos in one swing of her lantern.

"Owie!"

"Why just me?!"

"We gon' die!"

"You wield that lantern good," 812 commented, handing Raine his number. "I'm Desian 812, meet me in the lounge later," He winked.

"I certainly shall," Raine replied. "Come on, dreck!" she kicked the 'prisoners' through the door.

_Methinks she's enjoying this too much. _Lloyd thought grimly.

At last, they made it to the control room and the three 'Desians' took off their helmets to look around with the others. They approached a big window that was looking into a room with conveyor belts, which were carrying capsules.

"It looks like this is an Exsphere manufacturing plant," Raine commented.

"It appears so," Lloyd added.

"These are all Exspheres?" Kratos exclaimed, looking unhappy.

"Shh!" Colette suddenly exclaimed as the group decided to head over towards the middle of the room for no reason. "I hear voices coming from the next room,"

"I hee' no!" Genis squeaked, having been addled earlier.

"Be cautious, nonetheless," Lloyd warned. So the group headed over towards the bit panel thing in front of them when, suddenly, a door opened and Botta came running in with Rob and Ed.

"Wha'?! Yoo!" he exclaimed, pointing with the arm that wasn't glued to his hip. Sheena screamed and dived behind a machine.

"Curses, these are the Desian soldiers from Triet!" Lloyd retorted.

"Dey stiw thinkin' we's De-signs!" Rob said condescendingly.

"Sir, dis da purfect chance!" Ed added.

"You wanna tussle, huh?" Kratos asked as western showdown music began to play.

"Wait," Botta objected. "Kratos wit' 'em. We'wl re-treat fo' now," Lloyd looked at the aging hipster.

"Are you two acquainted?"

"Uh…well, we used to take ballet together, but…" Kratos stopped at all the odd stares. "I mean, uh…we ran into each other at Iselia and Triet, remember?"

"I's thinkin' it be in owr bes' intres' not ta go pickin' fights righ' now," Botta said cryptically.

"Whatever…" Kratos said with a shrug. Suddenly, Vidarr squeezed out of the doorway behind Botta.

"Okay, let's get goin' afores' we's is caught's, boss!" he shouted. So the group of odd people ran past the Chosen group and flattened some pinwheel guys in the doorway, seeing as how Vidarr is twice as large as Botta, and far more muscular. More pinwheel guys promptly showed up, though, and started dancing around.

"Give me a K! Give me a V! Give me an A! Give me an R!" they chanted. "What does that spell?"

"Kvar!" the group shouted happily, except for Lloyd and Raine.

"Look behind you!" Lloyd exclaimed, pointing at a door that was next to the big window. A dude with really tight pants, a blue shirt, oversized shoulder pads, and slicked back hair came walking in, squinting.

"Has anyone seen my contacts?" he asked, using his oddly sharp staff to tap around like a blind man.

"Who are you?!" Lloyd demanded.

"Didn't you listen to the catchy cheer?!" the old man snapped. "I'm nine-hundred-seventy-seven years old! I don't have the time or energy to do much more than rant about the old days, tell kids to get off my lawn, and make other Desians give me foot rubs!"

"He's Kvar," Kratos said, salivating and growling like a dog. His hair even seemed to spike up slightly with anger, which was odd. "one of the five Desian Grand Cardinals,"

"Well, I'm glad that _someone_ knows me…" Kvar muttered. "Anyway, if I could just find my contacts, I'd give you a tour of the factory," Kratos got a nasty impulse all of a sudden and knocked Kvar out with one of Colette's chakram.

"Good work, Kratos!" Lloyd complimented. "Let us go!" The party ran into the factory area as the Desian cheerleader squad attempted to revive Kvar with First Aid spells, seeing as how Apple Gels don't do squat and Desians don't get paid enough to buy Life Bottles.

"Huh?!" Desians 132, 123, and 321 said before being bodily chucked onto the conveyor belt to get jammed in the machinery.

"Take that, Desian $%$^s!" Kratos bellowed.

"What is your malfunction today?" Lloyd asked. He was ignored. Finally, the party got to the big window at the end.

"NOOOOOO!" a man yelled, followed by a loud ripping sound and a scream.

"Wh…what is this?!" Lloyd yelled in horror.

"This is where the Exspheres are removed from the host bodies," Kvar explained, hobbling up with Desians 812, 195, 971, and 778 trailing him to make sure he didn't fall down again like last week and jam up the coffee machine or something (don't ask how he clogged up the machine by tripping on it).

"They're made from human bodies?" Raine asked, seemingly just wanting to learn, rather than actually caring.

"Not exactly," Kvar said as another ripping sound and scream came from behind the window. "We stick them on these people and they get the ability to make people strong for no reason. Then we painlessly remove them in that room," Another man screamed.

"Den why dey's scweam?" Genis asked.

"Oh, we also wax the prisoners' body hair while we're at it," Kvar said with a little wave of his hand. "Anyway, you're in possession of stolen property, Mr. Irving,"

"Come again?!" Lloyd exclaimed.

"We were gonna give that Exsphere to Lord Yggdrasill, but-"

"I suppose that's the name of your leader," Raine observed.

"Yes," Kvar replied, slightly miffed at being interrupted. "Anyway, your mama, Anna, aka host body A012, had it on her and ran off from here. Of course, she was owned like a lamer for it,"

"You killed my…" Lloyd growled, his hair starting to flicker gold.

"No! No! Hell, no!" Kvar shouted. "Your daddy was the one that hit her with a bunch of SUPER LIGHTNING BLADEs to the torso and fried her,"

"Liar!" Lloyd bellowed, his eyes flashing between brown and green.

"No, really. Her Exsphere was taken off and she turned into a cucumber thing and your daddy used SUPER LIGHTNING BLADE about thirty times to kill her,"

"Fare non parlare cattivo del morto!" Kratos demanded, hair and eyes flickering as well.

"What? They were just humans," Kvar shrugged.

"Don't you ever talk about my parents like that!" Lloyd roared, his hair gold and eyes green. "Final destrucción , lluvia plumón en estos infeliz bobas en un final incendio de gloria! Apocalíptico Ducha!" A storm of flaming stones fell from the ceiling and blew up Kvar in a fiery explosion.

"Mr. Irving…" Kvar came walking up the path by the belts. " You should know that the best thing about being me is…" Another Kvar stepped out from behind him. "There are so many me's!"

"Holy crap!" Sheena screamed, holding up a joker. "Save us, weird bird guardian!" The weird bird guardian popped up and, somehow, teleported them out of the ranch.

"Now what?" Fake Kvar 7 asked.

"Back to the coffee lounge, I guess," Fake Kvar 4 shrugged. "It's nice that Kvar gets to hang out there all the time while we go around doing all of his work for him,"

"Thank you, Sheena!" Colette squealed, outside the ranch gates which, now, were oddly unguarded. She grabbed the ninja and started swinging her side-to-side.

"You're…welcome…" Sheena wheezed, trying to stop the superhuman girl from crushing her torso.

"Let's return to Luin," Raine suggested to an unasked question.

"Sounds good to me," Kratos said absently, thinking perverted things as he watched Colette hug Sheena.

So they went back and camped in the ruined city.

"I can't believe Exspheres are made from human lives," Sheena said, rocking in the fetal position as she thought of the concept and her fear of having her hair waxed, and her fear of ripping sounds, and her fear of…you get the point, right?

"Dis Marbuh's life…" Genis mumbled, looking at his own Exsphere, which he'd somehow gotten before he'd run off all emo, way back at Marble's death.

"This…THING!" Lloyd screamed, pulling his Exsphere off in a dramatic, angsty way as dramatic, angsty music came from nowhere.

"Lloyd, wait," Colette said, stepping up to him. "What will you accomplish by getting rid of that? It's your mom's life, remember?"

"But these devices make a mockery of human life!" he said in a tortured way.

"But, remember, we're lamers without them," Kratos reminded him.

"Don't you think I know that?!" Lloyd snapped.

"Well, if you get rid of that rock, you'll be too lame to finish the journey and you probably won't get a girlie friend, yo," Kratos commented with a sly grin.

"Yes, I comprehend that," Lloyd said dejectedly, staring at his Exsphere. "We are weak without these, but they exist by taking someone's life!"

"Look, those lamers didn't become victims 'cause it was the new fad, bud," Kratos sighed. "But I don't think they wanna get chunked in a ditch somewhere,"

"I think we'll all be defeated if we throw away our Exspheres," Colette interjected. "And then more people will be killed to make more and our journey will be meaningless,"

"The angel's right," Kratos winked at her, making her blush. "We can ditch these things at any given moment but we gotta live the share of their victims for their sake and ours. You're not gonna hesitate now, are you?"

"I…I just can't!" Lloyd cried in an anguished way. "I understand that you're correct, but…at the moment…let me think alone for a space, all right?" He walked off.

"No! Don't wanna be crammed in a stone! AHHH!" Sheena was still in the fetal position and, somehow, had fallen asleep. Raine kicked her. "AHH! Who?! Man overboard! Get the life raft!"

"It's your turn to cook dinner!" Raine snapped.

"Oh…really?" Sheena looked at the cooking paraphernalia. "Okay then, I'll make some nice curry!"

"I'll just go for a walk while you make it, okay, hunny?" Kratos winked and walked off, leaving a crimson ninja to almost burn herself on the fire because of her nervousness.

"Mother…" Lloyd whispered to the Exsphere. "did you suffer…when this thing took your life? Will you forgive me…for using this?"

"How would you feel, bud?" Kratos came stepping dramatically out of the shadows. "If you got killed by some rock, what would you want someone to do with that rock?"

"I…" Lloyd was unsure.

"If it were me…" Kratos shrugged. "I'd want to be useful to someone that was trying to stop this frigged up cycle, or just attached to a hottie…" he chuckled lecherously. "Then, maybe I could atone for my sins,"

"Your sins?" Lloyd asked sarcastically. "Like what?"

"That's not important…" he scratched his head. "Just hurry up and make a decision about these rocks," He slunk back into the shadows like a perverted, lavender ninja.

Speaking of lavender ninjas, Sheena had just finished making curry.

"Wow!" Kratos exclaimed. "It's like there's an orgy in my mouth, and all the hotties are invited!" Raine smacked him with her staff while Sheena blushed dark crimson.

"What's an orgy?" Colette tilted her head.

"Nothing!" Raine snapped. "Eat your food!"

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**Oh, Kratos...why can't you just say 'party' like a normal person? Anyway, be sure to review and to vote on Lloyd's Soul Mate if you haven't already (if you care, that is).**


	16. Chapter 15

**More stupid stuff, more inept Desians. Still own nothing. BTW, the transcript for this game is available on GameFaQ's, which I don't own.**

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**Chapter 15: Ranch Numeró Tres, Parte Dos**

The next morning…

"Well, what now?" Kratos asked, stretching and ruffling his silky, shaggy mane of auburn locks.

"I realized something," Lloyd replied. "Mother wished to live longer, therefore I will live for myself and she,"

"So you're gonna fight," Kratos turned and shrugged with a grin.

"Yes," Lloyd clenched his fist in front of him like many RPG heroes do. "I will break this cycle and prevent the creation of victims,"

"Yeah," Genis agreed. "M' too. I's gonna fight's on's Marbuh's buhhaf 's well,"

"I'm gonna regenerate the world," Colette added, as though this were her new mission and not her lifelong one.

"You've made a wise decision, Lloyd," Raine stated. "People are sinful beings. That's why we must continue to bear the burden of our sins for as long as we live," She gave a glance over to her shoulder angel, which was holding a bloody chainsaw and smoking a cigarette on Devil Raine's corpse. Angel Raine nodded and both apparitions vanished with a poof.

"Life survives at the cost of another?" Sheena muttered, hugging a lavender teddy bear. "You can't just stuff people into rocks!" With that, the group started to leave town…only to stop for another strategy meeting on the way out.

"What is our current itinerary?" Lloyd asked.

"Kvar," Kratos said his name with a scowl and a flash of red behind his eyes, "probably stepped up his security so we can't just waltz in with disguises,"

"Well…uh…there's this guy…and he…and I kinda saved him…and he…kinda got away from the ranch…and he…you know…he might…don't quote me on this…" Sheena explained nervously.

"JUST SPIT IT OUT!" Raine snapped, the flames of hell shooting up behind her.

"He might know a way in!" Sheena squealed, hiding behind Kratos.

_Good touching, good touching! _Kratos thought. She was just touching his shoulders, but he was used to being hit, so this was an improvement.

"He should still be in Hima," Sheena whined from behind her perverted shield.

"Very well, then. Let us proceed to Hima," Lloyd declared.

The trip took two days, and they had to rely on Sheena to find the mountain 'village', so, naturally, it took an extra half a day.

Side note: How does a friggin' INN and a random merchant qualify as a village?

Hima was dry, dirty, and situated in a very odd spot for any town that would want anyone to visit it.

"wELcome TO HiMa," Kratos read the sign as they entered.

"At last!" Lloyd said with relief. "Sheena's sense of direction is most detestable," Sheena hugged her teddy bear and curled up in a ball on the dusty ground.

"Oh, come on, Shee-Shee…" Kratos crouched and put a hand on her shoulder. "You found this place eventually. Think of how long it'd take if Genis was the guide," Everyone shuddered at that thought.

Heading inside, they ran into some lady that was stubbornly blocking the stairs for no foreseeable reason.

"Sheena!" she called out.

"I didn't do it!" Sheena yelled, diving behind a vase.

"It's Sophia," the woman said.

"Oh…" the ninja got up and brushed her outfit off. "How's Pietro?"

"He died," Sophia replied.

"!" exclaimed the group.

"Di' he say anuhthin'?" Genis asked. "Sumthin' 'bout da hooman r'nch, puhhap?"

"Uh…I…don't even know if really escaped from there," Sophia said evasively.

"What about his belongings?" Raine said sharply.

"He didn't have any," Sophia raised her hands in defense.

"Where's his grave?" the teacher demanded.

"At the back of the graveyard…don't dig it up, please,"

"Aww…" Kratos and Raine put away their shovels. They left the inn and headed up to the grave.

"Let's pray," Colette said out of nowhere. So they did.

"Sacred powers, cast your purifying light upon this corrupt soul, rest in peace, sinner…" Kratos muttered.

"Hmm?" Colette suddenly interrupted by turning to look at a guy that was coming up the hill in a zombie-like fashion.

"Chosen…mana…die!" the guy said with a ridiculous french accent.

"W…what he sayin'?" Genis stammered from behind the leg of Sheena, who was hiding behind Kratos's leg.

"P…Pietro!" she exclaimed. "It's a flippin' ZOMBIE!"

"Here you are," Sophia came running up the hill and hit him a frying pan.

"Chosen…die…angel…die…Human…ranch…underground…" Pietro muttered, dazed.

"Get back inside!" she grabbed him and started dragging him off.

"You LIED to us!" Raine shouted. "And we WORRIED about you!" Cue heavy metal rock music and flames of hell.

"In what way did you escape from the human ranch?" Lloyd asked him, ignoring Raine.

"Boulder…big…underground…jewel…boulder…move…Chosen…"

"Wha' you sayin'?" Genis cocked his head.

"Is that…the escape route?" Kratos's brain had a brief overload.

"Please, let him be!" Sophia blocked Raine's nose fire with her frying pan.

"Now, listen!" Sheena said as firmly as someone could while hiding behind someone else. "You may be happy just protecting zombie-man here, but Luin got owned! Help us out here!"

"I'm sure Pietro wants to talk normally, too, but he's got something wrong with him, so we'll call it a curse," Sophia replied.

"But he is alive," Lloyd stated. "The deceased cannot express their fear. Please, aid us,"

"We wanna go to the ranch," Colette said, smiling her sweet smile. "If you can get out, you can get in, right? Please!"

"Okay, but you have to fix this curse-thing," Sophia agreed reluctantly, getting tired of blocking Raine's flaming puppies and kittens that she was chucking at her. "There's some book in the Tower of Mana that should help,"

"All right…" Raine muttered, reverting back to her normal, albeit still scary, state. "But we're infiltrating the ranch first,"

"He mentioned something about blocking something with a boulder," Sophia explained. "Dig up the grave and take that pink ball with you,"

"Pink…ball?" Kratos's brain had another brief breakdown. Raine had it dug up in seconds.

"Thank you," Colette told Sophia. "We'll come back with that healing technique,"

"Come on," she nudged Pietro with the frying pan and ushered him back to the inn/lodge.

"Wa' dere a boul'er?" Genis asked, his brain finally kicking in.

"There was a big, obvious boulder on the path to the ranch," Kratos said with a nod.

"Yes. Let's go check it out," Colette added.

"Yes," Lloyd agreed.

Two days later, they were looking at a big, obvious boulder, which was blocking a fairly obvious ventilation shaft.

"This is it," Lloyd observed.

"So it would seem," Raine agreed. "Let's try moving it,"

"Leave it to me, hunnies!" Kratos declared, throwing his whole back into attempting to push the boulder. There was a loud sound of rending bones and muscle, not to mention a loud, girly scream that finally woke up Frank back in Iselia and made Yuan mess up on a crossword puzzle.

"Let's try the Desian orb," Lloyd sighed, averting his eyes from Kratos's mangled and twitching form. He held up the orb and the boulder slid aside automatically.

"But…it didn't even…budge…" Kratos gasped, in a lot of pain from two punctured lungs. Raine quickly used a Heal spell to shut him up and then the party proceeded to crawl through an old, dusty ventilation shaft.

"Achoo!" Kratos sneezed. "Why do they even have this freakin' shaft?"

"How in Sylvarant should I know?!" Lloyd snapped, punching out a sentient dust bunny. Finally, they reached the control room from before.

"So that's when I said, 'Dude, that's no Exelbua, that yo mama!'," Desian 999 burst into laughter.

"Man, I bet 195 was so ticked!" Desian 49 guffawed. 999 suddenly noticed the party.

"Who the hell are you?!" he demanded.

"Oh, well, I'm the great Kratos Aurion!" guess who pointed to himself cheerfully. "That's Lloyd, the scary lady is Raine, the purple ninja with black hair is Sheena, the kid she's hiding behind is Genis, the blond is Colette, and we are…" He spun around and struck a stupid pose. "THE CHOSEN GROUP!" some dorky rip-off of the TMNT theme started playing. Raine, tired of the shenanigans, hit Kratos upside the head, making the record scratch, and then knocked out the Desians, though they were already gaping, with WTH expressions, at Kratos. Without missing a beat, the crazy silver-head went over to the nearby panel and hit some buttons, making some lego-block map of the ranch get projected.

"Professor, you are fantastic!" Lloyd declared. Working keyboards was one of his weak points.

"So some people over here can work machines…" Sheena muttered cryptically.

"Huh?" Genis looked at her.

"Nothing!" she said quickly, starting to sweat profusely and turning red. "Just talking to myself,"

"So we're in the middle," Raine pointed to the map as she spoke. "Kvar is over at the end of the left wing, on the second floor. There's some kind of lame-butt thing, though, that makes it where you have to go hit some switches to activate the teleporter that leads to his room.

"Switches?" Colette repeated with a tilt of the head.

"Here, at the end of the two branches of the right wing," Raine explained, pointing to said locations. "We also have to turn off the conveyor belts to get up to the teleporter to Kvar's room, which means that we have to get those capsules the hell off of the belts," Suddenly, a loud honky-horn, like one from an old cartoon car, went off and a red light flashed.

"FRICK!" Raine snapped. "They noticed me hacking the system," She turned around. "Okay, we're splitting into two teams,"

"Wha?!" Genis objected. Raine smacked him into a wall. "Da gif' o' da' go'ess…" he slurred before falling over.

"Doesn't look like there's any other way," Kratos shrugged. "Now, I'm $%! gonna go $% kick Kvar's $%^$% butt!" He started foaming slightly at the mouth and growling like a dog.

"Can't we just go have a picnic and _say_ we kicked his butt?" Sheena asked from behind a machine.

"Colette, CHOOSE!" Raine demanded menacingly.

"Ah, um, well, then, ah, um, well, then, ah, um, well, then…" this went on for about ten minutes. Oddly enough the guards hadn't shown up yet.

"Shouldn't we go check out that unauthorized access of the system?" 778 asked, looking up at the flashing red light.

"Nah…" 971 took a swig of coffee. "I'm sure it'll check itself out,"

"Ah…I love this coffee lounge…" Fake Kvar 12 stretched out on the sofa.

"Ah, um, well, then…" Colette finally glanced at Lloyd, who had a vein pulsing in his temple. "I'll leave it to Lloyd," Lloyd sighed in relief.

"All right, then…" he looked over the group. "I will go to fight Kvar. To accompany me, I choose…Colette,"

"Yay!" she skipped over to his side.

"And…" he bit his lip to suppress the reaction to the other person he'd picked. "Kratos,"

"RUFF, RUFF!" Kratos barked deeply like a dog that hears something in the night, going over to Lloyd's side, too.

"Leave the other team to me…" Raine said arrogantly, thinking evil thoughts.

"Well, I guess you trust me if you're gonna leave me with _her_," Sheena squeaked from behind the machine.

"Let us reunite in Kvar's chamber," Lloyd declared. So his group ran into the factory while Raine's ran into the lobby.

"Ooh, look!" Kratos said excitedly, pointing to another weird cauldron thing. "What's it do this time?" Lloyd went over to it and changed the Sorcerer's Ring's power.

"Let us see…" he aimed the ring at Kratos, who, just now, managed to remember that they always tested it on him.

"Oh, Martel, no!" he shouted, attempting to escape, but a big fireball flew from the ring and chased him. "AHHH!" he screamed like a wussy as he ran all over the room, somehow managing to completely ruin the conveyor belts in the process.

"Look! The belts stopped, just like the Professor said we needed to do!" Colette pointed and hopped up and down in excitement. Lloyd sweatdropped as Kratos finally ducked into the doorway on the other side of the room and the fireball hit the door and exploded. Going past the charred and twitching bodies of Desians 812, 785, & 449, Lloyd and Colette reunited with Kratos in the room where the teleporter was.

"Go fish," he said happily to Desian 971.

"Darn it…" 971 grumbled.

"Huh?" Desian 197 looked up and saw Lloyd and Colette. "Hey, Kratos, they with you?"

"Hmm?" Kratos looked at them. "Oh, yeah. Hey, guys!" He waved. "Come play with us, the teleporter won't be on for a while,"

"Why not?" Lloyd shrugged.

"Yay! Cards!" Colette exclaimed happily.

"Let's get started," Raine said with a sinister chuckle.

"Say wha?!" Desian 199 suddenly woke up in his spot in front of the door to the west wing. Sheena quickly dove behind Genis, who was drooling.

"Morir , muerto resucitado!" Raine shouted maniacally, giving the poor guy a judo kick to the crotch. She stole a key off of his crumpled form and the group proceeded into the right wind (although Sheena lagged behind more than was due). Heading forward, they soon found themselves in the prison.

"Hey, look!" 466 exclaimed before he and 477 were totally owned like the lamers they were. The cells opened, for no visible reason, once the guards were down.

"Is everyone all right?" Raine asked as Sheena came out from behind one of the nearby staircases.

"Who are you?" some guy with a beard asked.

"INSOLENCE!" Raine shouted, hitting him with a flaming puppy. "Pull yourselves together!" The prisoners quickly dusted themselves off and attempted to look 'pulled together'. "By the way, anyone here know some ungrateful $% named Chocolat?"

"Ah, yes," some other guy said. "She was given her SAT here…they sent her to Iselia for being so stupid,"

"I see…well, let's get going, inferior beings!" Raine said, leading them out.

"Excuse me…you're Sheena, right?" the bearded guy moaned, now badly burned. "You came to help us, too?"

"Uh, yeah…" Sheena turned crimson and started sweating badly.

"Thanks," some woman said.

"Heh, uh…you're welcome…" Sheena had to drink a bottle of water to offset her sweating.

Raine led them around to the switch locations, noticed they were blocked by doors, and then scared them off by getting very angry and blasting the doors down with the flames of hell.

"This is why she scares me…" Sheena whined from behind Genis, who felt the same way, but couldn't speak at the moment, as Raine beat a Raybit to death with her staff.

The teleporter suddenly gave a small ding, like a microwave does when it's done cooking.

"Oh, it looks like the teleporter's on now," Kratos said disappointedly, putting away the cards.

"Oh , well," 197 shrugged.

"Dang it! I was about to win that time!" 971 complained.

"Prepare yourself, Kvar!" Lloyd cried dramatically, leaping into the teleporter. At the sound of Kvar's name, Kratos started foaming at the mouth again and ran after Lloyd.

"Bye!" Colette waved and skipped after them.

"Such a sweet girl…" 197 said dreamily.

"You'd have no chance with her," 971 said, still dejected over the card game.

"No chance like yo mama!" 197 retorted.

"Oh, it's on now!" 971 declared.

"KVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!" Lloyd shouted dramatically, running around the big thing in the middle of the room to yell at the old man, the others in tow.

"So, this is Lloyd," some projection of some slutty-looking lady with a giant hoola-hoop type thing floating around her head, commented coolly, as though angsty teens often barged into her conversations. "I see, he does bear a resemblance," Kratos and Lloyd were both glaring bloody murder at the old man, in the same fashion.

"Oh, it's you whippersnappers…I'm on the phone," Kvar grumbled before turning back to the lady. "Don't change the subject, Pronyma! You've been stealing data from the Angelus Project, which I've been working on since you were two-hundred!"

"I have no idea what the hell you're talking about," Pronyma said with a shrug.

"Stubborn little girl…" Kvar grumbled, shaking his cane at her. "You're only the leader of the cardinals because I recommended your slutty, bratty $% for the job!" He pointed at Lloyd. "Now I'm going to steal a rock off of an angsty teenager and get your job! Then I'll spank you good!"

"That actually sounds kinda hot…" Pronyma blushed and winked. Lloyd puked and Kratos had a perverted chain of thoughts. "But I think you're gonna get in trouble if Lord Yggdrasill finds out about your little plots you're helping Rodyle with," The hologram vanished and there was a dial tone.

"So the Mana Cannon is no longer a secret," Kvar shrugged, pressing the off button on the projector-thing. "When I get that rock off of your hand, boyo, I'll be given amnesty!"

"In yo' dreams, sucka!" Kratos shouted, having a Mr. T moment as he drew his blade.

"You shan't seize this from me!" Lloyd bellowed, getting out his swords.

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**Ahh, more insanity, more wussy Sheena, more unpredictable Kratos. Everyone seems to be adjusting to Raine, though. Remember to review and that the polls are still open for Lloyd's Soul Mate (review votes work too).**


	17. Chapter 16

**Now we're gettting somewhere with this story! The first segment of the game will be over soon, but I already have a few plans for the next segment. But let's not get ahead of ourselves, here. I don't own anything mentioned in this chapter or referenced to.**

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**Chapter 16: Grim Truths and the Wacky Tower Of Mana**

Two wind-chime things suddenly floated over from Martel-knows-where and started spinning, somehow creating a static shock around them.

"Something's coming!" Colette announced as the things charged at them. They leapt out of the way, only to have a big sphere of static electricity pop up in midair and shock them all about twenty times.

"Take that, whippersnappers!" Kvar shouted, the words 'Spark Wave' fading from above his head as the sphere faded.

"DEMON FANG!" Lloyd shouted, charging the geezer. "HURRICANE THRUST! FIERCE DEMON FANG!"

"LIGHTNING STRIKE!" Kvar hit Lloyd upside the head with his walking staff-thing and a seven lighting bolts rained on his head as well.

"My apologies…father…" Lloyd collapsed, dropping his swords. (FYI, N2D finds Kvar to be one of the toughest bosses in the game, besides Yggrassill. He's always trouble in every playthrough. Of course, Forcystus isn't much easier, especially because you usually bring characters you hate and don't use, so as to balance out the affection. But, ah, I'm digressing…)

"I won't let you take anymore lives!" Kratos shouted, hair turning gold and eyes green.

"I'M MAD NOW!" Colette added in her demonic voice.

"Im-notta-ang-eeeeeeeeeeeel!" Kratos bellowed, blasting a huge beam of purple energy from his blade, obliterating one of the wind-chime things while Colette tore the other to smoking fragments with demonic eye lasers.

"Curse you young folk and your fourth-wall-breaking super powers!" Kvar snapped. "THUNDER BLADE! SPARK WAVE! THUNDER BLADE!" Kratos and Colette ran at him at high speeds, dodging the spells as they shot at them, and began a unison attack.

"Follow me!" Kratos yelled. "SUPER LIGHTNING BLADE!"

"ANGEL FEATHERS!" Colette said demonically.

"Im-notta-an-gel!" Kratos blasted the old geezer again.

"DEMONIC WHIRLWIND!" Colette's chakram spun around Kvar in a whirlwind and cut him about a hundred times.

"Ugh!" Kvar stumbled back and fell down with a squeaky toy sound as the unison attack ended, somehow still in one piece, albeit in an extraordinarily large amount of pain. Lloyd suddenly got back up. Apparently, he had had a Life Bottle in his pocket and it had shattered and, just now, seeped all the way through his clothes. Colette went back to normal and was wondering why she was covered in blood.

"You have been avenged, mother…" Lloyd whispered to his Exsphere as Raine, Sheena, and Genis came running up.

"Technically, me and the angel did most of the work…" Kratos muttered, scratching his blond locks.

"We did?" Colette tilted her head, trying in vain to remember the fight past Lloyd getting KO'd.

"HEY!" hit them all in the head, in one swing of her staff, for ignoring her. "We found out where Chocolat is,"

"Really?!" Kratos exclaimed. "Good! Now we can save her so she can meet her half-brother or sister when he or she is born!" Raine glared, Lloyd looked green, Sheena stared, Colette looked puzzled, and Genis looked puzzled as well, but he usually looked that way, anyway. "Uh…just perpetuating the bluff…" Kratos said nervously, looking at the ceiling and whistling Genis's theme.

"Look out!" Colette suddenly exclaimed, pointing over Lloyd's shoulder. Lloyd spun and Kvar had a Buster Sword, about to chop him like an onion. "Noooooo!" the girl knocked Lloyd out of the way and got slashed across the back. She fell in his arms, bleeding very badly. "Lloyd, are you okay?" she asked.

"Yes, but you're…" he replied worriedly.

"I'm fine, really," she smiled, despite the fact that her clothes were all crimson on the back and her shirt was about to fall off from being cut open. Kvar attempted to beat a very slow retreat with his one-ton sword, but Sheena happened to fall out of her hiding place behind the thing in the middle of the room, effectively blocking him.

"You $%$!" Lloyd screamed, hair turning gold and eyes turning green as he charged forward in a blur and stabbed through the geezer's already-abused gut. Kratos echoed this sentiment at the same time and did the same thing, except he was already in the altered state.

"Kratos…you pathetic, inferior being!" Kvar said angrily. "I'm bringing this up at the next meeting!"

"Feel the pain!" Kratos cut of his arm. "Of those inferior beings!" Kratos hacked off his other arm. "As you burn in hell!" He blasted the guy to cinders with another Imnottaangel beam.

Meanwhile, a pint of Colette's blood was making a considerable puddle on the floor, as well as making her outfit change its color.

"Colee, h'ng on!" Genis exclaimed.

"Colette! Your wound!" Lloyd exclaimed.

"My angel, that wound!" Kratos exclaimed also.

"Thanks for worrying about me," Colette said with a smile, putting her hands together. "But I'm really okay. For some reason, it doesn't hurt," she gave a small giggle as the puddle got bigger and she got paler from blood loss. "Strange, huh?"

"You certainly are not okay!" Sheena objected, promptly fainting from all the blood.

"I won't let you die!" Kratos said heroically, running over and hugging Colette. "HEALING STREAM!" A bunch of water came from nowhere and washed over her wounds, making them all better.

"Thanks, Mr. Aurion," Colette smiled.

"No prob, my angel," he said, grinning back. It wasn't too long before he noticed the blood on his Beatle boots, though… "NOOOOOOO! These are antiques!"

"Colette, I can't keep it a secret any longer!" Lloyd cried dramatically as Kratos ran around in the background, crying over his boots and attempting to clean them while hopping around on one foot. "Everyone, harken to me! Colette can no longer feel anything!"

"Wha'? Whaddaya mean?" Genis asked, starting to get a headache from attempting to comprehend this.

"She is growing closer to becoming an angel, so she cannot sleep, feel, or even cry! Becoming an angel means sacrificing one's humanity!"

"Lloyd, it's okay, I'm okay, so…" Colette muttered. "Right now, we need to do something about this ranch. Right, Lloyd?" Lloyd looked at Raine, but she was already hitting the big, red button.

"That's kinda extreme…" Sheena said meekly. An alarm started sounding and the Spaceballs theme started playing again.

"OH, CRAP! THE SELF-DESTRUCT SYSTEM HAS BEEN ACTIVATED!" Fake Kvar 7 shouted over the PA. "ABANDON THE COFFEE LOUNGE, GET OUT OF BASKIN ROBBINS, CLOSE THE GAMESTOP, RELEASE THE ANIMALS FROM THE PETTING ZOO, CANCEL THE THREE-RING CIRCUS, GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!" So the party took the teleporter back to the room below, where they had to fight through raging sheep and goats, as well as overreacting Desians.

Eventually, they got to a safe distance from the ranch, just in time for it to explode and burn the forest around it.

"Let go back ta town," Genis suggested.

"Luin's a garbage heap. We can't rest there," Sheena interjected.

"Why not?" Lloyd asked. "We did so before,"

"Uh…well…" Sheena stammered, red as a tomato, before having a breakdown and fainting again.

"Okay, then, hunnies. Let's hoof it back to Asgard," Kratos declared.

"That would take too long!" Raine reprimanded him, hitting him over the head. "We're setting up camp in Luin!"

"All right…" Lloyd yielded.

"I'm sorry, everyone," Colette muttered, as though she wasn't important and the others' feeling took precedence over her life and happiness.

"So releasing seals makes her lose parts of her humanity?" Sheena asked, blanching at the thought.

"Dat's tewible!" Genis cried, almost stepping in the campfire.

"What will happen in the end?" Lloyd mused.

"Now onwy dat," Genis added. "But, af'er she re'gen'wates da worl', she'w be all loney as da on'y angul in da worl…dat too cwel…"

"That's…" Raine began, eager to reveal her knowledge of stuff.

"Professor, it's okay," Colette cut her off, sitting up the bed she was 'resting' in.

"But, Colette…" Raine replied lightly, making the others look out from behind the stuff they'd been hiding behind. S-Angel Raine put away her chainsaw.

"I'm sorry to worry everyone, but things'll get better," Colette continued.

"But this sucks for you!" Sheena objected.

"Sucks…" Kratos repeated, slipping pervertedly into perverted thoughts.

"Thanks, Sheena, but, if I quit now, all the sufferers in the world won't be saved and that's what I was born for: to regenerate the world,"

"Yeah…that's the Chosen's job," Kratos said sagely, nodding his head, before slipping back into perverted thoughts.

"Can we not find an ulterior method?" Lloyd asked unhappily.

"The world will be regenerated when the Chosen becomes an angel," Colette replied. "It's always been like that and always will be,"

"Are you truly happy with the current state of things?" Lloyd asked.

"Yes, I'm going to become an angel. That's what father wants, too,"

"Do you speak of Frank or Remiel?"

"Uh…both, I guess,"

"This path won't be easy, you know," Raine warned.

"Yes, Professor," Colette replied.

"I won't accept this. There has to be another way," Lloyd muttered as dramatic music played. Kratos his a guilty expression, of course, he may have been thinking of what he had done to some girl in the past or one of the other sins he committed along these lines, but it was probably guilt about something plot-related.

So the group decided to proceed to the big tower that was nearby, seeing as it seemed to fit Remiel's description of a 'tower that looks at another tower'.

"TOweR of MaNA," Lloyd read the sign as they approached the entrance.

"RUINS!" Raine screamed, running forward and hugging a wall.

"It's been a while since she's done that!" Kratos said, hearts in his eyes.

"Does she have issues?" Sheena asked Genis.

"She stwange, but she a good pewson at hear'," Genis replied.

_In Raine's heart: Evil black hole that devours puppies, kittens, and time, in a swirling torrent of pain and misery._

"It appears that the door is locked," Lloyd observed, attempting to push it open and noticing a keyhole in the middle of said door. "I presume that we must locate the key," He started to head out of the area, waving his hand to the others. "Come!"

"I'M NOT DONE STUDYING!" Raine screeched.

"Okay…" Lloyd put his hands up defensively. "Come on, Kratos," He grabbed the mercenary's arm and dragged him out of the area.

"But I want to watch my rose 'study'!" he objected. Lloyd groaned in slight annoyance and held up a tomato. "I'll come!" Kratos quickly ran to the head of the group.

On a random hunch, the party decided to make the two-and-a-half day trip to Hima, thinking that some random adventurer would give them a clue. They were sorta right, as random adventurers were involved.

"Hmm?" there was a loud commotion outside the front of the inn. The party rushed over to see a sword guy, Ed, a mage girl, Christine, and a bow guy, Joe, duking it out with a cucumber-thing, DBZ style.

"Último Cañón!" Ed shouted, shooting a big blast of mana at the monster and wounding it.

"Astral Rayo!" Joe added as Christine finished crying,

"Gran explosión , venga aquí y golpe plumón adversarios! Detonación Flor!" A big beam enveloped Joe's arrow and struck the cucumber thing as Christine's big ball of energy exploded upon it. With a mighty sonic boom, the monster crashed to earth. The random merchant guy looked up nonchalantly from his magazine, shrugged, and went back to reading.

"All right, it's weakening!" Ed said dramatically, pointing at it. "Finish it off!"

"Stop!" Lloyd shouted running over to them.

"_We're_ killing _this _cucumber-thing!" Joe snapped, literally and figuratively. "Go find your own!"

"Clara, stop! We want to save you," Kratos attempted to calm the battered cucumber monster down. "Please calm down…" Clara jumped up and Raine-smacked Kratos into Colette and they both rolled down the mountain. The cucumber-thing then dashed off, a key falling out of its pocket. Apparently, cucumber monsters have a penchant for shiny stuff.

"After that thing!" Ed yelled as he and Joe ran off after it. Christine shrugged and sighed.

"Men…" she muttered before running off after them. "Wait up, boneheads!"

"Colette, Kratos, are the two of you all right?" Lloyd called down the cliff. There was no reply.

"Cwawa dwopped dis," Genis handed Sheena the key.

"This is the key to the Tower of Mana," Sheena replied.

"So Clara stole it…" Lloyd observed. At that moment, Kratos and Colette came up the path into town, looking battered and both blushing. "What occurred?" Lloyd tilted his head.

"Oh, nothing…" Kratos scratched his head. "Just landed in an awkward position…" He looked down the path. "I hope Clara's safe,"

"That reminds me," Lloyd added. "We must find the technique of healing in the Tower of Mana,"

So they made the long trek back. Raine was waiting for them, still examining the tower.

"Marvelous!" she exclaimed as they came within normal earshot. "This was built to gaze upon the Tower of Salvation!"

"Yes, I think it was," Colette agreed.

"Wha' dat?" Genis asked.

"Genis, we have studied it in class previously!" Lloyd reprimanded the kid, making him flinch and shield his head.

"It was also used as a temple to pray to the Tower of Salvation, but monsters appeared inside one day and ate a few priests, so they decided to lock it up," Colette explained.

"I simply must go inside…" Raine salivated.

"This should be a seal," Colette continued.

"Bu' dere no or'cle sto'," Genis pointed out.

"Well, let's go in anyway," Kratos replied. "Before my rose tears the wall down," Raine was bombarding the wall with Photon spells. Lloyd sighed and unlocked the front door. The second it opened, Raine knocked him back into the others and ran inside. Lloyd flew into the others and knocked them over with bowling pin noises; three red X's appeared over them.

Proceeding inside, they found a room of books, which Raine was already attempting to carry away.

"On the bright side, she may locate the healing technique more quickly," Lloyd shrugged, letting his gaze drift until he spotted something familiar. "Look! It is an oracle stone!"

"ORACLE STONE!" Raine repeated crazily, a creepy glow in her eyes, running over to said oracle stone. "Colette, PRESS IT!"

"Yes, Professor," she replied quickly, doing so. Some circles nearby glowed.

"It didn't open," Kratos observed, looking at the two doors adjacent to the room.

"Look at that circle of magic," Lloyd replied.

"Marvelous!" Raine cried, hugging the apparatus in the middle of the three circles. "This apparatus has awoken, due to the oracle stone,"

"So w' just ne' tuh do sumfin' wit' it," Genis concluded.

"Pretty much," Kratos shrugged.

"LLOYD!" Raine screeched. "STAND ON THAT BLUE CIRCLE!"

"Very well," he hastily obeyed.

"GENIS! THE OTHER ONE!" he squealed and obeyed. Raine was standing on the last circle. One of the doors slid open.

"Oh!" Lloyd and Genis exclaimed.

"Wow!" Colette yelped excitedly. Lloyd stepped off to head for the door, but it slammed shut promptly when he left the circle.

"I suppose it only remains ajar whilst there are three individuals upon these circles," he observed. WHACK!

"INSOLENCE!" Raine snapped.

"So three of us have gotta stay here," Kratos concluded. "I wanna be in the group with the most hunnies,"

"Okay, then…Colette, Kratos, come with me," Lloyd declared.

"Weren't you listening?" Kratos whined as Lloyd led he and Colette into the door and onto a big, winding staircase, which was being patrolled by homicidal teddy bears, the grim reaper, and haunted swords. "I wanna go home!" Kratos whined as he was chased by all three and Colette and Lloyd started up the stairs.

Two hours later, they were still going up the stairs. With a big explosion, Kratos suddenly flew up from a lower level and landed in front of them. "Owie…" he grumbled, rubbing his head through his blonde locks as they became auburn again. "Didn't think they'd give me so much trouble…"

"Are you okay, Mr. Aurion?" Colette tilted her head.

"Just fine, now that you're by my side again," he said with a wink, kissing her hand.

"All right, all right, that is enough," Lloyd stated firmly, chucking a tomato at Kratos. He dodged it and it fell.

"OW! Who the hell threw that?!" the grim reaper shouted from below, getting hit by the high-velocity fruit. The group quickly started running up the ludicrously long staircase again.

One more hour later…

"Who the $% built this $% tower with so many $%% stairs any$%$way?!" Kratos bellowed as they stopped for a rest break, for the fifth time.

"What does $% mean, Lloyd?" Colette tilted her head.

"Never mind…" Lloyd replied quellingly before turning to Kratos. "Stand fast, Kratos, the exit is ahead," he pointed to it.

"Finally!" Kratos dashed through it to find a room with a big ball in a niche, a curtain over a window, and some weird block in the middle of the room. "What the hell is this?"

"Hmm…" Lloyd looked over the room. "I suppose we must incinerate that curtain, so that the light may refract through that block and activate that sphere,"

"Burn the curtains? Are you kidding me?" Kratos objected. "Those look like pre-Kharlan War antiques!" Lloyd shot a fireball at it with the Sorcerer's Ring and it promptly caught fire. "NOOOOOOO!" Kratos screamed, falling to his knees. An oddly focused beam of light came shining through the small window and refracted through the prism/block, activating the sphere, and opening the door.

"Let's go," Lloyd said, rolling his eyes at Kratos.

"Don't worry, Mr. Aurion, I'm sure there's some more of those somewhere," Colette said, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"You don't understand, my dear angel," he sobbed into his lavender handkerchief. "I've been searching for pre-Kharlan War curtains, y'know for my pad, for ages! And Lloyd just ups and burns them, right in front of me!" He wailed and collapsed into a pathetic heap.

Meanwhile, in the other room, Lloyd had come across an apparatus that activated when he examined it, creating a hologram of the Professor.

"LLOYD!" she exclaimed with crazed excitement. "Marvelous! It must be linked to an apparatus somewhere. LLOYD, CAN YOU SEE THIS SIDE?"

"Yes," he replied quickly, slightly disturbed by her demeanor.

"The door on this side OPENED so we're going on in. Let's meet up and regroup before we release the seal,"

"Very well," Lloyd agreed before the hologram faded. "Geez, she scares me,"

"Come on, lowlifes!" Raine shouted imperiously to Genis and Sheena as she lead them through the other door and into a room with a bunch of prisms/blocks. There was a powerful beam of light shining into the room from the left. It promptly blinded Genis and reduced him to a sobbing heap on the floor and Sheena was, somehow, ignited by the light's intensity and ran around the room, screaming and rolling around. "Inferiors…" Raine rolled her eyes and pushed the prisms/blocks around until the beam hit three orbs that were sitting around the north part of the room. A couple of shiny bridges of sparkly light appeared above. "Come on!" she shouted kicking Genis in the stomach to make him get up and slapping Sheena to make her shut up about almost burning to death.

They headed into a staircase and, two hours later, made it to the top and entered an empty room. Passing through, they came out near the top of the room with the puzzle from earlier.

"Hi, Professor!" Colette called from below, waving.

"Hi, Colee!" Genis waved back. BONK!

"NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR WAVING!" Raine screeched. "WE MUST CROSS THIS BRIDGE OF SPARKLINESS AND EXAMINE THE DEVICE ON THE FAR SIDE!" So they did, and another sparkly bridge appeared next to Lloyd's party as a hologram of Lloyd appeared above the device. For some odd reason, he looked sort of funny and instilled laughter in the author (really, there's just something puppy cute about that hologram [don't look at me like that]).

"Look! It's my Rose!" Kratos shouted from the other side of the room.

"We've made it in further," Raine said to Lloyd. "It would be best to regroup before we proceed,"

"All right," Lloyd agreed as the hologram faded.

He walked across the bridge, up a few stairs, across another bridge, up a few more stairs, and reunited the group, thereby eliminating the need for unnecessarily talking through a hologram thing when they were in the same room (really, I would think Raine's group could just shout down to Lloyd. I mean, they were right above them).

"Stand on that pedestal," Raine commanded, pointing at the other circle that she wasn't standing on. Lloyd did so and a nearby teleporter activated (they were groups of more than one, so why Raine waited for Lloyd to stand on the other circle is a mystery).

The teleporter led to the roof. As they walked up the rickety, wooden stairs that were very out of place, Genis started getting nervous. Suddenly, Pegasus's brother, who was addicted to crack and steroids, jumped out. His name was Iubaris, and he liked to make shadow horses run, out of nowhere, at the party, as well as shoot lasers out of his mouth.

"No…" Kratos fell over, extra crispy, after being hit with a mouth laser, as Genis moaned,

"Sis…" falling with a squeaky noise and several shadowy hoof-prints on his person.

"All right!" Lloyd yelled, his hair and eyes changing color. "APOCALYPSE BLASTER!" He bellowed, shooting a big laser out of his swords and crippling the giant horse as it attempted to do some more crack. It stumbled and was completely open to Raine's hail of flaming kittens she was throwing at him. With a loud whinny, the horse jumped off the tower and landed with a faint splat at the bottom.

"Yo, Chosen! Get yo butt up here, girl!" Remiel's voice called.

"Yes!" she gasped, walking up to the altar. "Oh Goddess Martel, great protector and nurturer of the earth, grant me thy strength!" She sprouted wings and flew up a couple of feet, but Remiel didn't show up. Instead, some lady with a moon for a chair appeared.

"Aw, this sucks!" she griped. "Aska done flew the coop again! Damn bird…" she vanished. The party was puzzled, but were quickly distracted when Remiel showed up in his pink boxers.

"Yo journey been long, girl!" he shouted, brandishing a homemade cigarette and blowing out a bunch of smoke. "You done good gettin' this far!" he pulled out a remote. "Take dis blessin'!" A bunch of iridescent light shot out of the remote and went into Colette. "You also gettin' a new attack. It called 'Sacrifice' and you'll never use it in battle, on account'a it suck!" He looked up as a bell went off like one of those game shows do when you win a quiz or something. "Congrats, Chosen! You's able ta go to da Tower o' Salvation now, girl!" His wings stopped flapping and he fell painfully to the ground. Cursing, he vanished in a flash of light.

"Well, looks like the end of this long-butt journey is coming," Kratos commented. "Let's go in the general direction of the tower that's way too tall, some time in the near future,"

"Are you sure, Colette?" Raine asked, looking apprehensively at S-Angel Raine.

"Yes," Colette said after a pause. "I'm fine,"

"Damn it!" Lloyd hissed, angry at himself, among other things.

* * *

**Anyone get the reference to the prologue that Kratos just made? Ha, ha...anyway, remember to review, the poll for Lloyd's soul mate will be open until I decide to close it or the story gets to the first soul mate scene (whichever comes first) and I'll take votes in reviews if you'd rather or don't have an account.**


	18. Chapter 17

**Sorry 'bout the long delay. Brain not been working, still now sure if it is but I've managed to top off this chapter. Still own nothing.**

* * *

Chapter 17: Loose Ends: Tying them Up

**So the party began the long trek out of the Tower of Mana. It took less time than before, but still pretty long. It was getting late into the afternoon outside. As they passed through the room of books, which Raine had, mostly, cleaned out, Lloyd spotted a big, obvious book on the shelf.**

"'**Boltzman's Book'," he read.**

"**That's it!" Raine shouted, pushing Lloyd over and grabbing the book, flipping through it feverishly.**

"**N'w we's c'n save P'etro," Genis commented.**

"**NO!" Raine objected, slamming the book in annoyance. "I need something like a Mana Leaf Herb or a Unicorn Horn to make this work!"**

"**Geez, where are we gonna find something like that?" Kratos said, scratching his head.**

"**Well, I heard some people talking about a unicorn being seen at Lake Umacy," Sheena suggested timidly.**

"**Let us travel to that location, in that case," Lloyd replied. The group then left the tower.**

**Outside, Colette fell to her knees, suddenly.**

"**Professor! The Angel Toxicosis has returned…" Lloyd stated.**

"**I see," Raine replied, bored. "Let's rest here for today," Colette made a rasping sound and looked shocked.**

"**What is the matter, Colette?" Lloyd asked.**

"**She's a mute, yo," Kratos pointed to the word 'mute' which was floating in front of her.**

"**Wha'?!" Genis exclaimed. Colette looked shocked.**

**That night, the party was sitting around the fire, looking at it in an angsty way, when Sheena abruptly stood up. **

"**Everyone, listen up," she said, quickly losing her nerve when everyone looked at her and blushing red.**

"**What is it?" Lloyd prompted.**

"**IwannaexplainwhyIwastryingtokillColette," she said very quickly.**

"**Okay, tell us about your fantasy land where mana is plentiful, aristocrats are jerks, and where we'll spend a good amount of time doing a bunch of pointless filler crap to stop us from fighting the bad guys as quickly as we could otherwise," Raine said. She seemed to have lost her killer instinct since the Tower of Mana.**

"**You knew?!" Sheena exclaimed, turning a dark red and sweating.**

"**You stated that your country would be destroyed if Sylvarant is saved, therefore, you aren't from Sylvarant," Lloyd explained.**

"**Yeah…" she scratched her head nervously. "I'm from some place called Tethe'alla,"**

"**Da moo'?" Genis interjected.**

"**No…" Sheena replied. "I don't know about it either, but Tethe'alla and Sylvarant are linked somehow and steal mana from each other,"**

"**So, at this moment, Sylvarant's mana is going over to Tethe'alla so this world is in decline," Lloyd deduced. "And, without mana, we cannot grow anything, or use magic, and the Summon Spirits will depart, instilling more destruction,"**

"**Then the Chosen's world regeneration is actually the process of reversing the mana flow?"**

"**Yep," Sheena replied. "So I came over to kill the Chosen so my world won't turn into a hick country,"**

"**And to destroy us," Lloyd added, standing. Colette got up too.**

"**W-Well…" Sheena's clothes were very wet by now, with sweat. "But you're doing the same thing,"**

"**It's hard to believe all of this," Raine muttered, sounding half-asleep.**

"**I can summon, and no one else here can do that," Sheena wrote this down and labeled it 'Exhibit A'. Colette gave her puppy-dog eyes that made Kratos feel like a very dirty person indeed.**

"**Please don't look at me like that," Sheena begged, shielding herself. "I know you wouldn't hurt a fly, if you could help it. And I don't know what to do about his screwed world, either…can't everyone be happy?"**

"**I concur!" Lloyd declared.**

"**Nothing that convenient exists in reality!" Raine snapped.**

"**The only thing we can do is go to the really tall tower," Kratos muttered, having one of his rare emo moments.**

"**Cannot we merely eliminate all of the Desians?" Lloyd asked.**

"**That's not possible, bud," he replied, not looking up. "The mana'll wear out and then…"**

"**I' mamah reawy so 'por'ant?" Genis asked.**

"**It is the source material which composes everything," Lloyd replied.**

"**Unfortunately, the tree that somehow makes mana doesn't exist," Raine added. Colette suddenly pulled out a marker and started writing on Kratos's coat.**

"**Hey!" he objected.**

"'**I'll try asking Remiel if there's a way to save both worlds'," Lloyd read aloud.**

"**I may have to kill you after all, you know," Sheena said meekly, knowing she could be beaten quite easily.**

"'**When that time comes, I may fight back, because I love Sylvarant too'," Lloyd dictated from Kratos's coat before he ran off and attempted to wash it off.**

"**So you're becoming an angel no matter what…" Sheena started writing her will.**

**She was still writing it when they arrived at Lake Umacy, a couple of days later.**

"**Loo'!" Genis exclaimed excitedly as they approached the mass of water, pointing and jumping up and down retardedly. "I' a u'i'co'! I' a u'i'co'!" It was trapped under some logs, under the water, and, for some unknown reason, there was an air bubble around it that seemed a little too well-located. **

"**Wow! So there're still unicorns over here!" Sheena exclaimed, stuffing her will in her bra, as she, conveniently, had no pockets.**

"**How can we wake it up and get its horn?" Raine mused. **

"**Huh?" Kratos snapped out of his perverted thoughts, which had been triggered by Sheena using her bra as a pocket.**

"**How shall we travel to that location, though?" Lloyd wondered aloud.**

"**Ca' w' jus' swi' ta i'?" Genis inquired.**

"**You will not be capable of not respiring for long enough," Lloyd pointed out.**

"**Uh…thereisaway," Sheena said nervously. Everyone turned to look at her, making her even more nervous and causing her to, predictably, turn crimson and start sweating badly. "Uh, wecouldsummonUndineandcontrolthewater'smana," she said very quickly.**

"**Undine, the Summon Spirit?" Lloyd asked.**

"**W' don' haf nob'dy dat c'n s'mm'n stuffies," Genis objected.**

"**I…I haven't formed the pact yet, but…" Sheena shook her head and turned away. "Why don't we just forget it? Yeah, good idea, Sheena. Let's just go to the really tall tower. Okay, Sheena," she started to walk off, but Raine hit her upside the head. "Owie!" she sat down and rubbed her head, pouting like a wussy.**

"**I thought summoning was extinct," Raine observed. "Oh, well," she shrugged.**

"**Please, make the pact, Sheena," Lloyd said.**

"**O-Okay…" she blushed harder. "Let's go to the Seal of Water, then,"**

"**Yay!" Genis ran off. Lloyd, Sheena, and Colette followed.**

"**Man, what a detour," Kratos muttered, scratching his head. "It'll take a week to make it back to Thoda,"**

"**Yes…" Raine agreed eloquently.**

**So, one week later, the party finally arrived at the TISBD (I'm not writing that out again). As they entered, Kratos and Candy gave a girly scream at the same time. The latter, being girly and seeing Kratos again, the former, being very wussy and seeing her new outfit, as well as remembering the last run-in with her. **

"**Tomato!" he shrieked, running out of the house of salvation, leaping in the water, and swimming like a motorboat towards Thoda Island.**

"**Come back, sexy-pants!" Candy called, using her tomato suit as a boat and paddling after him. The others watched the trail of foam Kratos left behind, sweatdropping, before 'borrowing' some washtubs and making for the island themselves.**

**Fortunately for Kratos, some giant octopus called Ultros had decided to grab Candy's tomato suit boat and hurl it all the way to Katz Village, so she was out of his hair, at least for the moment. The party proceeded inside, after Lloyd had to smack Noishe out of the way (apparently, he was still intent on stopping Sheena from entering and was, probably, still ticked about losing to Corrine). After beating up more sponges, starfish, and magic-casting balls, they were, at long last, at the altar again.**

"**Sheena, please form the pact," Lloyd commented.**

"**Pact…hmm…" Kratos muttered, slipping into perverted thoughts. Colette made a comment but it was inaudible, as she was a mute at the moment.**

"**O-O-Ok-k-k-k-ay…" Sheena was shaking violently, her entire body was blanched, and she was sucking her thumb while hugging her bear tightly. She crept up to the altar. There was a flash of blue light and Sheena screamed, falling on the floor and covering her head. "I want to live!" she squealed. Undine, cocked her head.**

"**What the hell is wrong with you?" she asked. Sheena just kept shaking on the floor, her eyes wide in horror as she stared at the Summon Spirit. Undine sighed. "Anyway…I'm bound to Mithos, who are you, anyway?"**

"**Mi'tos? Da hewo o' da K'a'wan Wo'?" Genis stated, cocking his head.**

"**Mithos was a swordsman and could summon as well?" Lloyd added.**

"**Mithos is a common boys' name!" Raine snapped, hitting them upside the head.**

"**Yeah," Kratos agreed. "There's that Mithos that got strangled by Magnius, in Palmacoasta, and there's also that one who was an adventurer at Triet…"**

"**I-I'm Sh-Sheena," Sheena stammered, hugging her teddy bear to a crushing point. "No pressure or anything, I'm just throwing it out there, but make a pact with me, pretty please?" **

"**I can't," Undine shrugged, not sure what to make of this wussy summoner.**

"**Why?!" Sheena started crying and rocking back and forth.**

"…**and then there was that Mithos that tried to kill me last year for doing stuff with his sister…" Kratos continued, oblivious.**

"**I already have a pact," Undine said patiently, a vein throbbing in her temple.**

"**What now?!" the pathetic ninja wailed, turning to Lloyd. **

"**Merely convince her to nullify the previous pact," Lloyd suggested.**

"**How?!" Sheena whined, sweating and starting to need some blood flow to abate her severe blanching.**

"**A Summon Spirit pact needs a vow, hunny," Kratos had finally finished naming half of the Mithos's in the world. "If the vow ain't broken, the pact still works,"**

"**Correct," Undine said. A game show bell went off and Kratos was awarded 5000 Gald.**

"**I know that," Sheena said from her fetal position.**

"**So just get her to cancel the old pact," Kratos shrugged. "The old pact guy's probably dead or something," he did the shifty eye.**

"**It reawy so simp'?" Genis commented.**

"**Yep," Kratos ruffled his silky hair and smiled. Sheena grasped her teddy bear so tightly that its head almost fell off.**

"**O-o-o-o-ok-k-kay," she slowly forced herself to her feet. "I-I…I'll give it a s-s-s-s-hot," She swallowed and looked at Undine, blanching further. It was a wonder her body still worked. "U-Undine, I am Sh-Sheena,"**

"**I've gathered as much," the water spirit said crossly, moving her hand in a "get it in gear" gesture. Sheena blushed, filling her skin with blood again, if only for a moment.**

"**PrettypleasenullifyyourpactwithMithos!" she blurted out quickly.**

"**Okay," Undine replied, still doing the gesture as a vein pulsed in her temple.**

"**A-And…makeapactwithme! Please! I need you!" she broke down and started sobbing. The others sweatdropped, wondering how pathetic this so-called ninja was going to get.**

"**All right, then," Undine said. "Just one thing, first,"**

"**Wh-What?" the lavender wuss looked up fearfully.**

"**I must test thee!" she pulled out a giant hammer made of water (don't ask how exactly that works). Sheena screamed and jumped out of the way.**

"**Wha'?!" Genis shrieked, hiding behind Kratos. "We's got' ta figh'?"**

"**Let it begin!" Undine shouted, summoning a giant tidal wave from the nearby pond.**

"**HOLY CRAP!" Kratos screamed before the tide carried him into a pillar and bodily slammed he and Genis against it.**

"_**Aqua Edge**_**!" several disks of water shot across the semi-chamber and bowled over Lloyd, Raine, and Colette. Sheena had, somehow, managed to hide on the roof by tying herself to the rafters. "**_**Spread**_**!" She was promptly blasted down.**

"**Ready?! **_**Thunder Blade**_**!" Kratos had managed to get up and cast a spell. Unfortunately for him, the floor was still wet and everyone was electrocuted, not just Undine.**

"**Why just me?!"**

"**Whoa!"**

"**We' gon' die!"**

"**Don't get in my way!" Raine smacked him upside the head. Sheena had already fainted from the scariness of the fight.**

"_**Demon Fang! Super Sonic Thust! Raging Beast!**_**" Lloyd smashed the spirit through a pillar and into the underground lake.**

"**Good job, Lloyd!" Colette mouthed at him happily. When she realized he couldn't hear her, she started to write it on Kratos's jacket. And, verily, he was ticked, and did attempt to wash the ink off in the lake. Suddenly, though, some of the water turned into a fist and punched him back a couple of yards.**

"**Not the face!" he protested.**

"**AHH!" Genis screamed like a wussy as a bunch of water tentacles came out of the lake around them.**

"**Oh, crap! We're gonna get tentacle raped!" Kratos shouted, not sure whether to be afraid or turned on. He opted for the former and started running in panicked circles, whining about how he was too young and so on.**

"**Oh, shut up!" Undine came floating out of the lake and made the water deck him another good one. "I wouldn't do that during a test!"**

"**But you **_**would**_** do it otherwise?!" Sheena sank right back into a cold faint, having just reawakened. The maiden of the mist rolled her eyes and started making the tentacles punch at the party.**

"**I've got an idea!" Kratos said, suddenly donning some mexican dancing outfit. Some rather sexy music started and he began to dance around the punches of the water while the others got pummeled.**

"**Yay! Dancing!" Colette joined in too and she and Kratos began a very sexy duet that began to interfere with Undine's concentration.**

"**Ugh! Stop that!" she objected, futilely trying to hit them. "It's…too…SEXY!" she exploded from the stress of the sexiness and the water fell back into the lake.**

"**Did we win…?" Lloyd moaned from the ground.**

"**No, we're all dead," Raine grumbled sarcastically, kicking him in the stomach, as Kratos and Colette finished their little dance.**

"**Okay, okay, you win," Undine reformed over the altar, blushing severely, much like Sheena; **_**she**_** actually had a nosebleed now, though. "What's your vow?"**

"**Oh…uh…" Sheena went back up to the altar and thought for a minute. "I'm gonna…help people?"**

"**Works for me," Undine shrugged before turning into an Aquamarine for no reason. Sheena caught it mid-fall and stuffed it in her bra.**

"**Sexy pockets…" Kratos drooled, staring at her chest and making her blush worse. **

"**Shee', y' di' i'!" Genis exclaimed, jumping happily like a moron. Colette added another compliment along the same lines by writing it on Sheena's arm with the marker.**

"**Thanks, Colette," Sheena said, blushing more.**

"**All right. Now we will finally be able to rescue and meet the unicorn," Lloyd interjected.**

"**And, maybe, we can heal my darling angel, too," Kratos added, quite forgetting the whole 'angel must go to Tower of Salvation' thing.**

"**Ye'!" Genis agreed, hopping up and down again. They then headed out. Kratos and Raine just happened to linger behind for some reason or another, if any.**

"**You're actually quite knowledgeable," Raine commented lightly, yet still suspiciously.**

"**I just had a friend who told me all about it!" Kratos insisted nervously, holding his hands in front of him in defense.**

"**Uh-**_**huh**_**…sure…" she muttered sardonically as he practically fled into the teleporter.**

**

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**

Evasiveness, thy name is Kratos. Tower of Salvation should be next chapter (assuming I don't stick in any more side crap) and don't think Kratos is going to loose too much screen time after that...


	19. Chapter 18

**It's certainly been a while, hasn't it? Sorry about the delay, but my creative juices just wouldn't flow. Anyway...still don't own anything and mean no disrespect to any celebrities. Apologies if this chapter isn't very funny, by the way. The funny doesn't always come on demand, you know.**

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**Chapter 18: In the General Direction of the Tower that's Way Too Tall**

There was, to Kratos's relief, no sign of Candy as they returned to the TISBD; they were still quite unhappy, however, as the washtubs had sank again, halfway to the dock.

"Well, looks like she isn't waking up any time today," Lloyd observed, nudging the KO'd teacher with his toe.

"Oh, well, let's stay here for tonight," Kratos shrugged, picking Raine up and heading into the inn.

That night, Lloyd awoke from his knockout position, which he slept in, on the floor, to see Kratos sneaking across the room.

"What are you doing?" he inquired of the flaky, perverted mercenary. Said mercenary stopped with a jolt, just a foot or so from Sheena's sleeping bag.

"Nothin' really," he replied, turning to in Lloyd's direction and forcing a smile.

"Oh, really?" Lloyd cocked an eyebrow skeptically.

"Just going out to train," Kratos insisted quietly. "Care to join me?"

"Eh, why not?" Lloyd shrugged, getting up and following him out.

After a major butt-owning, Lloyd was quite embarrassed at his loss.

"You're actually getting quite good," Kratos admitted with a smile, wiping his brow and sheathing his sword as he held out a hand to help Lloyd up.

"Really?" Lloyd replied, taken a bit aback. "I never thought I'd hear you say that,"

"Me neither," the lavender-clad man shrugged, going to sit on a rock. The red-clad boy joined him. They stared out at the water for a while before Kratos seemed to notice the time. "Oh, crap…it's getting late," He got up. "I suppose we should get back inside,"

"Yeah…" Lloyd agreed. "By the way…it's nice to have someone to practice with. It's like having a big brother,"

"Big brother?" Kratos repeated, looking dumbfounded briefly before bursting into laughter.

"Hey! I was being sincere!" Lloyd objected as the aging hipster walked back inside, still laughing his head off.

"Whatever you say, bud!" he called back merrily, letting the door shut behind him.

"Damn, perverted, lavender…" Lloyd grumbled, following him.

So with Raine's recovery the next morning, and a celebratory group whack on the head, all was well and they began their week-long trip back to Lake Umacy. The Black Guard still shouted threats as they passed by, attempting to get in their way, but Kratos merely batted him aside like a football. Hitting Koton upside the head as he finally re-awoke from his subsequent concussion with the Spiritua statue and putting him out for another undetermined length of time.

Finally, they arrived at the lake around noon on some day or another.

"My poor boots…" Kratos whined, still cradling his Beatle boots in his arms. He had been in a state of dejection since they had finally broken that morning. "I should have never brought you on this horribly long journey,"

"Snap out of it!" Raine smacked him upside the head making him drop the boots.

"You're so mean!" Kratos sniffed, pulling on a spare pair of Lloyd's boots, which clashed horribly with the rest of his outfit.

"She'n'! As' Oo'dee t' t'k' us uver dere!" Genis demanded, ignoring these events.

"That won't work," Lloyd commented.

"Wh' no'?" Genis pouted.

"The unicorn can only be approached by a pure maiden," Raine interjected, having finished berating Kratos.

"Just Colette, then?" Kratos added.

"Hey!" Sheena objected.

"Oh, so you're…" Kratos started having some perverted thoughts. CRACK! Raine finally broke her staff, so hard did she hit him this time. His light was out and clock cleaned, good.

"So just Raine, Sheena, and Colette," Lloyd said.

"Uh…no, I'll pass," Raine replied, suddenly getting very interested in her fingernails. Lloyd turned green and Sheena red while the other two tilted their heads in inquiry.

"W' c'n't Rainee go?" Genis wondered aloud.

"I'm an adult!" she snapped evasively. The stupid pair looked even more curious and uncomprehending now.

"I'm summoning!" Sheena shouted loudly, effectively breaking up the conversation. "Pretty please, come, Maiden of the Mist!" she said quickly and quietly. Undine showed up in a flare of blue light.

"What?!" she asked crossly, still miffed at the so-called ninja's cowardice.

"Ahh!" Sheena cowered, hugging her lavender teddy bear. "Uh…pleasetakeustotheunicorn!" Undine rolled her eyes and made Colette and Sheena somehow skate out onto the lake as the unicorn tried to get out from under the logs, failed and drowned as the bubble popped. His horn magically flew up and landed in Colette's hand. At this point, the two were dropped into the lake.

"What's the big idea?!" Sheena demanded, floundering in the water. Undine just laughed and disappeared, forcing them to have to swim back to shore.

"You two all right, hunnies?" Kratos asked, having recovered and healed the bloody lump on his head.

"Sheena, are you weeping?" Lloyd asked.

"T-The unic-c-c-orn g-g-ave us his (sniff, sniff) h-horn," she sobbed. Kratos had some perverted thoughts from this line but hugged her anyway, patting her on the head.

"Then the unicorn is dead," Raine said boredly. "Now…GIMME THE HORN!" she grabbed it from Colette.

One thorough examination of the horn later, during which Kratos got whacked, yet again, for making a perverted comment, Raine learned a new spell from the book.

"Yes! I now know Resurrection!" she exclaimed. "Bow in fear, mortals, as I, the Grand Healer, can now kill you all I want and then revive you to do the quest!" And so the rock music and flames of hell retuned as she laughed maniacally with lightning flashing behind her. This prompted the others to quickly make a dash for Luin before she noticed.

They, somehow made it in a mere hour and found that the town was still wrecked, so they proceeded to head for Hima. A day and two-thirds later, they arrived, but they had to wait another day for a very cranky teacher to show up.

"HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME BEHIND!" she roared, laying down much ownage on the lamers. After said ownage had been laid down, the group limped and crawled into the inn (Raine had managed to injure herself too). Ignoring the piece of the roof that had been blown off during the earlier owning, they headed up to Pietro's room, where Sophia was still standing guard over the "muerto resucitado".

"Do you finally have that technique?!" Sophia demanded, holding her frying pan threateningly.

"We found it!" Kratos declared triumphantly, holding Raine back from owning the ungrateful lamer. After a moment of struggling, Raine finally gave up and jerked her poncho from Kratos's grip (don't ask when she changed back). Straightening said poncho, she walked over to the bed.

"I'm going to cast it!" she declared, dramatically throwing her sleeves back and holding up her new Ruby Staff (which Kratos had been 'persuaded' into buying her at some point previous). "Come back from purgatory, inferior being!" she smacked him on the head as some circle of wings appeared over his head and shot energy into him, somehow fixing his 'curse'.

"Would not Recover been better for fixing Curse?" Lloyd pondered aloud, earning a smack from Raine for ruining her drama.

"DON'T RUIN THE DRAMA!" she added to said smack.

"OW! Geez…" Lloyd grumbled, rubbing his cheek.

"Where the hell am I?" Pietro asked, sitting up. "I'm missing the talent show at the ranch!"

"He woke up! Thank goodness!" Sophia declared, hugging him until he turned blue and fainted. "Whoops…"

"Well, that's solved," Raine turned and left the room. "Come!" The others sighed and followed her outside.

"I'd bet we can see the tower that's way too tall from the top of the hill," Kratos suggested. Raine smacked him. "Not the face!"

"We can see it from here!" she screeched, raising her staff for another blow.

"Though we may observe it better atop the hill," Lloyd interjected as a loud whack and cry of pain occurred anyway. "Let's go up there,"

"Since when are you the leader?!" Raine whacked him too.

So they headed to the top of the hill, where the wind blew chill and reduced them to a shivering mass of myriad morons (with the exception of Colette).

"L'k h'w clo' i' i'," Genis stated.

"However, it is actually extremely remote," Lloyd replied.

"You there!" some creepy-looking afro guy suddenly ran up to them.

"Holy crap, it's Richard Simmons!" Kratos exclaimed, hiding behind Sheena, who was hiding behind Genis (this depiction of Richard Simmons is poor and completely fictional [and don't ask me what he's doing in Sylvarant. I dunno either.]).

"How'd you know?" Richard admitted. "Anyway, wanna go up to the Tower of Salvation?"

"What's the catch?" Lloyd asked suspiciously.

"You have to buy 6000 Gald worth of exercise tapes to ride my dragons!" he declared excitedly, thinking he'd gotten some suckers cornered into buying some of his tapes.

"Look, first of all, WE DON'T WANT YOUR STINKIN' TAPES!" Kratos yelled from behind Sheena as he groped her (she was still too scared to notice). "Second of all, Desians are the only ones that could watch them, anyway, in this world! Third of-"

"Okay, okay…I get the picture…" Richard admitted in defeat. "Guess I'll just let you ride for 6000 Gald,"

"You think we made of money, sucka?!" Kratos shouted, having a Mr. T moment.

"That is most expensive," Lloyd agreed.

"Oh, well, guess the world's screwed," Raine shrugged. "Let's go back to Iselia and wait for the world to rot,"

"Huh? Are you the Chosen's group?" Richard asked.

"Yeah," Lloyd replied.

"Darn…guess I'll let you ride for free, then," the exercise guy mumbled. "Come back up here tomorrow,"

So the group headed back down towards the inn.

"Tomorrow is the apex of the journey," Lloyd stated.

"Let's split up for tonight," Raine suggested. "But don't leave town,"

"How's that splitting up?" Kratos asked. He was out cold for a good fifteen minutes afterward.

Lloyd decided, for no reason in particular, to go talk to Sheena as she stared vacantly at a wall near the entrance to the area, stroking her teddy bear.

"Tomorrow, this world will be saved and mine will be screwed," she said bluntly.

"What will you do?" Lloyd asked.

"Guess I'll just trust Colette," Sheena muttered. "This Chosen seems trustworthy,"

"So yours isn't?"

"Well…it's just that he's such an emo," Sheena shuddered at the thought of how creepy he was. "You can't ever tell what he's thinking," Leaving off with that, Lloyd decided to take a walk up the hill, eventually running into Kratos at the top as he swung his sword at some grave markers, practicing.

"Hey, bud," he said, spotting the boy and putting his sword up. "The journey's finally coming to an end,"

"This is not what I wanted," Lloyd replied, looking out over the landscape.

"Well, you wanted to tag along, homie," he shrugged. "And now my little angel is gonna try to resolve our big mess by…" he trailed off.

"Hmm?" Lloyd looked over at the mercenary, who seemed troubled for once.

"Don't screw up now," he quickly re-donned a smile.

"Cannot I merely reattempt whatever it is I perform incorrectly?"

"Heh," Kratos shrugged. "Go ahead, if you can," And then he walked off in what he obviously thought was a cool and enigmatic way. With a sigh, the swordsman walked back down the hill, encountering Raine as he headed around the front of the inn.

"This is her last night," she muttered excitedly, scribbling in her journal.

"Come again?" Lloyd inquired, causing her to jump, shut the book, and whack him upside the head.

"EAVESDROPPER!" she bellowed.

"Professor, you are a scholar, correct? Cannot we attempt to alter Colette's situation?" he asked, rubbing his noggin.

"You don't get it! I'm so fascinated that, to me, that kind of talk sounds like blasphemy!" she chucked several flaming puppies at him, prompting him to go and hide around the corner. By a coincidence, Colette happened to be there. She gave him an inquiring look and led him up to the top of the hill.

"I told you to come back _tomorrow_!" Richard grumbled, in the midst of setting up what appeared to be a compact airport, complete with a tower. The duo ignored him.

"It will occur on the morrow," Lloyd said quietly as the cold wind rushed by. Colette pulled out a marker and started scribbling on his coat. "Why are you apologizing?" She scribbled some more. "Dork, it matters not what occurs. You are you. I will never consider you odd," He sighed and fingered the still-broken necklace in his pocket. "Conversely, I owe you an apology," She tilted her head inquisitively. "I failed to reconstruct the necklace punctually," She wrote some more. "You'll wait forever?"

Kratos hugged Noishe and wiped his eyes with his handkerchief as he watched the sappy scene unfold.

"Awww…she'll wait forever for that necklace," he blew his nose. "I wish I had someone like that," Noishe barked. "Nah, she's too busy hugging that bear. Besides…"

"We should retire to the inn," Lloyd noted the setting sun. "lest we freeze solid," Colette smiled and nodded, heading back to the inn. Lloyd reached after her.

"Cannot I alter her situation?" he grumbled. "Damn it…"

The group slept uneasily, but Lloyd was awoken about an hour and a half before sunrise by Kratos leaving the room. Getting up quietly, he crept after him.

"Where is he going?" Lloyd thought. He glanced around the corner of the inn to see the perverted, lavender mercenary applying more cologne and then speaking with Noishe.

"I'm gonna be going off for a while, so you'll have to be Lloyd's…character/dog/thing shield," he muttered, scratching the character/dog/thing behind the ears. Noishe whined in reply.

"No, no…I've got some stuff to do. I need you to…" A guy suddenly appeared next to him, dressed like a Desian, about to shoot a ball of lightning at Kratos. It would surely ignite his cologne and burn off his hair, making him die of shame.

"Kratos! Beware!" Lloyd shouted.

"Yipes!" he chopped the guy across the stomach and chest, somehow making a ring fly off of his finger (honestly, it defied physics).

"OW! That hurt like a $$%%!&*% $$%, homie!" the guy complained loudly before teleporting away.

"Are you all right?" Lloyd asked, approaching Kratos.

"Nope," he said with a smile. "Thanks for warnin' me,"

"It was nothing. Who was that individual, though?"

"Beats me, but at least he's got a mortal wound now,"

"I have a feeling I've met him somewhere," Lloyd gave an involuntary shudder for a reason that was beyond him.

"Well, anyway, let's get back inside before the others get up," he started to walk back to the inn. Stopping beside Lloyd, he added, in what he evidently considered to be a composed and mysterious tone and demeanor. "Lloyd,"

"Yes?"

"Don't die, now," and then he walked off in a fashion which he though made him look awesome, but, instead, made him look like he'd just crapped himself.

"What was that about?" Lloyd wondered, sweatdropping.

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**Well, that's the cliffhanger before the tower. We'll get to meet Yggrassill next chapter. Oh, goody! Remember to review so that I know what did and didn't suck. **


	20. Chapter 19

**I just know that there's too much dialogue in this chapter, but here we are at last! The Tower that's Way too Tall! I wrote a good chunk of this when I was half-asleep and, just now, went back over it, so sorry for any errors or lack of humor. Still own nothing!****

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**Chapter 19: A Fine Pickle We've Got Ourselves In, Mr. Irving**

"Hold a moment…" Lloyd crouched down and picked up a metallic object he'd spotted on the ground. "A ring? 'Y…M…True love…not valid in…state of Utah'?" He was perplexed by the faded writing on the band. With a shrug, he stuffed it in his pocket and headed back into the inn.

One breakfast of rice balls (the only food they still had left was rice) later, and the group was climbing the hill.

"There's no guarantee we'll come back alive from the Tower," Raine stated nonchalantly.

"There isn't?!" Sheena screamed, jumping into Kratos's arms, much to his happiness.

"Don't worry, I won't let anything happen to my hunnies," Kratos reassured the girls.

"What? We males are not of importance?" Lloyd grumbled.

"So let's mosey, guys," Kratos concluded, putting Sheena down and dashing heroically to the top of the hill, where Richard Simmons awaited with three dragons…for six people.

"Uh…did you count our number?" Lloyd inquired with a cocked eyebrow.

"I only have three!" Richard exclaimed. "You'll just have to board in pairs,"

"I'll take the one my little angel is on, then," Kratos declared, guiding Colette over to a dragon.

"I will accompany Sheena, then," Lloyd stated, seeing that Raine was already herding Genis onto another dragon.

"Um…" Sheena began nervously as Lloyd helped her sit behind him. "Now may be a bad time, but…I'M TERRIFIED OF HEIGHTS!" she screamed, holding onto him with excessive force that threatened to force him to un-eat his breakfast.

"I never noticed before," Lloyd choked, his chest being constricted.

"I JUST NOW REMEMBERED!" she shouted. Lloyd, seeing that the others were already long gone, and hearing Genis's screams of height phobia as well, decided to just go on and get the trip over with ASAP and goaded the dragon with his feet to take to the air.

One flight later, during which they had seen the british guy and his dragon from earlier (they had been fighting some weird, metal balloon things; Lloyd decided not to get involved) they landed at the Tower of Salvation. Lloyd was now mostly deaf from all the screaming and pleading he'd been forced to endure during the ride.

"Hey, return here, this instant!" Lloyd shouted as the dragons decided to conveniently fly off and leave them stranded. "Lousy Richard Simmons and his wussy dragons…" Sheena was still trembling on the ground, hugging her teddy bear.

"No more flying, Grandpa…" she whined over and over.

"Come on, Sheena," Lloyd said. "We have to catch up to the others,"

"R-Right…" she slowly got up and tiptoed after Lloyd as he headed up a staircase of what appeared to be a bunch of floating crystals, defying physics and conventional stair rules in general, leading over a bottomless abyss that made Sheena grab Lloyd rather painfully from behind.

"Sheena! Air…" Lloyd gasped, finally dragging himself and the wussy ninja onto the platform near the tower entrance, where Genis and Raine were waiting.

"It looks like Kratos and Colette already went inside," Raine stated without being asked; it wasn't as if Lloyd was in any condition to ask this, at the moment.

After said swordsman caught his breath, the four continued inside, walking onto a platform of what appeared to be glass, hovering above a blue abyss full of coffins. Sheena gave a squeak of terror and began to strangle Genis, thinking he was her bear.

"Why are these coffins present here?" Lloyd said to no one in particular.

"They may be all the Chosen that failed," Raine mused boredly.

"Oh, no!" Genis exclaimed in horror, having finally gotten free of Sheena.

Moving on, the group stepped into the teleporter and appeared in yet another room that didn't make sense. This one, in particular, was decorated with giant tree roots that spiraled up into the tower's heights. On an elevated altar, in front of them, Colette was praying. Remiel suddenly showed up in a flash of light.

"Now release the final seal and become a zombie!" he shouted in a deeper and more malevolent voice than his other appearances.

"What?!" Sheena cried in dismay, falling on her butt and hugging her bear tightly.

"A zombie?!" Lloyd and Genis added.

"Colette's human life will now end, and she will be reborn as an angel," Raine said calmly, as though she often allowed her students to have this sort of thing happen to them (and she probably did, now that I think about it).

"Come again, Professor?" Lloyd said, giving her an accusing look.

"Colette swore me to secrecy," Raine replied, casting a nervous glance at her shoulder angel, who was still threatening her with a chainsaw. "Colette has to die,"

"No, not really," Remiel said sinisterly. "We're gonna make her a zombie and then cram the Goddess Martel inside her adolescent body!" His wings stopped and he fell painfully to the ground. Muttering angel-based profanities, he got back to his feet, brushing off his dress. "Robe!" he shouted at the narrator.

"That is…" Lloyd trailed off unhappily.

"Lord Remiel, there's another world adjacent to this one, Tethe'alla," Raine commented, walking forward dramatically.

"So what?" Remiel replied, examining his fingernails in a narcissistic way.

"But it's true," Raine prompted.

"And?" Remiel answered, now filing his nails.

"Can't Cruxis make both worlds peaceful?" Sheena asked timidly from behind Genis.

"Well, _maybe_ if she hurries up and becomes a _zombie_ like she's _supposed_ to…" Remiel responded impatiently, tapping his foot.

"!!" Colette exclaimed, well not really, seeing as it wasn't even a sentence.

"Well? Get to zombieing!" Remiel snapped at her.

"Are you really planning to die!?" Sheena wailed as dramatic music played from a conveniently-placed speaker. Colette looked at her friends in an angsty way that the players of the game and readers of this story were getting rather tired of and Lloyd made yet another speech that added more unnecessary angst to an already angsty scene.

"Colette! If you sacrifice yourself, we will all become emo!" okay, it was more of a blurted statement. He then attempted to run forward towards the altar, but Genis suddenly decided to smash tackle him to the floor. "Genis! Get the hell off!" Lloyd snapped, punching the kid in the face.

"If she becomes a zombie, the world will be saved. Are you looking to damn it by saving her instead?" Remiel was starting to get quite irritable now. This scene was taking too long for his liking. "Now, Colette," he donned a Darth Vader mask. "Join me, and we will save the world as father and daughter!" Lloyd punched Genis off of him and ran up onto the altar as some magic glowy circle appeared around Colette, causing a flickery light to shine out of her for no apparent reason.

"Do you really wish this fate on your daughter?!" Lloyd shouted, desperate at this point.

"I ain't that girl father!" Remiel shouted with a horribly imitated accent, casting his mask aside. "You all done just gone and assume that on yo own!" The others gave him a WTH look. "I just place dat crystal onna sacrifice to be Martel's vessel!" Lloyd ran up to Colette and spun her by her shoulders.

"Lloyd, it's okay," she said, suddenly having telepathy for no specific reason, as sad music played out of the speaker nearby. "I knew he was too jerky to be my dad…but I'm the token overly-nice character, so I still wanna cry…"

"Wrap it up," Remiel made a 'wrap-it-up' motion with his hand.

"I couldn't save you!" Lloyd shouted in an angsty way. And the others did join in his tears and Colette did float up into the air in a dramatic way. Her eyes did then turn from blue to red. And Remiel was pleased, and did laugh maniacally as some mysterious box popped up in mid-air to announce that Colette had learned Judgment.

"I've done it!" Remiel shouted happily. "Promotion time!"

"Wahhh!" Sheena wailed, hugging Genis.

"He's going to take her to heaven," Raine said blandly, answering a question that nobody asked.

"_That's _what we're calling it now…" a voice chuckled lecherously from a dark corner. Nobody heard it, though.

"You $$! You will receive retribution! Cruxis, the angels, and the Goddess Martel is a grand falsehood, is it not?!" Lloyd yelled, pulling his blades out.

"Don't be pullin' out no swords in my towuh!" Remiel shouted in his horrible, false street accent. "You goin' down, man!"

"DOWN!" Colette shouted in a demonic voice, ripping Remiel in half like a phone book and dancing in the blood rain that sprayed from his body. Needless to say, everyone puked.

"Oh, man, that's depraved!" Kratos exclaimed, stepping out of the corner he'd been hiding in. "It's why we had to kill the last several vessels. Too violent, y'know?" Colette ignored him, as did everyone else, causing him to pout.

"Colette, I will restore you! I promise!" Lloyd declared in an angsty way. She ignored him too and kept dancing with homicidal glee.

"You're wastin' your time, bud," Kratos interjected with a shake of his head. "All she wants to do now is be violent,"

"Kratee!" Genis pointed at him.

"Kratos! Where were you five minutes ago?!" Lloyd demanded.

"The toilet," he shrugged. "You have no idea what kind of penalty I suffered from eating Raine's cooking this morning," Cue evil chorus as Raine prepares to own a lamer. "Anyway…" he cast a nervous look in her general direction. "If the Chosen comes to Derris-Kharlan, the regeneration will be complete," Lloyd threw a tomato at Kratos. "Hey, watch it!"

"Kratos, what is your true identity?!" Lloyd demanded. Rolling his eyes, Kratos held his Exsphere hand in front of him in a dramatic way and two deep purple wings came from his back. "I'm one the Four Seraphim. I was supposed to make you guys hurry up and come here to make my little angel a zombie but…" he chuckled. "I got so caught up that I forgot after a while. It just came back to me this morning,"

"You deceived us!" Raine pointed out the obvious.

"Uh…well, I still went along with the whole regeneration thing you seemed to want," Kratos replied, scratching his head. "So not really, yo,"

"Once they cram Martel in her, Colette will die," Raine suddenly said. ADD, much?

"Uh…no…she'll just be crammed into the back of her own head," Kratos said slowly.

"I will not permit you to do that!" Lloyd shouted, attacking him with a bag of tomatoes. Raine jumped in and Genis started randomly shooting fireballs around the room until everyone was rather ticked at him. In a much shorter time than one would expect from one of the Four Seraphim, Kratos collapsed, covered in tomato juice and whimpering. His clothes were now completely ruined, not just tattered from their journey (and Raine's abuse). Lloyd stood over the aging hipster, swords in hand.

"FINISH HIM!" some voice demanded from the speaker, the _Mortal Kombat _music in the background. Before Lloyd could do so, however, a different sort of song started to play.

_I'm a super girl, gonna save the world, with my supernatural power…_

"Oh, Martel, no…" Kratos groaned, completely disregarding the katana at his throat.

_Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, I'm a Super Girl_

_Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, Su-per Girl_

"So you held back for their sake, how touching…" a voice spoke softly before its source appeared in a flash of light. It was either a slightly masculine woman, or a very feminine man. He/she was dressed in tight, white spandex, a bodysuit, in fact; his/her hair was long and shiny, hanging about his/her shoulders. Upon his/her face was a coat of red lipstick, silver eye-liner, and a generous amount of blush that made him/her look very embarrassed, all the time.

"Lord Yggdrasill…" Kratos muttered, managing to get up and hold himself up on one hand. One would think he was bowing, but he was exhausted from being owned like a lamer.

"Another angel?!" Sheena fainted.

"And you're Lloyd?" Yggdrasill spoke with a creepy smile.

"Provide your name first, if you wish to receive mine!" Lloyd challenged. The man/woman laughed humorlessly.

"Woof, woof," he replied.

"Come again?!" Lloyd barked.

"Okay, okay, I'm Yggdrasill the man with the very-complicated-to-spell name. I lead Cruxis…and the Desians!" He then summoned a big, purple sword out of nowhere and it sent out a shockwave that owned all four of the lamers, totally. Lloyd went flying into a pillar and it broke in two, its upper half falling into the blue abyss below. "How did that not break your back?" Y wondered aloud with a tilted head. "Oh, well. Permission to-"

"FINISH THEM!" the speaker voice interrupted _Super Girl _briefly.

"-Kratos?" he looked at the lavender mercen…er…angel.

"Actually…"

"Too late!" Y raised his hand to use some kind of…lethal…spell or something, but a weak spell hit his face and messed up his make-up. "NOOOOO!" he screamed. "Kratos! Get my make-up kit!" Meanwhile, Botta, Rob, and Ed came rushing in with heroic music playing (it was the Other Phase music from FE8).

"Damn! Da Chosen already a angel!" Botta cursed. "We takin' huh back wit' us!" The three dudes dragged the heroes into some warp thingy (after drugging Colette, of course) and they were out of there.

"Oh, my! My make-up is ruined!" Y exclaimed unhappily as he attempted to reapply his eyeliner with only a small mirror to see by.

"Um…sir?" Kratos began tentatively.

"Not now, Kratos!" Y barked, dipping his make-up brush back in the silver power.

"As you wish," he rolled his eyes and teleported away in a flash of light, leaving his girly boss to find out that the protagonists had escaped, by his own accord.

Elsewhere, the remaining heroes (if so they can be called) were in the base out in Triet Desert, staring at Lloyd, awaiting his awakening. They didn't have to wait long, as he sat up suddenly with a cry of,

"Tomatoes!"

"Lloy', you up!" Genis said happily.

"Ugh…" Lloyd's entire person hurt from being bodily slammed into a pillar of magical stone and breaking said pillar with said body. "What is our current location? Where is Colette?!" He jumped out of bed to find her in a drug-induced stupor.

"They drugged her so that she would stop trying to tear people like phone books," Raine explained, sounding bored as ever about even the most serious of things.

"Damn it!" Lloyd snapped about many things, though nothing in particular.

"Lloyd, we're in the base in Triet Desert," she continued dully, as though she were teaching her dumb class again.

"The Desian Base?!" Lloyd exclaimed.

"We ain't De-signs! We Renegades!" Ed grumbled, coming in. "Nevuh liked da boss's decoratin' scheme…" he muttered, looking around at the shades of blue and periwinkle that covered the room, all the way down to the king-sized bed Lloyd had been chucked in earlier. He shuddered when he realized it was that _creepy guy's _bed. "Anuhway, da boss want ya in his office," He led them to the next room, where Vidarr and Botta were talking to the creepy, blue-haired guy.

"You're finally up," his eyes brightened and a smile lit his face as he saw Lloyd.

"You're the Renegades?" Lloyd asked.

"Yep," the man said happily. "We're a proud, underground force, dedicated to flipping off and annoying the Desians and the Cruxis,"

"They th' s'm' orgie den?" Genis asked.

"Right," Botta nodded. "Cruxis operate da church in da open and da De-signs from be-hind da scenes!"

"The Church of Martel is a tool to rule the world and the angels…they're just half-elves with super-super Exspheres," the blue-head added.

"Cruxis Crystals," Vidarr grunted.

"Yeah, that,"

"They're half-elves, too?!" Sheena blanched.

"Mostleh," Botta replied.

"Wha' dey doin'?" Genis asked.

"Think for a minute!" the blue-haired guy said. "Let the thoughts flow through your head like water over a leaf," he began to dance around the office with serene oriental music playing. After everyone gave him a WTH look, Raine spoke.

"They have a really complicated way to manipulate bloodlines to make a vessel to turn into a zombie to be Martel's vessel," A game show bell rang and Vidarr handed Raine 6000 Gald and a new quill.

"I'm impressed," Botta said, impressed.

"There's also another world," the blue-haired guy began.

"Tethe'alla," Lloyd interrupted.

"Yes, and the one who created this twisted world was-"

"Yggdrasill," Lloyd interrupted again.

"Uh-huh…" Yuan nodded, his smile becoming a bit forced. Genis fainted from too much attempted brain activity. "And the one who created these twisted worlds…" The abstract 'camera' of the narration zoomed in on him dramatically, only to smack him hard in the face. "OW! WATCH WHAT THE $$ YOU'RE $%$ DOING!" he barked at the narrator, who replied by sticking his tongue out and hiding behind the fourth wall to avoid a stapler that was bodily chucked in his general direction. "Ahem…" Yuan tried again. "The one who created these twisted worlds…" the 'camera' zoomed in again, this time managing to avoid hitting him. "The girly guy with the complicated name!" A dramatic chord sounded from nowhere as lightning flashed for no reason.

* * *

**A nice cliffhanger for ya. Review as usual and...an update on the polls indicates that there is a tie between two soulmates. I may just have to cast a tie-breaking vote (sinister chuckle). Anyway, the poll will be open for a little longer (until I decide to start putting in some bonding scenes between people, obviously). Merry Holidays, by the way. I may just make a Christmas story with some of the Tales people (if I feel like it) seeing as neither story is in the snow town now or any time soon. Who knows, a separate story like that might get put into the actual story...Anyway, I'm rambling, so I'm gonna get started on the next chapter.**


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